My students were asking me, yet again, about how to handle social situations. Do you find yourself wondering what to say next? Do you have any good methods for opening up and continuing conversations? I have some suggestions here, but how do you keep a conversation going with a shy person? Are you shy?
I find it interesting that the girl is the shy person in this story. I've illogically felt that, when it comes to relationships, it would be a lot easier to be a girl, because then guys pursue you. But then I've come to realize that I just haven't really been a person worth pursuing. Is that because I'm shy? Who knows. But there comes a time where you can't let "being shy" be a crutch preventing you from pursuing someone. Or, at least, find someone even more shy than you are, haha.
thx 8bits. When I started writing this, I had the girl be the one starting the conversation. It can go either way. The arguable truth is this: girls think it's easier to be a guy because males seem to have more freedom to make a move. Guys think it's easier to be a girl for the reason you gave. Many of both just don't know how to have a converation. You can't let "being shy" be a crutch.
Dive in. Question: Since you started hanging around here (hubski), have you become more confident?
Ah, not particularly, haha! It's something I've had to improve myself, slowly, over time. It's definitely still a work in progress. I've at least felt more confident in expressing my opinion online since coming to Hubski. But conversations in the physical world with people I haven't meant are still difficult, to a degree. But traveling and being more confident in what I like to do, my "identity", have helped in that regard. I'm not as wishy washy about my passions, and that can reflect in my conversations.
I'm 36 years old and communicate for a living; I'm still figuring out how to effectively communicate with people I meet for the first time. It's a work in progress and it always will be. You are certainly right that I enjoy hearing that people feel safe to express themselves on Hubski.
I wouldn't say I'm shy so much, but I'm very reserved during the first time I meet people. I prefer to listen and see what people are about before opening up to them myself. I feel I've always been a good listener and I can usually read into what people say quite well. If I'm unsure how to judge something I'll usually try to say something humorously ambiguous because I'll either inadvertently 'hit the nail on the head' or make them laugh, giving me information about them either way. I'm reasonably introverted and often spend a significant amount of time on my own. I often imagine conversations I'm going to or might have almost obsessively. Trying out phrases with myself and gauging reactions or rehearsing responses to certain expected and unexpected questions. I'll also think of ways I can subtly steer a conversation towards something I want or have to say. I tend to predict correctly so it makes conversations quite easy to have but if it goes off to a completely unexpected route it can sometimes take a hit. Also, if someone just tries small talk with me I will shut off almost immediately. I absolutely deplore it. However, when it comes to being with friends and family I often think of "You can tell you're close with someone when you can enjoy their company in silence".
It sounds like you're confident in your interactions. While being present, writers also tend to see "the story" in a situation and, as you say, rehearse responses. I'm wondering if your statement that you "imagine conversations" feeds your writing, both analytical and creative. I don't imagine or rehearse conversations I might have, but if someone is silent (spousal unit perhaps), I might supply both sides of the conversation. (I think I'm kidding, but I might not be.)
Writing dialogue is difficult because you have to be really concise and on point compared to the often flabby nature of real human interaction. It's something I'm practicing though, along with my overuse of adjectives. I know what you mean about supplying both sides of the conversations. When you say something that you know they should have a response to yet they're silent, you often end up suggesting the answers you expect of them in order to pry them open. It doesn't often work though, haha.
I fall under the "shy" category. For the majority of my life, I've been like that girl. Well.. except that I'm male, not female. It seems like every conversation is like that. One word answers, maybe a few extras to pad it out. And when I finally can start talking and bring out the words, it's always some obscure topic that no one cares about. And they leave, never to speak to me again. It's awful. That's why I stay online. For some reason, I find it much easier to say stuff. I can just say what I want, and then it's left to the internet. As for relationships/dating... I haven't had much luck. I've only had three instances that are kind of similar. One was just a close friend. And the second was a fling at a school camp. Not really that great. The third one is kind of similar... I had an "online" girlfriend who I virtually/digitally married. In a game. We were kind of close though. Probably closer than I've been to most people I know. I've always kind of related to the timid shy girl stereotype. In fact, so much that I started to find things like love shyness. Searching around also brings up what some people call "male lesbianism" where you associate/feel female, but are physically male and wish to stay that way (and are attracted to females). Growing up, I thought that I'd like to date and be in a relationship with these types of people, but I soon recognized the people I was actually attracted to. Which is pretty much the exact opposite. The type of person who is outgoing and will drag you around if necessary. The guy in the story doesn't quite match that, and thus the awkward silences appear. Unfortunately, there aren't many girls like that. And looking at myself (compared to others) it's hard to see why anyone would pursue me. Which makes it all the more depressing. Unless they have and I'm just oblivious to it all. sigh.
Unless they have and I'm just oblivious to it all. sigh.
It's quite possible that they have and that you haven't noticed. I can envision that dialogue at a club, but you'll have to help me write it: Girl who will drag you around: Hey, do you like that band?
Oblivious boy: Yeah.
Girl...: I've heard them before.
Oblivious...: Silence. Then. Obscure topic that no one cares about. :
Something like that... Though, I don't really go to clubs. And discussion on music preferences and tastes is a common discussion between me and people I talk to... Sometimes I'll try and follow up. But everything just kind of falls flat and the discussion dies.
Following my posting of this blog, I had this e-versation with a friend. Lil: I'm sure it doesn't apply to you. Friend: Well, it actually does as I don't have, and never have had, the faintest idea of how to proceed in the situation described. There are many, many problems. One of which is that I'm incapable of learning through induction so the specific example in your blog entry of people saying things is of no use at all to me. I need a general principle to work deductively down to all possible specific cases from. Lil: But I keep meeting people who DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. Friend: Well, I don't know what to say to that...I'm slowly building a monologue on pencils for your edification and amusement...
I think there's some confusion between shyness and not knowing what to say (or choosing not to engage, for that matter). I'm not shy. However, I'm an introvert, and I often don't feel like talking to people. I especially don't like social situations where I'm around a lot of people whom I don't know (with exceptions being places like conferences, where I know that everybody is gathered around a topic, and it's easy to avoid talking about gas prices or the weather). I hate small talk, and I typically avoid it at all costs. I've been told I come off as anything from shy to bored to arrogant. In reality, I'm mostly just uncomfortable. Alternately, there are times when having something interesting to say just isn't there. Nobody is George Clooney in Out of Sight or Tom Cruise in Top Gun. Lack of wit is something that frustrates everybody, shy and unshy, male and female alike. We've all had the moment when we think of the right thing to say five minutes too late. It doesn't really matter though. As an old man (for the internet), the advice I'd give to any young people who want to know how to talk to girls is this: the thing women love to talk about more than anything is themselves. All you have to do is encourage them to talk (and actually be interested, don't just pretend), and they'll think you're a really nice guy. (Sorry, lil, and other female Hubski members. Not trying to generalize to make all women sound self absorbed, but I'm just speaking from personal experience. Everyone has a story to tell [some more interesting than others, to be sure], and it seems to make people feel good to have an ear to tell theirs to.)
The desire to talk about one's self is not unique to the fairer sex. Both men and women alike enjoy talking about themselves. You are right though, be attentive and actively listen and whether you're speaking to a man or a woman, they will be more likely to "like" you.
Fair enough, but knowing that men also like to talk about themselves will make those awkward functions where you don't know people less awkward. But then, as you know psychologically I'm in to dudes.
Similarly, all the women's dating advice books say to ask men to talk about themselves. Regardless of gender or gender preference, it's flattering and kind to take a genuine interest in another person and they are likely to respond well. That's the hard part for shy people - what to say, what to ask. I'd like to write a whole play of possible shy dialogues. (Note to self). In the conversation that led to my blog post, students were specifically asking me how to get a conversation going when they did want to engage. They were also very interested in knowing what to say at meetups with industry recruiters who were looking for interns. They might have an area of fascination or specialization, yet recruiters might be looking for something else, yet they still want to make a good impression. That's a post for another day. Note also - there are inter-cultural factors at play also. Most of my students are from continents far away.I hate small talk, and I avoid it at all costs.
I love that about you!the thing women love to talk about more than anything is themselves.
That's your experience I guess. I'm actually quite uncomfortable talking about myself. theadvancedapes was kindly grilling me on the topic all the way to Detroit. Bless (I mean bless in an atheistic way) his heart. In any event, I'm glad you've found a topic that works.
Similarly, all the women's dating advice books say to ask men to talk about themselves. Regardless of gender or gender preference, it's flattering and kind to take a genuine interest in another person and they are likely to respond well. Haha. Hopefully you and I will never find ourselves on a first date together. I think it would be horribly silent. Or maybe peacefully, magically silent. In that case, perhaps it would be perfect!I'm actually quite uncomfortable talking about myself...
Sounds wonderful. I've found myself caught in a situation the last few days where I am forced to sit and listen to 13 other people make uncomfortable small talk for hours at a stretch (in a jury sequester room; I would love to talk about it, but I can't yet legally do so, although I have been composing a Hubski post about the experience in my head). I am the one dude who brings a book (hooray for getting Blood Meridian read for Hubski book club!), and doesn't speak to anyone else. I think it weirds the rest of the people out, but I won't change my behavior just to not come off as weird or eccentric or disinterested. I don't know why people's mouths have to constantly be in motion to make them feel comfortable.