Working at an elementary school has been an interesting experience, to say the least.
I took some time off from my service there, mostly because I felt overwhelmed with the work, but also because I was beginning to have some anger and resentment toward the school and its staff, as well as the AmeriCorps service program generally. It's so unlike any other job I've had, and so incredibly interactive--and frankly counter to anything I would gravitate toward naturally.
As I've gotten older, I've learned different techniques to get me out of my head, into the world, etc. I'm reclusive if I let myself, and all too often the effects of this are more trouble than they're worth in the end. That being said, this setting has pushed me to my limit. Volunteering my weekends, my holidays, working 9 hour days, for a monthly check of $1,110...and to still be looked down upon by credentialed staff (most of whom are great at what they do) for not filling a particularly 'important' position. And apart from the work requirements, feeling drained after the constant interaction with staff, and kids everywhere...It's a humbling experience. I'm sure it's even a lesson I need to learn. But it's really exhausting, and so counter to what I thought I'd be able to do.
My main problem though, seems to be that I can't figure out a way to sidestep feeling burned out. I took 2 weeks (2 weeks!) off in order to get my bearings straight and consider whether or not this was the right fit for me, for my personality, and for my limitations at this time.
I have roughly 7 months left in order to complete my full year of service. Has anyone out there been in a similar position, or place, where the job you've committed to, and sometimes even love, contradicts so much about you, the way you interact with the world, and where you'd like to be financially...so much so that you don't know whether or not you'll be able to complete it? I know there are people who find things like this easy, and are social butterflies bursting with charisma (I envy you), but I feel like I spend too much time wishing there was a quiet spot for me to go to and escape for a few minutes, just to feel like myself again. So how did you overcome it? Or did you take the lesson for what it was worth, and motivate yourself to pursue something more in line with your natural inclinations and interests? I'd love to hear about it.
I want to second what kb said. You're a human being, not a zen buddhist free of the need for gratitude and acknowledgement, and so there's no amount of nose-to-grindstone that'll get you healthily through life. Vacations away from this don't help because you return to an unchanged environment.
After my AmeriCorps NCCC term (a team-based program where I served as a team leader), I spent 3 months in Detroit mucking and gutting basements after a torrential storm overwhelmed the sewer system. Raw sewage and rainwater were backed up into people's basements, of which 40,000 or so were reported. One thing that's really difficult for me to talk about in regards to that experience is... how ungrateful the residents seemed to be. Of the 50 or so houses that I helped service, less than a handful communicated their gratitude the way that I would have. Smiles, hugs, profuse thanks. A cup of soup or a story during our lunch break.
This tormented me. I thought really hard about my small, though undeniable, resentment. Maybe it was unfounded because I wasn't understanding something. I considered that we weren't really helping the situation all that much. Sure we were abating dangerous black mold that sprang up--we were working in basements up to six months after the storm, and a majority of households had small children-- but there was no guarantee that the very next storm wouldn't bring this upon them all over again. Maybe they were resentful of us. Here we were, smiling against all logic while we pumped sewage to the curbside sewer drain, knee deep in filth. We were feeling good because of our work, look--we're helping. Add to these considerations the crushing weight of living in as bombed out and third-world a city as Detroit. There wasn't a day that I didn't think long and hard about the institutional factors that fucked that town.
But I realized in the end that I didn't do a goddamn thing to contribute to any of that. And I'm a human being. So it's not unfair of me to hope for acknowledgment of the hard work we were doing. Shit, it's why I do it. I try to minimize that need for acknowledgment, because in the end I believe it's all work that needs doing, but I don't believe in a heaven that I'll land in if I toil anonymously. It's a testament to how motivated I am by human needs that a kind word motivates me for weeks.
You remind me a lot of my best friend that I met during my service term in AmeriCorps. I actually just spoke to her last night so this is incredibly timely. She committed to a being team leader and so therefore to take on the responsibility of talking to people constantly. There's not a day you're not talking to your teammates, project staff, members of the community, etc. And she's one of the most reserved, quiet persons I've ever met. It was a challenge for her. But she told me that it's really important to practice the skills that don't come naturally. It's much easier for her to be outgoing when she "stretches that muscle." It gets rusty. There were a lot of stressful, awkward, and difficult moments, but she says she's better off for being forced to go through them. Also, there are a lot of benefits that go along with finishing the program (connections, experiences, that ed. award).
She said, "I think I have a mild social anxiety but I'd say it's under control. It's important that I don't let it run me."
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Pull aside one of your supervisors, and start the sentence, "This is really difficult for me to say, but..." and finish it.
What you're doing is incredible. We need more people like you. It's hard work, often goes unappreciated, and for people who do this sort of thing young, occurs in tandem with growing up and learning about oneself. Keep it up.
Thank you.
I enjoy hearing about other people's experience within AmeriCorps, we all seem to adopt different coping mechanisms, however subtle. It's difficult for me to confront the feeling of being unneeded during the service, especially with so many larger circumstances/institutions controlling the infrastructure of the setting before having even entered it--as you've mentioned.
I'd have to agree with your best friend, it is a muscle. I try and force myself to get through the more difficult spots, and suppress my flight instinct (that seems to switch on more than I have the time for) to more manageable levels. My solution always seems to be to go through the motions and let my emotions seep in later; the only problem I run into is during times when even going that far is too demanding a feat. I wish your friend all the luck by the way, as I'm sure she's dealing with and managing a colorful mix personalities.
In terms of dealing with it, I think you're right. I reached out and got to speak with my supervisor this morning about changing some things around in order for me to be able to look forward to carrying on with my work. They're fairly simple things too, just so damn hard to ask for, precisely because they seem to be so....sentimental. It's an awkward situation, to ask for appreciation. Especially when in the back of my mind I think that maybe no one is appreciating my work because in fact, I'm not doing good work.
A generalised reply to the last part:
A lot of people say they prefer bluntness and honesty, but imo a monthly highlight of positives is worth it.
And if someone resents that they think your work is bad, it's likely their loss from not being able to get over themselves. A good start is better, but not always going to happen.
I'ma guess you've got boundary issues. You're resentful of your contribution which means you're giving too much of it. Beyond that, we've got an Americorps veteran in blackbootz who can probably speak specifically to some issues you're experiencing.