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comment by ButterflyEffect
ButterflyEffect  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: December 20, 2017

Going Home

I've been feeling ornery again these past couple of days. Going home is not good for my psyche, and I can't wait to have the "I don't plan on going home next Christmas but I will happily fly you out here" conversation in a few days. I have so much trouble spending that much time in an area and with some family who I hold immense amounts of resentment towards. It would be healthier to just let it go, but maybe I am not that strong of a person.

Physical Health

Which, speaking of that, this injury is driving me crazy because of how borderline it is. I can climb fine. I can run a bit, but every so often I'll take a step and feel pain or tightness. It's driving my crazy. That, and realizing some things that are wrong with my running form. Think after I submit this post I'm going to call a PT to set-up an appointment for after the holidays.

Relationships

In the midst of a long conversation with a longtime friend on relationships and how I haven't really been in one in 3.5 years now. Sure, there's been a lot of short term dating between then and now, but no this is my girlfriend / you are my boyfriend kind of nonsense. The running, hiking, etc. are all more fulfilling than the repeated cycle of dating, sex, losing interest, or them losing interest in me. Already spent February - July this year actively opting out of dating, but maybe I need to do it for a longer period of time or something. I don't know. All I know is I'm not finding what I've been looking for, or I'll find it, but the person is already in a committed relationship.

I haven't progressed as far along as I had thought, Hubski.





johnnyFive  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

On the relationship front, it sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing. You're no good in a relationship until you're good on your own.

ButterflyEffect  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I'm really only good when I'm hiking, climbing, or running. Which in normal circumstances is most my free time. It's when I'm unable to do these things often that the wheels really start to fall off.

    You're no good in a relationship until you're good on your own.

Also I've been hearing this and thinking this for a good three years now and it feels like that will never be the case, despite the promotions, despite the hobbies and generally (I think) somewhat interesting life, good job, etc. maybe I'm just not the kind of person well-suited for relationships.

johnnyFive  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

That could be -- some people just decide they're not that interested in a relationship. Maybe that's you?

ButterflyEffect  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Well, I am, but I'm also particular in what I'm looking for, and it's not that easy to find.

oyster  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I would bet a pitcher the next time you’re in Banff that you’re just afraid to really be vulnerable so your relationships don’t get to that next stage. What millennial doesnt have that problem, honestly ?

A guy I was seeing in the summer helped me realize this, and it was a casual thing the whole time. Basically if he didn’t want a relationship I did and the second I didn’t he wanted one. It just went back and forth. As long as the guy isn’t asking a whole lot of me emotionally I feel great and the second they want long term I think of every reason why it’s a bad idea without even realizing I’m doing it. Well now I notice when I’m doing it and I’ve been doing a pretty good job squashing those feelings and actually letting myself get close to somebody. You’ll figure out whatever is stopping you.

ButterflyEffect  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Mmm, I don't know. Can't think of any instances the past few years where somebody has wanted a more serious relationship and I've said no. Can think of two instances the other way around, where I have asked. Though, come to think of it, I can't even think of having been asked in the past few years. Maybe there's a reason for that?

I might be in Banff in late June / early July.

oyster  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Can think of two instances the other way around, where I have asked

Saaaaame it’s because my brain decided I was afraid of commitment but let me believe I wanted it so that fucker kept going for emotionally unavailable guys. That way when I experienced this desire for commitment I had already set myself up in a situation where it wasn’t going to happen without even realizing it.

So one night summer guy and myself are planning to talk about where this relationship is going, and I wasn’t actually sure what he would say. I was pretty firmly in the “want” group before we were going to talk and as soon as this conversation was inevitable I pivoted quickly to the “omg I don’t want a relationship right now” group until he said he wanted to keep things casual and I wound up in the “sad because obviously we would be great together if he just gave it a chance” pit of confusion.

I ain’t proud. Although, it did make it easier to evaluate my thought processes having them laid out on such a short timeline. He did the same thing. As soon as I didn’t want one again he would start to feel like a relationship was a good idea.

Prime patio days.

ButterflyEffect  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Hah, it's not even that. Things either fizzle or blow up before that conversation even happens. Or in the two instances, it's a no, and things blow up a couple of weeks later.

oyster  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

mhmmmm, I know that fizzle and I know that blow up. I also know I pushed away every guy who was a good fit because I got scared even though my brain came up with a bunch of not very important personality flaws to cover up my anxiety.

It might be something different but it's worth evaluating your motivation a bit more. I could easily keep on thinking that I pick apart every good guy's personality because I actually found a bunch of things I don't like but I've realized I only do it because I'm afraid I will like it. Funny timing, I actually realized yesterday that my favourite bars are always dive bars but I fought it. I don't fight it anymore, I know who I am and I know what I like. I think every time we decide we like some thing we are putting a piece of ourselves out there. Every time we decide we like a person we are putting a pretty big chunk of ourselves out there. Are dive bars perfect ? Hell no, but they make me happy and that's what's really important.

ButterflyEffect  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  
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ButterflyEffect  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  
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johnnyFive  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

That's true enough, but sadly I'm not sure what if anything one can do to accelerate the process.

ButterflyEffect  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

You either change your expectations or accept the fact that you are likely to frequently be an un-partnered person.

johnnyFive  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Oh, I meant in terms of accelerating the process of finding someone.

FirebrandRoaring  ·  2290 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    I haven't progressed as far along as I had thought, Hubski.

Admitting defeat and being willing to look at the reason is a step forward, even if it may seem like a step back.