So, I come with many issues, being ill (on a feeding tube) hasn't been easy and I tend to operate out of fear. In fact, I'm so terrified of certain things and others reactions, I'd lie about incidents to avoid confrontation. It used to work really well because, no one would question it and I used to live along so no one was around to catch me in a lie. No matter how big or small.
Well anyway, I've moved in with my guy and as a result, a lot (all) of my lies are being caught and are making him very upset. It's reached a point where I've lied about spending money, how long I'll be gone or out of the house for or even lying about not gambling when I have in fact indulged that at times.
In my head - they're squirrelly small shit lies where I'm just adjusting to living with another human.
In his head - If I'm lying about the small potatoes what other big thing could I be lying about?
So we had a long conversation because right now he wants to be able to do a weekly audit of my checking account to make sure I'm not lying about spending my money on ridiculous crap and am being responsible, but I don't think it's his place to have access to question every charge on my account. In my head there should be some cool shit that I can buy with or without his approval and just because I didn't mention getting X for X doesn't mean I was lying to him - it just wasn't his business....
However, he feels the trust is really broken.
This frustrates me to no end because I have turned my entire life around for this relationship. I've come down hugely on my pain medication, I've made strides with organization, Turning my life upside down, leaving all my friends, family & doctors to live in some other city with him where I basically have to start over....
And the fact that he's given an ultimatum at this point that IF I don't stop lying or make huge steps to improve it "we're done," so in that moment I tried to share something big that was on my mind....That went something like this: ....."Hey baby, I'm - well -- something that I think of often I want to share with you. I often feel the need to buy extra pain medication off the streets because I'm scared of not having enough of being in pain - although I haven't I'm super scared of it happening."
And then he was mad at me for (1) Not telling him sooner and (2) Reiterated that that makes him definitely want to look at my bank account statements weekly to make sure I'm not buying drugs........
Now I haven't bought drug illicitly. ever. However, it is something I consider in times of need, that does pass through thoughts. He got made at me for not sharing that with him earlier when the whole reason I was sharing was because I didn't want him to think I wasn't being honest about my struggles.
His reaction literally caused me to cry myself to sleep latest night because, here I am making a genuine attempt at honesty and in his head I just lied to him again.
It's upsetting. It's like I'm going to be damned if I do and damned if I don't and I'm not exactly sure on how to handle any of that.
Thoughts? Suggestions? How can I effectively work through this? I do not want to give up on this relationship. There's far more good that outweighs the bad and for me so long as he isn't straight up cheating on me, I'm cool with working through it however, I'm not sure how to even begin tackling this issue and was hoping hubski would have some good ideas.
& It really freaked me out. Like w-w--ait I just followed through and told you something important to build trust and you blew it off as if I were continuing to lie? What is this mess!?
I agree that I cannot control his reaction however, I'm fearful if every time I tell the truth he gets angry, this relationship is doomed. and that makes me very sad.
And it's not like I've been actively lying. the lies are mostly like this, "Oh I'll be back up to the hotel room in 20mins after I get off the phone with dad. See you soon babe." -- Dad then ropes me up in a 45minute conversation that leaves me stressed at the end of it and I blow off 15minutes of steam by playing a penny slot machine for a bit Just to cool down before returning to the room.. However, I'm greeted in the room with a boyfriend who wants to know why I was gone for a whole hour when I said 20minute. I have "lied" to him about the time I'd be gone for and then I "wasted" $10 on slots blowing off steam. and lied my omission because I never mentioned that I was gonna play slots at all.
Or that other night where my boyfriend wanted to go to bed with me at the same time but I was nowhere near tired and still needed to take care of my night medications, then the dog needed a walk/water so I took care of him before I went to bed AND I still needed to do a proper feed to feed myself. That ended up being a big fight for lying to him about when I was going to bed with him for turning a 10minute 'let me get ready" into what really took 30 minutes to get and be ready for bed. It wasn't like I wasn't coming to bed but the way he acted you'd think I wasn't.