I realized today that I need an older brother. I'm the oldest of 5 boys, and I have always let my younger brothers know that if there is something they need, or something they want to talk about, that there is no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed about it, and that I will help them. And I can't remember ever hearing anyone tell me that. I have a fairly healthy relationship with my parents, but we disagree on a lot of very important issues, and these disagreements quickly become heated issues. So, while I love my parents and depend on them, I can't open up to them fully. I feel a pressure to never talk to my younger brothers about my own problems, because I want to try and give them a model of the mentality and behaviors I wished I had when I was their age. My best friend is a great person, but he becomes very uncomfortable if our conversations get too deep, so I feel a pressure to not talk to him so I don't make him uncomfortable. Today, this very afternoon I realized that if I have a problem (There is an extra $1000 on my student loans that is going to come due in January because I didn't get a grant I needed) I have no one to talk to about it. I have no one to ask the question "How do I say this to Mom and Dad?" and it is painful.
Has anyone else felt this way? Only children? Other oldest children?
How do I figure out who I can trust with my fears in the night?
As far as options, I can take a cut from my residual income(Work in insurance, less than half time during the school year) for some of it, but my parents will end up paying for most of it, we had an agreement that they will pay for as much of my school as they have to as long as my grades are good. But the fact that I have to tell them about it, and ask them to pay for it bothers me because I still feel like it was because of a failure on my part (It was, needed 3.5 to get it for sure, didn't get the 3.5) But the larger problem is that there's nobody I can bring things like this to. (Except you internet!) Another... Interesting example: I have been seeing a lovely young woman for a few weeks, found out last night that she has a really expensive habit that involves lots of white powder. I immediately broke things off, as politely as I could, but now I have this ache and no way to express it or ask for counsel about it.
I'm sorry that you're experiencing some loneliness right now. Friendships, especially male friendships, take time to mature to a point where you can openly share your fears etc. I'm fortunate that one of my closest friends came in to town to visit me last night. We stayed up until 5am talking. I shared a lot of my current fears/frustrations with him and it helped. Have you ever considered seeing a therapist? Don't knock it till you try it; it can be incredibly liberating to have someone you trust that will not judge you to talk to every week. Now that I mention this, I think I really could benefit from therapy myself. I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend, it sounds like you made the right choice. Good luck pal!
I have spoken to a therapist in the past, junior/senior year of high school and a little my freshman year of college. I've considered going again, especially because mental health is one thing my University takes damn seriously (Free counseling, pretty much as long as you need it) And part of the sense of loss is my own fault, I realized a few years ago that I was surrounding myself with people who didn't reflect the type of person I'd like to be and I made a point to lose contact with those people, but now I have my best friend and a sea of acquaintances. People who I am pleasant with, and who owe me (or I owe) a beer, but few of any real substance.
I've been swamped, sorry; I meant to respond yesterday. I was going to say that while your options aren't great, they aren't terrible. A thousand dollars isn't the end of the world. I guess it depends on the parents, but if they've already offered to pay your college they seem supportive. Supportive parents pick you up when you fail. You seem pretty level-headed about it; no excuses. So that's small-scale, and larger scale I really do understand what you mean about needing a mentor. If you don't have an older brother, there's no one to turn to for real mentoring at our age. You can't just go find someone to fill that need. It's tough. I feel ya.
Hey Ben - perhaps one of the mentality and behaviours you want to model is the willingness to be open about reality and not hide it. They might know you better or differently than the image you think you are projecting. I don't know how much younger they are, and that's a factor, but perhaps you are closer to one or another. Being disappointed in your grades and feeling guilty is a reality. If this happens to them, they will want to share it with you. Running out of money is a reality. You hope they will problem-solve with you if that happens. Perhaps you can problem-solve with them. The fact that you have not made a special bond with one or another brother shows that your parents have treated you all equally and can balance the needs of each child. I hope so. It's just a thought and depends on age and maturity of brothers, of course, but I suspect they would like to be closer to you. They will have girl problems, maybe one or another is gay. If you open up to them, they might be more likely to share difficulties with you without being afraid of being judged. As for this statement EDIT: I have a brother who is almost five years younger than me. A real break-through for me was when I confided in him about some romantic problems I was having in my 20s. He was incredibly supportive. It really helped.I feel a pressure to never talk to my younger brothers about my own problems, because I want to try and give them a model of the mentality and behaviors I wished I had when I was their age.
But the larger problem is that there's nobody I can bring things like this to. (Except you internet!)
This isn't the internet. this is hubski. You're not yelling into the void. There's no yelling here, and there's no void.
>This isn't the internet. this is hubski
I appreciate the reminder, this place, at least for now, is different from the rest of the constantly maxed-volume stream of normal internet discussion. My relationship with my brothers is awesome, in the sense that they can and have brought there issues to me and I've helped them. If my problem is something like "Oh things didn't work out with so and so, I'm upset" they've been great at just listening to me complain. But I have to edit things for them, because I don't want them to experience the squeeze of a rough economy until they have to. So they don't have to imagine certain kinds of loss until it actually (if ever) happens to them. If I had to put words to the feeling, I'm afraid of informing them about certain kinds of stress because I worry that if I do they will be made aware of stresses and problems that a well adjusted 16 year old shouldn't be directly cognizant of.
One thought that occurs to me here. You can shield them from harsh economic realities and the stress which that induces, but I sort of wonder if that is completely necessary. 16 year olds are quite resilient, and they are at an age where they are beginning to choose their path, and re-affirm their own values and goals. I humbly suggest that exposure to harsh economic realities might actually be a service to them. While it may be stressful, it may also be formative and motivating. Maybe this sets them thinking in their minds "It's rough out there, I can't afford to mess around. I'm not going to let myself be put in this position and I'm going to get my degree and become a [insert high paying profession] no matter what. Nobody is going to stop me." I think to some degree I was shielded from a lot of the stresses of adult life in my youth, and I don't think it really benefited me. In very basic, practical ways, I'd have liked to have had more awareness of what people older than me have to struggle with daily. That's wisdom, and I think that it can easily outweigh the price. I remember after my mom divorced it was very rough for us. A bit after she had a relationship that she had to end because she felt the guy she cared for had a drinking problem, she didn't want that around her kids, so she ended it. One afternoon I came home and found her crying, holding a letter from him opening up his soul and begging her back. When I asked what was wrong she showed me the letter and asked me to read it, and wanted to know what I thought, and what she should do. It was really heavy, but that moment became a turning point in our relationship where she was my mother, but also starting to be my friend. It was changing to be let into her world of adult troubles, to have to step up and formulate a mature response that reflected my views, and to be seen as the beginnings of an equal in a small sense. I took it very seriously, and it had a positive impact on my development. It's amazing what having another person you care about depending on you can do, no matter how small the issue seems. What you view as stress for your sibling(s) could may well be an opportunity for growth with you that they will cherish. Anyway, just a small thought on that. Hang in there OftenBen, I'm an older brother too. Sometimes when you've got something difficult to communicate to someone, you just have to muster the determination, pull the band-aid off, and deliver the news with honesty, directness, and any admission of responsibility that is appropriate. Good luck with your parents.
Great post. I'm an only child. And often feel like I don't have anyone I can turn to for advice. A few of my friends are older than I am. By only a few years. So that doesn't really count most of the time. The Older Brother, for me, is this mystical magical perfect being, because I've never had one, and can only conjure one up in my imagination. Seeing my other friends with older siblings grow up, I realised that they had a similar image of their siblings when they were younger and had to watch this image crumble and fall as they grew older, only to realise that their idols were human. But with that came a new kind of respect, something, I would argue, that is much better than blind faith. And then there were those with shitty older brothers. I think what so many of us are looking for is a cool head on firm shoulders, the man with a plan, the ideal older brother. And as with most idealisation, the reality doesn't compare to the dream, but holds within it far more beauty. Sounds to me like you are a great older brother, though. Sorry I don't have an answer for you, but it takes strength to continuously strive to be a good older brother/person, and that strength usually helps you achieve great things, making large mountains ahead of you look like tine mole-hills once they are behind. And you might not have an older brother, but you always have friends who, even if awkward, will always be around when you wanna go get wasted and talk about Rome, football, women, whatever. Best of luck. Hope you get past this.
I can relate. For whatever reason, I have always had friends that are significantly older than me and I've been lucky to have had mentors during various periods of my life. I'm sorry to hear about your best friend-- that must be difficult. Everyone needs someone to confide in, but you're right that it's not always easy to do so. Except for the past few years, I've always had one or two female friends who have been willing to listen. If you have some female friends that you trust and who you think might have good insight, you might try that. For one, it might help get around the awkwardness that a lot of Western guys feel about baring emotions and being vulnerable. With any friend, it might be worth framing the problem in a forthright way, as in, "hey, if you don't mind me getting serious for a minute, I have a problem that I need some help with that I'd really like your perspective on." That way, whoever is listening can shift gears. No one likes it when someone starts getting heavy out of the blue.
Just a note for you: If you surround text with the vertical line ( | ), it will be quoted for you. Additionally, I know this may be odd to say, but sometimes having someone within the family isn't the best option. Of course when discussing your parents it may be useful, but there's no guarantee the advice you'd get from an older brother would be good or unclouded by bias, in your reception or his deliverance. I have a younger sister only, and we don't talk at all. There's no substance to our relationship other than we were both raised in the same hell, and really only in theory. We both experienced and processed the abuse we received very differently. I cam through it mostly for the better, but I fear she did not. She's not a very good person now, or good at being a person. Anything either of us said to each other would be meaningless; advice wouldn't be heeded and any discussion of what things we have in common are so radically different that it wouldn't cause anything but friction. What I'm saying is if you want to have an older brother, you should definitely have it someone you choose, insofar as 'older brother' equates to 'trusted confidante'. That's something everyone should have. You should definitely find friends that fall into that category, and if that's not possible, at least some counselor (though I never trusted professionals, more as a holdover of not trusting adults when I was young.) Besides, the old phrase (oft debated if actually new) rings true:The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.