So, I come with many issues, being ill (on a feeding tube) hasn't been easy and I tend to operate out of fear. In fact, I'm so terrified of certain things and others reactions, I'd lie about incidents to avoid confrontation. It used to work really well because, no one would question it and I used to live along so no one was around to catch me in a lie. No matter how big or small.
Well anyway, I've moved in with my guy and as a result, a lot (all) of my lies are being caught and are making him very upset. It's reached a point where I've lied about spending money, how long I'll be gone or out of the house for or even lying about not gambling when I have in fact indulged that at times.
In my head - they're squirrelly small shit lies where I'm just adjusting to living with another human.
In his head - If I'm lying about the small potatoes what other big thing could I be lying about?
So we had a long conversation because right now he wants to be able to do a weekly audit of my checking account to make sure I'm not lying about spending my money on ridiculous crap and am being responsible, but I don't think it's his place to have access to question every charge on my account. In my head there should be some cool shit that I can buy with or without his approval and just because I didn't mention getting X for X doesn't mean I was lying to him - it just wasn't his business....
However, he feels the trust is really broken.
This frustrates me to no end because I have turned my entire life around for this relationship. I've come down hugely on my pain medication, I've made strides with organization, Turning my life upside down, leaving all my friends, family & doctors to live in some other city with him where I basically have to start over....
And the fact that he's given an ultimatum at this point that IF I don't stop lying or make huge steps to improve it "we're done," so in that moment I tried to share something big that was on my mind....That went something like this: ....."Hey baby, I'm - well -- something that I think of often I want to share with you. I often feel the need to buy extra pain medication off the streets because I'm scared of not having enough of being in pain - although I haven't I'm super scared of it happening."
And then he was mad at me for (1) Not telling him sooner and (2) Reiterated that that makes him definitely want to look at my bank account statements weekly to make sure I'm not buying drugs........
Now I haven't bought drug illicitly. ever. However, it is something I consider in times of need, that does pass through thoughts. He got made at me for not sharing that with him earlier when the whole reason I was sharing was because I didn't want him to think I wasn't being honest about my struggles.
His reaction literally caused me to cry myself to sleep latest night because, here I am making a genuine attempt at honesty and in his head I just lied to him again.
It's upsetting. It's like I'm going to be damned if I do and damned if I don't and I'm not exactly sure on how to handle any of that.
Thoughts? Suggestions? How can I effectively work through this? I do not want to give up on this relationship. There's far more good that outweighs the bad and for me so long as he isn't straight up cheating on me, I'm cool with working through it however, I'm not sure how to even begin tackling this issue and was hoping hubski would have some good ideas.
& It really freaked me out. Like w-w--ait I just followed through and told you something important to build trust and you blew it off as if I were continuing to lie? What is this mess!?
I agree that I cannot control his reaction however, I'm fearful if every time I tell the truth he gets angry, this relationship is doomed. and that makes me very sad.
And it's not like I've been actively lying. the lies are mostly like this, "Oh I'll be back up to the hotel room in 20mins after I get off the phone with dad. See you soon babe." -- Dad then ropes me up in a 45minute conversation that leaves me stressed at the end of it and I blow off 15minutes of steam by playing a penny slot machine for a bit Just to cool down before returning to the room.. However, I'm greeted in the room with a boyfriend who wants to know why I was gone for a whole hour when I said 20minute. I have "lied" to him about the time I'd be gone for and then I "wasted" $10 on slots blowing off steam. and lied my omission because I never mentioned that I was gonna play slots at all.
Or that other night where my boyfriend wanted to go to bed with me at the same time but I was nowhere near tired and still needed to take care of my night medications, then the dog needed a walk/water so I took care of him before I went to bed AND I still needed to do a proper feed to feed myself. That ended up being a big fight for lying to him about when I was going to bed with him for turning a 10minute 'let me get ready" into what really took 30 minutes to get and be ready for bed. It wasn't like I wasn't coming to bed but the way he acted you'd think I wasn't.
I am reading this and I was hoping you would be able to provide a little more information. How old are you, how old is he, how long have you been dating? How long were you dating before you moved in? How far away from your friends and family did you move? If it's not too personal, why did you decide to move away from them and into a strange city with your s/o? Do you share finances in any material way or is the expectation that both of you will just pay half of each bill as it comes or whatever? (For instance are you on the lease together, gas bill, etc) Do you participate in any organized sobriety program or pursue therapy of some kind? (I am asking this one because if you do, that should be something that should reassure him somewhat. However, I am not asking this because I think that it is the one and only or even best approach to sobriety and moderation, so please don't feel I am pushing an certain angle here.) I am a little concerned here as I think your boyfriend sounds like he might be somewhat controlling of you, but I don't want to jump to any conclusions without more information. In the meantime, please do not allow him access to your finances. It sounds to me as if you are isolated, in an unfamiliar location, without a built-in support network of people who have known you for a long time and care about your wellness or who can help you if you need it. You live with your BF, so he has control over your physical location. He's your only readily available emotional resource so he has control in that you are dependent upon him for a lot of emotional support. I am afraid if you allow him to have access to your finances it could lead to a situation where you have no ability to leave him/the city, if you decide that you no longer want to date him.
The short answer is, "yes," you seem to have a very pronounced issue with honesty. From the things that you've said, it might be possible that you're in a bad relationship and this makes it hard for you to be honest. It also might be that you've been so dishonest, so often, that you've turned it into a bad relationship. Instead of saying, "I'm going to be gone for 20 minutes," say something like, "I'm going to be gone for a while." If he insists that you give him a very precise estimate, tell him that you can't. If that isn't acceptable then I would say that he has way, way too much control over you, and you are probably in an unhealthy relationship. As an adult you don't need to give a detailed, precise itinerary of your every moment to someone you're in a relationship with. If this is the case for you, something is very off. If you are giving bad estimates of how long you're going to be doing things, try not to give estimates at all. If he insists tell him you can only give a rough estimate because you're not a psychic. I don't know what else to tell you. Once you damage trust it takes time and effort to rebuild it. If you think that lying about "little stuff," "infrequently" is going to lead to a better situation I think that you are mistaken, but I don't know all the details of your relationship. It sounds like there are a handful of distinct problems.
Fuck that. There is absolutely no trust on his part, she isn't lying when she says she'll be 20 minutes, that's her genuine expectation, her partner needs to accept that sometimes shit happens. My partner buys things all the time without telling me; I don't feel compelled to dig through her finances because I can trust that she will not be reckless with her money and if there is a large purchase I can trust that she would tell me. If she forgets to tell me, I am not going to get angry with her and start calling her a liar. _refugee_ is absolutely right, he's controlling xofaith, but worse he's manipulated her to the point that she even believes she's some pathological liar and not that he is the problem. Put it this way, Faith said in the very first paragraph that she is "terrified" and "operating out of fear", those are words you should never need to describe a relationship, once it reaches that point you should do everything you can to get yourself away and safe.
I will be honest and say my gut is telling me this is not a good situation for OP. I think I can see some contributing factors that may have made OP blind to BF's negative traits - I think OP may be insecure about how their medical issues impact their ability to be in a relationship, and/or OP may have low self-esteem or low self-worth that relates to those issues. And as a result OP may not think she is worthy of much, and OP may have been so thankful for her BF being there for her (in whatever way) that it may have blinded OP to relationship red flags. OP may not have much relationship experience, either (please note: these are all speculations based on literally one post and I could be quite wrong with all or many of them and if that is the case, I apologize, please correct me, this is just what I am seeing right now as the situation has been presented). I didn't call out the terrified and operating out of fear as OP seemed to attribute that more to her illness. Unfortunately, whatever may have led OP to be acting and reacting to life in that way has not put her in a safe place to make good decisions mentally. When we act out of fear we are like rats scrabbling in a cage. Reason and logic go out the window and we will run towards whatever feels good without caring much what the long-term consequences may be. I do think OP could use some therapy, of the mental health kind. I don't disagree with what deanSolecki said. Then again, I did read all these comments and the alarm bells I heard ringing did not seem sufficiently identified and expressed here, which is why I posted. I think when you are reading relationship problems on the internet, it's important to remember there are two sides to every problem, and while one may want to rush in and offer lots of help, there are a lot of unknowns at play. For instance we don't know what else OP may have lied about. We don't know if at any point OP asked her BF to help her stay sober. While I don't think that would be an appropriate role for a BF, it would make his request to monitor her financials seem slightly more reasonable, even if I still feel it is out of line and should not be allowed. I thought deanSolecki's proposal was a good way to determine whether the actual "lie" about time was what was causing the BF's problem, or if the situation really went deeper than that. It was a good litmus test. However, and I think this is what you are responding to Cedar - I think some of us reading this post might be worried that OP may be more at danger staying for the time it would take to execute this test than it is worth, due to the other red flags that we see. sigh why didn't I pursue therapy as a career, I really enjoy this stuff
I think all three of us are of the same opinion. This looks like a bad situation, with a lot of red flags. Still, OP sounds young. There could be some embellishment, or some misdirection. In that case would it still look like a bad situation? Yes, I think so. But a few paragraphs of text isn't enough for a mathematical certainty. On top of that, a litmus test is a way for OP to convince herself, and not take it on faith from the internet that things aren't as they should be. Will that work? Eh. Probably not. But it might get her to start thinking about things in a different way, as a first step. I agree, though, it sounds like OP is trying, feels guilty, and her boyfriend has all the power in their relationship and isn't kind about it. I'd be genuinely surprised if things were not very, very bad. If there's victimization going on it certainly isn't OP's fault. I get the feeling we've heard the last of OP, though, so we'll be left guessing. :\
If you try to communicate honestly with someone and they immediately jump at you, harsh, critical, making judgments, that's not a good sign. I don't really know the particulars of your sitch, but your boyfriend seems like he is not being the person Mr. Rogers wanted him to be in this matter. If you were mentally disabled to a profound degree, I could understand someone wanting to control a person's checking account. But this? Unless your finances are inextricably linked (like, you're spending his paycheck on your drugs), what you do with your own money is none of his damn business. However, from what you've said, there seems to be some blockage issue regarding your confusion about being honest and straightforward with people, which can be contributing to your situation. It's understandable. My intuition is telling me this might be a boundary issues thing. My initial suggestion would be to do research online about healthy boundaries, and that might help somewhat, point you in a good direction.
That got me. If he doesn't trust you that much - or, at all - and still uses your affection to push the relationship further, he's a manipulating piece of shit who doesn't deserve any of your time. You might be used to lying, but telling it to the person you love isn't supposed to cause such a mess. Sure, they might lash out at you for being dishonest, but those who have best intentions at heart will always apologize and do their best to fix it back together - not by trying to push your buttons ("But I love you, you know that, right?" or "I'm just doing what's best for you, why don't you see it?"), but by doing something to actually repair the situation. They'd want to talk through it, find ways of doing better together or helping you overcome it - anything that will move things forward instead of keeping them the same way. What your boyfriend does isn't healthy: he uses you as a living doll to dominate you and raise his self-esteem through it. It doesn't matter what led him to this: it's damaging to both of you (him - further, you - starting to), and no one should endure such a relationship. The way I see it, your best way is to get away from such a person, slowly if you have to, right now if you can. You've invested into this relationship more than you should have already - don't let your boyfriend pull more strings to make you stay. He will try to persuade you, scare you or - I hope not, but I don't know the guy - beat you into submission. Don't let him. He doesn't deserve: just look at how much he has already taken from you. Call your father or someone else you know who can stand up for you physically (if you can't) and do the talk with that person present. Your boyfriend won't like it. He isn't supposed to: it's about you, not him. Tell him everything you think about your relationship and quit right there. It will be tough to say those words, given how much you've put into this ordeal already, but trust me: living alone is better than living with someone who regularly abuses you. He might lie about what happened, twist the truth to present you in a light worse than it was at the time. Don't give in and tell the person you take with you (if you do) about it beforehand so they, too, would be ready. Right now, you're thinking in the mindframe of pleasing him because he manipulated you well enough for you to accept that. Do you really want to live a life where you only do things because you're too scared to enrage somebody you love? I doubt you do: like all people, you want a happy, trustful, confident relationship with a person who feels the same. You're doing a good thing by talking about it with those who have no connections to the guy, as well as believing that it isn't healthy, because it isn't. He's angry at you because he's terrified, scared shitless of losing a person who's been giving him love despite him being a raging asshole that he is, and he doesn't have an idea about what it's like to be in an equal relationship; or, maybe he doesn't even give a shit about being in one because it gives him kicks to abuse another person. Either way, you can't fix it, because you can't fix him - but you can fix yourself. Do what's best for you and quit, and live a good life forever after. Let this be a very painful learning experience about the value of trust and the horrors of abuse so that, one day, maybe you'll help someone whom you used to be.However, he feels the trust is really broken.
Great job on cutting back on pain medication, it isn't easy. I have held someone down at their own request, to get them to stop heroin before. It is pretty awful to watch. He had his colon removed in high school. He was in pain, and depressed so he started buying street drugs. I ruined my credit trying to help him. Have you always had a problem with honesty or is it something that changed, as you have gotten sick? Opiates have a tendency to take over your brain, and turn your life's purpose into getting more opiates. I can't feel your pain, or tell you what to do, but if they stop working, and you need continuously higher doses, it could be less painful to ween off now. I don't think you are anywhere near, that point if you still care about other people. There are other things you might try for pain, medical marijuana, or even meditation could take the edge off. It is so hard to get to the right dose of pain meds. If you are can afford it, on top of the other hospital bills you probably already have, go to a pain clinic, and tell them you are afraid of loosing control. It doesn't sound like you even are going past what your doctor gave you. It also sounds like you don't trust yourself to need more. If you want him to trust you again, you might just let him watch over your bank account. It isn't like he is being sexist, or spending your money. Boundaries might not be that important in a situation like yours. Opiates are like the ring from LOTR, let him be your Sam and protect you.
That also is just what I wish someone told my friend. I don't know you or your boyfriend. I don't know his intentions, but if he cares about you let him help you heal. It isn't your fault you needed that shit, but you will be in trouble, if you think you are stronger than the most additive kind of drug, without help. This could kill you as easily as your illness.
Well I think in some cases your boyfriend may be overreacting. He doesn't have to know what you are doing every moment of your life, and he definitely doesn't need to do a weekly audit of your checking account. Your money is your own business, not his. But if you spent $200 while shopping and told him you only spent $30, then maybe you have a problem. For the most part, you should tell him the truth, and if he gets angry, apologize, unless it was an ridiculously absurd thing to get angry at. Maybe you should consult a therapist instead of asking the internet. But that's just my opinion.