I asked this question in a private hubski message. Here's what _refugee_ said:
- What a question! It is hard to answer. In the short: I'd like a committed, quasi-long-term relationship with someone who makes me feel good - someone who is sweet to me, whose feelings I don't question, and who I can trust. I say this and yet I feel - aren't those like, the minimum qualifications for a good relationship? Is what I "need" so minimal? I want someone smart and funny and reasonably good-looking. I don't care what their job is really as long as they can pay their own bills, I don't need or care to be wined and dined. Sense of humor is paramount. Is there more to want? I'm not looking to get married now and I don't want to be with someone who IS looking for that. I want something relatively non-stressful. I want fun. I want a partner-in-crime.
I'm newly single, and if there's anything a break-up does, it's allow you to re-prioritize what you want in a partner. I don't like the idea of making a laundry list of specifications and requirements I want a chick to have, because there are so many different personality types out there and who wants to limit their options? But my main thing is: I want a girl who can act completely independent of me. Like, have her own thoughts. Make her own decisions. Do things on her own. Pursue her own passions. Without me. Dependance in a relationship isn't even a real relationship, I call that parasitism. That's an ugly thing and I'll bounce if I catch wind of that shit.
I'm not trying to burn you or wave a feminist flag or anything here, this is just what I consider good advice. Stop looking for a "girl" or a "chick" and start looking for a woman. If you are looking for "girls" and "chicks" your chances of finding an independent, thoughtful person who has money of her own so she doesn't have to spend yours goes up significantly. The moment I stumbled into a woman and left behind the gaggle of crazy girls I had always been with was the moment I met my wife.
People should STOP 'looking' for things in relationships. Not enough of us know what we're looking for in ourselves, and that can compound the complexity that comes with finding someone we want to spend time with. Take an honest stock of your positives and negatives. Embrace and accentuate the good things about yourself, and understand what needs to be worked on and actively work on them. You will be irresistible to others, because they will aspire to be what you are being. Oh, and get out of the house/office/grind more often. You never know what's just around the corner. Have fun, and you will meet someone accidentally.
Someone who is really thoughtful and aware. Spontaneous, surprising, sexy and enthusiastic. But really, I think it's silly to think you know exactly what you want. I think that's impossible. "We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.” - Kundera
I was told a long time ago that when you stop looking for a relationship, you'll find THE relationship.
When I took that to heart, I found my current girlfriend. We've been together a glorious four years and have been living together for a little over a year. To quote Bob Marley:
“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
thx ref. I'll answer this gradually. When I was 19, I wrote in my journal, "I want a man who will leave me alone." It doesn't sound very romantic, but it does sound a lot like what onehunna is talking about. -- Of course I want a lot more than that, but being left alone and what that means will take more time than I have at the moment.
I've never found a girl who would "leave me alone." I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts in this thread for some reason, but that (though it sounds somewhat insulting) is actually a very important part of a relationship to me. So how universal is this, I wonder?
I need to frame being "left alone" in a more positive way because being left alone in the way I mean it is so respectful, generous, and romantic. You've probably heard the word "assertiveness" and understand that it involves putting one's ideas forward. When I teach assertiveness, I pair it with assertively listening -- that is valuing the other person's assertions as equal to your own and drawing them out into fullness -- so that the other person's disagreement with you can be fully expressed. When I said at 19 that I wanted a partner who would leave me alone, I meant that I wanted a partner in whose presence I could find myself - When one's partner's personality barrages another, even the empty rooms of the relationship feel crowded. It's hard to glow when one is barraged. But we humans can be needy and sulky. We can be controlling and insecure. We can just be young and foolish. All these lead to a barraging personality. more to say...
I think I understand, but I meant it perhaps a tad more literally -- I like being in relationships where if we don't talk for 24 hours, it's not earth-shattering. Am I going to make an effort to interact in some way every day? Of course. If I don't or can't for some reason, it better not be an issue. That's sort of what I meant, but again it's hard to make it seem non-insulting or cavalier. And I know what you mean about relationships needing to have room for both personalities.
I left independence out of my list because frankly, I didn't think about it. But I agree with your assertion that it's necessary - SO necessary. I left my last long-term relationship because I felt like I was suffocating. Since then I've sometimes wondered if I am "too independent" for a relationship. I like not answering to anyone, not having to let anyone know what I'm doing or where I'm going if I feel like it. I like having time alone and not having to explain to anyone why I need time alone. I like being able to go out as much as I want to without feeling like someone else is going to give me trouble for it. If I were to feel like I didn't have those things, especially at the start of a relationship (where I feel you don't know each other well and shouldn't be spending too much time together, really) I think I would leave the relationship. Or end the dating. Right now, the main person I'm kind-of-dating - we've gone out five times in probably the past four months, and we've both bailed on each other when we haven't felt up to hanging out for whatever reason (I was sad one time, he had family stuff come up, stuff like that). I really like that we have that kind of comfort level - I can bail on you and you can bail on me and we can both understand it's not personal and we still like each other - and I hope (to a reasonable extent) it stays that way. Of course I'm not saying I want to be bailed on all the time...but sometimes, you set up plans, and then realize that's not really what you feel like doing that day after all. I like having that flexibility.
I know you're just generating conversation, so I hope it won't sound disrespectful if I disagree with the question. You know I love you lil. :) I don't worry much about what I want(ed) from the other person - rather, I spend my life focusing on what I can give to that person. Some might say "Oh no steve! that's codependence!" To them I reply, not if it goes both ways. Great relationships aren't 50/50. They're 100/100.
I didn't know you loved me. Unless you are the same steve as thenewgreen - I know he loves me. re. generating conversation - yeah, you caught me. Also, disagreeing with the question is absolutely respectful. I think the question "What are you looking for?" is a valid question; however, I think "what are you NOT looking for?" would be a more honest question and I think the answers have been more or less along those lines. We have a better idea of what we don't want than what we want. We don't know what amazingness the universe will bring us. I could never have imagined many of the people I have loved, never even conceived of looking for such a person.
I find your answer and the Bob Marley quote above from BLOB_CASTLE to be thought-provoking. thx.
I'm not the same steve... (and it chaps thenewgreen every day that I got the username first) but I still totally love your contributions to hubski! I thought more about my response - and you're right - your question still has a large value, and I was thinking of it in a different way.
Yup. Good find! -One of my favourite guys out there is the Quote Investigator. He's actually looked up a few things for me. So far he has done only one Bob Marley investigation "some people feel the rain, others just get wet" - maybe he's up for another.
The calabash pipe sealed the deal for me. We should get this man on the case.