A few years back, coffeesp00ns made a similar post that inadvertently helped me think through a couple of things (thanks ♥). Things have changed in the world and there are some new faces around here too. I figured maybe it'd be fun to do another?
Rules:
1) Be kind to each other.
2) If you ask a question I'm not comfortable answering, I'll let you know.
I can pretty much only speak to my own experience (and let me tell you, experiences among trans folk vary widely!) but I'll do my best.
This is a really interesting question and I suspect the answer is highly variable depending on who you ask! At least for me, I did not entirely feel "like a person" before (and depersonalization seems to occur in at least some trans folk). I feel present now in ways I never had before. Being a woman comes with a whole different set of social expectations and ways that people interact with me, and that's certainly shaped my personality in ways that they never would have if I hadn't transitioned. Make of that what you will, I suppose? There's also a strange sense in which a lot of my male-coded experiences — stuff like being in Boy Scouts — are difficult or impossible to talk about with people who I'm not explicitly out to. Or, you know, folks I'm out to but not sure how comfortable they are with me I prefer to not remind too much about that part of me because it's easier to get along with coworkers if I just don't bring it up. I don't really like that but it is what it is.
Awesome, thanks for doing this! Would you feel comfortable sharing your story? Your experience? I imagine realizing you’re trans, coming out and taking action (if you’re at that point of the process) is not easy, and is not a decision taken lightly. Would love to hear how you personally went about it. I don’t know if you have went through HRT, but I was always curious on how it affects people on a mental level - how your way of thinking and processing emotions changes (if at all). The physical effects of hormone therapy are pretty clear. But I’ve also heard of stuff like body builders taking testosterone getting a shorter temper. I would think affecting brain chemistry with hormones would lead to some changes in that area too?
I first started seriously thinking about gender in July-ish 2017. My wife had started developing a serious relationship with her girlfriend at the time and that pushed me to actually think about plenty of feelings that I'd otherwise have just ignored. It was by that point pretty obvious that doing so just kept a distance between us that neither of us wanted and that I needed to do something about it. It wasn't fun to sit down and think about why I might feel jealous or inadequate or unhappy with myself, but I felt like I had to do something, even if that was just to be able to talk semi-constructively about those feelings with her. Sorting through all of those feelings it occurred to me that maybe some of that was gender dysphoria? But I really didn't want to be trans, mostly because it seemed like a really hard time based on what I'd seen my trans friends go through. For perhaps a year or so before this my wife had been calling me 'wife', I think first as a joke but by this point it just felt right. In October I wrote her a long letter that basically said "I'm not trans but I really like being your wife" and shortly thereafter I was finally like "I guess this is happening". I got lucky in that by the time I figured it out I was in a position to do something about it pretty quickly. Things kept feeling right. I did feel some pressure to be "out" quickly since IEEE won't let you change the name on papers after they've been published and they only let you publish under your legal name. But on the other hand there's never a perfect time to come out and being done with it has taken a lot of uncertainty out of my life. There's of course plenty more to it than that so feel free to ask more :) HRT has been fascinating. Of course there's the expected physical changes but also I feel sensations that I hadn't felt since...I guess puberty? My skin is a lot more sensitive too; now I can feel mosquitoes biting me. Feelings-wise, I don't think I have new emotions, but definitely the ones I do have I feel more strongly, which certainly took some getting used to. I feel more happy and content than I've ever felt before and I get to feel that way more often, but I can't say whether that's hormones or general personal improvement.
Oh, another unexpected probably-HRT-induced thing is that I get motion sick a lot easier now, which is apparently a thing?
...so in my head I was going "I thought it was a dude with the MR2s and the shop and the chickens I swear I saw a beard" ...but that's not really an easy discussion to broach ...So I guess as someone who has known and interacted with you since before you were thinking about transitioning ...how exactly would you be most comfortable with me regarding you? Regarding our past interactions? One thing about 'sp00ns' transition is I kinda felt like we were part of it which gave me, at least, an angle to approach her. One thing about Quats' transition is she was pretty much "I'm a girl now!" which was the anchor my daughter's friend used. But you've taken on a new identity, which I respect and understand, and our interactions are psuedonymous, so there's a level of filter there anyway, but which also kind of leaves me not quite sure how to not be awkward. Curious as to your thoughts.
So I didn't mean to be confusing — I mostly changed names because the juxtaposition of "me two years before" and "me at the time" felt jarring and also I had a great idea for a new handle! I'm still lm elsewhere, but I can see how the change here would come across as something a bit more serious. "lm is a girl now" is more or less how I feel about it. Also, sorry for disappearing for a while. I really did miss y'all but hot damn I felt like a mess for most of it. Now that I have the benefit of hindsight and being able to rearrange thoughts and feelings and memories into coherent shapes it's easier to talk about, but you know that none of that shit happens in a nice linear fashion or makes one lick of sense at the time.
hi ile, i'm glad that you're doing this - i didn't know that yesterday was ITDV until my boyfriend mentioned it :P if it wouldn't step all over your party here, i would welcome answering any questions as well - two data points is better than one when i see trans women in the media it's either pornstars, the target of female athletes angry to compete against them, or some elementary schooler that the world rages over and i think it's really important to try and show that there's more kinds of tran out there than that it's hard but it needs to happen
Yes please answer as much as you want! I like reading other folks' thoughts on transness. If it weren't for all the other trans people talking about their experiences I'd never have thought this could have been for me. And certainly there's a big difference between the visibility of "trans person on the news" and the visibility of "my friend talking about being trans". Last year I saw a bunch of trans folks posting about "tdov" and I was all "wait, what holiday is tdov and how do I know so many Jewish trans people?" Took me a couple of hours to figure out what was going on :)
These are all good points. I blew my top at kb over the topic of transness. Besides just trolling on my part I remember him mentioning Kaitlyn Jenner as an example of progress in the wider culture. True I guess. But umm, like, I don't think most trans people would have chosen her as the first trans Vanity Fair cover girl. She's not a great ambassador to the community.
On the one hand, she's quite imperfect; on the other, I try not to overly disparage the trans folks who are willing to be vocal and use their resources to push for making things better even if they aren't doing a great job of it. It's the loud pushy folks who make it possible for me to be quieter and unobtrusive and yet still have a decent life.
Your voice is more important than mine and I try to just stay out of the conversation now. Sorry kb. I was very drunk Bad ambassador or not the south park version of her makes me want to force those dudes to eat dog shit Apropos of nothing you or anyone interested in queer history might enjoy this
Grad school isn't the worst place to transition as long as you have a supportive advisor — which I do, fortunately. I came out via email that was basically "I'm a girl now, here's my name, if you have questions let me know, here's a couple links to read if you want" that I sent to a bunch of folks who knew me. Certainly now there are plenty of people I work with who very much aren't okay with trans folk, but most of them have managed to be respectful, whether because they think Title IX applies or because they understand how to be decent people or because I'm the oldest student in the lab and my advisor expects them to work with me. I did lose a few friends and mentors over transitioning but I also gained some new ones. While some folks certainly are less comfortable around me, other folks are more so! And if I'm making other queer students and women more comfortable existing here, I think I can be content with that.
Cis-whitemale-hetero as hell, here. Wanted to comment how, on top of everything else, I have the privilege of not really having to figure out anything this complex about myself. Would you say that addressing gender dysmorphia costs a lot of time and effort? Like you say, individual results may vary widely, but I imagine it to generally be the case. I sympathize with people wrestling with that sort of thing, because it seems inherently difficult, and then while you're doin' this soul-searching, society heaps a buncha bullshit on top of you. Props. :)
Yeah for sure it does. It took up a lot of my spare time for a couple years between reading and thinking about things and processing feelings and whatnot. Talking about it with people who aren't supportive is a huge time sink too; I was really tempted for a long time by the idea of figuring out some rationalization for why I was trans so I could finally be Real and Valid and Correct but, honestly, if someone wants to discount your personal experience about yourself then there's really no convincing them otherwise. A lot of it costs money too! Legal fees, doctors, figuring out how to dress professionally on the cheap... It did at least get a bit easier once a lot of the one-time things got taken care of and the rest started to feel more mundane than new and intimidating!