Back Story: 5 Years ago my younger brother passed away. He was 20 I was 22. It was and still is the worst pain imaginable. Recently, I was reunited with a 2nd cousin. Pretty much the only young living relative on my father's side. We will call her Laura, she was in her late 20s. Basically, my age and her brother died 2 or 3 years ago due to a diabetes complication.
I got in touch because, her mother, let's call her, Daisy, was struggling with gastric issues. She had a colostomy bag and they can't figure out what exactly is wrong with her. Anyway, I have major gastric issues. So, we connected over that and Laura and I connected over our brothers.
Laura and I made a pact of sorts, now that our brothers were both gone, we could be like sisters and would always have each other. No matter what. It felt like a void had been filled. Finally.
Present Moment: Thursday, Laura was found dead. That comforting feeling of having someone who cares after my parents pass on, was ripped out from under me. Again.
I found out on Facebook. I had tagged Laura in the morning because, some silly Facebook App said I looked like Kristen Stuart. Laura is strikingly similar in appearance to me. I was then chatting with an old childhood friend on Hangouts and she asks who Laura is…
I tell her she’s my cousin and how great she is. Very happy to tell my friend we reconnected in May and have each other now. My friend asks me if I had seen her Facebook recently. I ask why while simultaneously pulling it up. She goes uhhh and my expression changes suddenly. There are all these RIP messages and condolences.
I start to break down pretty quick. Phone my father in Europe thinking this is some kind of mistake or sick joke. However, it’s late in the evening and he doesn’t answer. I leave a pretty frantic voicemail.
I phone my mother at the house line in my hometown. No one answers. I then call my mother on her cellphone. Turns out she is 3hrs away from me and was coming up to deliver the news. It was a relief to hear she was on her way already, but my goodness. It was and still is heart wrenching. I must’ve cried and cried because before I knew it mom was at my apartment.
To make matters worse, Daisy has lost both of her adult children ripped away from her. She is all alone now and it breaks my heart. How is this even fair? Daisy has me blood relative wise, but oh goodness. I don't even know. I'm devastated.
I know all there is to know about the grieving. I know what it's like to feel like you are going to have no one to rely on in the future. I'm just sitting here. Wondering how I can possibly deal with this again. I also know that I can't die. I just can't. Not until my parents are gone. I can't put them through what Daisy is going through. The hard bit about that is I'm pretty sick. I have a rare gastrointestinal disorder that requires using a feeding tube. I'm just worried that somehow I could go under anesthetic and not wake up or something. It's a fear I don't know exactly how to handle. I try not to think about it, however when you're surrounded by death and illness all around, it's hard not to think about it.
I'm in talk therapy, I take psych medications and I'm constantly working through my issues. I just feel really drained at the moment. This has been so horrid.
In Short: My cousin died Wednesday. I feel so alone; I am really worried about her mother who is really alone in the world. My cousin lost her brother about 2years ago. I am just so upset. I can't sleep or anything. I just feel horrid. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose all of your children.