elope.

Elope. Seriously.

This will be my second marriage. The other one was more than 20 years ago, so it was a lifetime ago.

The wedding is all about pinning every hope and dream on the precise fall of a long and winding chain of incredibly precisely placed of dominoes, most of which have been placed by people who have little or no investment in the outcome of your event.

Either you micro-manage every single aspect, and drive yourself insane before, during, and after the event trying to manage every detail, or, you hire outsiders to come in with their staff of minimum wage flunkies and hope they don't undercook the salmon and kill half your guests with botulism.

Seriously though... a wedding is just a teetering tower of potential failure that you have very little control over.

My wedding is dead-simple. ONE location. The caterer owns the building. We are using their staff for all the waiters, cooks, and bartenders. The officiant is a personal friend. There are no attendants, just me and my wife standing there with the officiant. My mom is doing the flowers. My sister is going to manage my dog (who is old and perfectly trained anyway). And our families like each other and get along well.

And we have spent a YEAR planning this thing, it is less than two months away, and I still know that half this shit is going to go sideways somehow, and my wife is gonna lose her shit at least two or three times before/during the event.

I can't think of a worse idea than A Wedding.

If it had been my choice, I'd have eloped to somewhere wonderful for a couple weeks of blissful couple-ness, and then told everyone to come to a big public park after we get back and have a Wedding Picnic. BYO everything. Come sit in a park, in the sun, and let's laugh and talk about love and wear comfortable clothes and take silly pictures together.

That would the the HONEST thing to do.

But no. Ya gotta have the pomp and circumstance and the suit and the catered food and... uff.

So here is my advice to a couple that is about to get married!

It's just one day. The wedding ain't shit. What you two have... THAT'S the shit. That is what needs to work. That is what needs to sustain through the horror that is a wedding. That is what needs to sustain when one of you gets diagnosed with something shitty.

Every day, find something to compliment the other person on. Even if it is silly/stupid. Especially if it is silly/stupid.

Don't go to bed angry. Do whatever it takes to find some quiet together, and then talk about it. No problem ever got better or went away by sleeping on it, and you don't want to pick up this argument again before you've had your coffee in the morning. And, most importantly, you don't want that shit in your bed. That's where you make love. Don't bring anger between the sheets.

Cancel. "Yeah, I know we were supposed to go to XYZ, but I just don't want to. I want to be with you. Let's go to a movie instead." Choosing him/her over anything else is a win for both of you and your relationship. So do it sometimes. Just cancel. And spend that time together.

Turn off the TV and travel together. Read together. Do whatever you can together, without the TV. Constantly being barraged with the messages of TV is terrible for love and relationships. But you can have a show you wait to watch together. Just don't leave the TV on for whatever is after it.

And finally - and most importantly - have a life outside of each other. Have friends you do stuff with, or hobbies, that don't involve the other person. Schedule them the same night... she has her Ladies "RuPaul" Night, and you have your Dudes Poker Night every Tuesday, or whatever. You gotta have people and things you do outside of your relationship. Where you are solo. You are one. And you then have NEW stories to talk about with your partner when you wake up on Wednesday morning.

My wedding isn't really what I want it to be, but it is what my wife wants. So I am going whole-hog on the deal and gonna be the most amazing groom she could ever hope for. Because shit... it's one afternoon.

We, however, are forever.

goobster is also about to take the plunge.

Good luck to you all. I would say that if you're not committed to spending the rest of your life w this person, don't do it.

Also, have fun and enjoy being engaged. You were unmarried for many years, you'll hopefully be married for many years but you will only be engaged for a short while. "Fiancee" is a fleeting thing. Enjoy it.