Saaaaame it’s because my brain decided I was afraid of commitment but let me believe I wanted it so that fucker kept going for emotionally unavailable guys. That way when I experienced this desire for commitment I had already set myself up in a situation where it wasn’t going to happen without even realizing it. So one night summer guy and myself are planning to talk about where this relationship is going, and I wasn’t actually sure what he would say. I was pretty firmly in the “want” group before we were going to talk and as soon as this conversation was inevitable I pivoted quickly to the “omg I don’t want a relationship right now” group until he said he wanted to keep things casual and I wound up in the “sad because obviously we would be great together if he just gave it a chance” pit of confusion. I ain’t proud. Although, it did make it easier to evaluate my thought processes having them laid out on such a short timeline. He did the same thing. As soon as I didn’t want one again he would start to feel like a relationship was a good idea. Prime patio days. Can think of two instances the other way around, where I have asked
Hah, it's not even that. Things either fizzle or blow up before that conversation even happens. Or in the two instances, it's a no, and things blow up a couple of weeks later.
mhmmmm, I know that fizzle and I know that blow up. I also know I pushed away every guy who was a good fit because I got scared even though my brain came up with a bunch of not very important personality flaws to cover up my anxiety. It might be something different but it's worth evaluating your motivation a bit more. I could easily keep on thinking that I pick apart every good guy's personality because I actually found a bunch of things I don't like but I've realized I only do it because I'm afraid I will like it. Funny timing, I actually realized yesterday that my favourite bars are always dive bars but I fought it. I don't fight it anymore, I know who I am and I know what I like. I think every time we decide we like some thing we are putting a piece of ourselves out there. Every time we decide we like a person we are putting a pretty big chunk of ourselves out there. Are dive bars perfect ? Hell no, but they make me happy and that's what's really important.