Have you ever read or skimmed a self-help book? Which one?
This question can include ANY of the "for Dummies" books - although I'm particularly interested in pop psychology, communication, and leadership books.
Was it helpful?
How specifically?
In my case, three books come to mind immediately, although there might be more.
Self-help books, hmmm, such a general term which by definition is also an oxymoron. You are not helping yourself you are getting help from someone you assume is wiser than yourself. In the words of a wise prophet of old in response to his companion telling him that people go to a psychiatrist to talk about their problems, "Hasn't she got any mates?" Many of us read self-help books because we are too prideful to admit to our 'mates' that we could sure use their advice. Or maybe, you don't have enough 'mates' to consult. In which case, you should read 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie. Or, maybe you have chased away all your mates by acting a little crazy due to severe insomnia, in which case you should read 'Restful Sleep: The Complete Mind/Body Program for Overcoming Insomnia' by Deepak Chopra. Once rested, its time to reconcile with your mates, so read "Love Languages" by Gary Chapman to help you understand the differences in how people feel loved. Now that you are reunited with your mates, you may want to feed them at a joyful reunion but concerned about healthful eating, and wanting to surprise them all, you can find all you've ever wanted to know about nutrition, food, and cooking in the companion books "Let's Eat it Right" and "Let's Cook it Right" by Adelle Davis. Finally, after consulting your mates you've discovered that they know just as little as you do about the meaning of life in which case you should read 'The Bible' by many authors, under inspiration of God. All of the above have changed my life for the better. I'm extremely grateful to all of their authors for taking the time to share their wisdom with me. I skimmed them all, many times each. "He who walks with the wise, will grow wise." Proverbs 13:20
Thanks for your thoughts and welcome to Hubski. Let's Eat it Right was the Bible of food back in the 1970s. Dare I suspect that some older "mates" have joined hubski? I recall measuring out tablespoons of brewer's yeast and wheat germ and bone marrow (?) for the nutritional booster of raw egg and fruit juice in my first blender back in the day. I posed this question last week because 1) I've had some transformational insights due to "self-help" books. Particularly Co-Dependent No More which helped me see that the particular life situation I was in was typical of many people and not unique to me. Difficult Conversations helped me see my own responsibility in all the difficult conversations I found myself in. This had the powerful impact of reducing anger. Getting to Yes was also valuable in helping me understand good and bad ways of approaching conflict. 2) I ask my students to read a communication or leadership book and teach one concept to the class in an interactive workshop format. I was interested in seeing what books hubski might recommend. The Five Dysfunctions of a Team has been a very useful book for anyone working in groups. The key message of that book is that trust is essential for teams to be effective. The other four dysfunctions follow from absence of trust. mk says life is too interesting and too complex for self-help to be worthwhile
I would say the opposite - life is too interesting and complex for self-help and any other kind of help not to be worthwhile. As you and other writers here have said, there is no one answer -- there are many answers and the right book at the right time can sometimes be just what we need. At least it was for me.
Lil, thanks for the welcome! I'm so encouraged and excited to find this group of deep thinkers who are unwilling to 'hate' people with ideas different from their own, but rather to learn from them. That is why the question you asked seems perfectly suited to Hubski. Even if mk doesn't like self-help books - he obviously agrees that walking with the wise makes us wise. I'm thankful that you've shared your titles and reasons for appreciating them. I have a daughter that I think will benefit from Difficult Conversations. Your post reminds me that instructional books save time and help us to avoid 'reinventing the wheel'. If someone else has learned better ways of doing things, I'd rather learn from their mistakes than make my own.
Thanks! I'm hoping to forget about the mute button, and hoping that it is never necessary to remember it, though, thankful you have included it (is that like the fighter pilot's eject button?). Thank you for putting so much effort into creating Hubski!
Personally, I abhor them. I know that's an unusually strong stance, but I have a deep aversion to the industry. I find that most of their advice is just common sense wrapped in interesting anecdotes, and I feel that they can actually limit people by putting artifical boundaries on their thinking and definitions of success. IMHO literature and history has more than enough to offer in the realm of introspection and self-improvement, and self-help sells people short. I feel that people are often blind to the possibilites around them, and to the limits that they allow to be placed on their behavior, to those they place on themselves, and I think self-help books just perpetuate this type of thinking, even when they are obstensibly telling the reader to rebel. Worst of all, IMHO are those that provide formulae for viewing the world. What an awful way to simplify people and ignore the subtleties that give social interaction meaning and possibility. I hesitate to write this, as I understand that many people find them valuable. However, I just can't stomach the premise. IMHO life is too interesting and too complex for self-help to be worthwhile. I'm not saying that there isn't anything useful to be found in those books, but I think those qualities are wrapped in a premise of deception, one that both the author are reader suffer from. There's plenty of better ways to engage your world that will help you.
I'm with you, dude. I typically have a stack of books 4-5 high that I'm planning to read. God help me if I ever run out of actually interesting things to read and am forced to submit to the self help genre. With so much great stuff out there, who has the time?There's plenty of better ways to engage your world that will help you.
I agree with your statements, despite what I said about having read a few "self help" books. I opened my comment with the statement "Does the whole book change your life? No, probably never, unless you're extremely naive." So I agree, many people take them entirely wrong and put far too much faith into them. I don't believe people need to take the books as 100% fact and execute their teachines verbatim. I've done that ZERO times. Like you said, it's mostly common sense with some interesting anecdotes, but sometimes things are presented in a way that helps self reflect a bit, and ask yourself some hard questions that you would otherwise avoid or bury. That being said, I only read the ones I mentioned, and it was all over the period of about a year, haven't really read one since. It's not a genre I keep with or feel the need to keep up with. It was a time when I figured why not, and gave it a shot, and some of them were fun and interesting reads, regardless of being actually helpful or applicable in the real world. I think as long as you read them with the right mindset, they are harmless, but like you said, many dilute themselves when reading them and are too eagerly looking for that "silver bullet".
Yeah. Like I said, I hesitate to state my opinion, because I don't want it to be read as casting judgement on anyone that reads or has read them. It's really a personal philosophy, and if there's one thing I've learned, my personal philosophy is best applied to myself (I guess that might underpin some of my disdain for self-help). I would just strongly suggest that people reflect on their motivations for reading self-help, and what the books have provided. I have very strong opinions on some other things that I keep to myself for similar reasons. :) But, self-help can get me going, there are so many different roads of success, and IMO they suggest limitation.
Nah, nothing to worry about. It's not offending to state your opinion in the least! I understand how many feel about them, and it makes sense. I know because I felt the same way for awhile, and I STILL kind of look negatively on people who use them for the wrong purposes and think reading a book will change their life. When in reality, at most, it just might help them question themselves a little more and lead to more positive things. But in the end, they still have to be the one getting motivated and accomplishing their goals, the book will never make that happen. Ever. I was successful long before I read any self help books, and didn't read them for that reason. I was more curious in the motivational aspects, self assesment, and different philosphies presented in them. The whole idea of "questioning yourself". Some do recommend limitations, especially the faith based ones, and shitty ones like "The Secret". Most just spoke to assessing yourself, and what you want out of life, and some questions to ask yourself about how to get there. The only self help books I got anything out of, really, were the ones on Buddhism, and it's arguable if those are self help books, or books on philosophy, or beliefs in general. So I don't know if I really should count them as self help books, though I listed them because they were helpful. But like I said, I learned plenty about life and myself just from reading classic literature like Vonnegut and Fitzgerald for what it's worth. A similar argument could be had with people who seek therapy, or take medication, and one could argue that they should just figure it out for themselves like we always have in the past centuries of humanity before those things were even labeled as condtions or disorders. But some people need that help, they need that third party pointing out their flaws and problems, they need that little reminder that what they are doing isn't healthy, and they may look to that help in books, therapy, or medications as a last resort.hesitate to state my opinion, because I don't want it to be read as casting judgement on anyone that reads or has read them.
there are so many different roads of success, and IMO they suggest limitation.
I agree, but ideally, these should be done in a way specific for the patient's needs. Still, I do think that therapeutic interventions can sometimes turn counterproductive.A similar argument could be had with people who seek therapy, or take medication, and one could argue that they should just figure it out for themselves like we always have in the past centuries of humanity before those things were even labeled as condtions or disorders.
Thanks for replying! It's easy to get a hate-on for self-help books. What we really need is a Self-Help Guide Book to guide people past the simplistic formulae and into the mystery. (ha ha, just kidding) (kind of) (hmmmm Self-Help Books for Dummies? - I wonder if it's been written - probably) The interesting thing about most of the leadership and communication and management self-help books is that they all end up getting to the same awareness although through different paths using different terminology. (more on this later)
Wow. What you've said is absolutely spot on. I'm interested in what you think about raptitude.com. I've started following this guys blog recently and most of what he's said is really interesting. I feel it's less self help and more him carrying out experiments to improve the quality of his life. I guess my point is that is it good to read stuff like that or will it eventually have negative effects?
I've read a few raptitude posts. From the tone of his writing, it seems that he is mostly just sharing his own. However, the subtitle of Cain's blog: getting better at being human could be read as instructional. It could also be read as simply reflective, so I guess it depends on the reader's perspective. Since Cain promotes a minimalist, conscious-raising, zen-like approach to self-improvement, I find it much less offensive than those with instructions for fame and fortune. Even so, I just reponded to a raptitude post here (which made me remember this question), and in this case I think the strategy could work for some, but not others, although Cain doesn't suggest it. IMHO I suppose if you approach Raptitude as a source of new perspectives, it could be helpful. But there does seem to be an implicit buy-in there. In short, I guess it always depends on the reader.
Yes. Does the whole book change your life? No, probably never, unless you're extremely naive. But I've read plenty of self help books, and they do help. In almost every one I've read, there's always at least a couple of takeaways, or statements that make me think long and hard about my own life, and pinpoint what I'm doing wrong or right. I wasn't into them at first, but there was a period in my life where I was like "can't make things WORSE by reading some self help books", and I ended up being pleasantly surprised. To name a few on my shelf that are well known: -Think and Grow Rich. (Classic) -How to Win Friends and Influence People. (Classic) -The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. To name a few on my book shelf that are NOT well known: -The Power of Focus. -Optimal Thinking. -The Rules of Life. -The Power of Now. (I noticed TNG also mentioned this one) -The Wisdom of Insecurity (Alan Watts, Zen writer, and Zen approach to helping yourself, awesome.) -The Book (Alan Watts again, more Zen focused, awesome.) -The Way of Zen (Alan Watts again...) And plenty more that I don't have on my shelf that I read from the library. So, are any of these a silver bullet? No, not really, but they all had certain things that I took away from them, even if it was a single powerful quote that really struck home with me, it was worth it. I also find reading in general to be "self help". I've learned plenty about myself just from reading Vonnegut or F. Scott Fitzgerald books. But if I had to pick a few that had the biggest influence on me, I'd pick the Alan Watts books I mentioned. They are mostly books about Zen Buddhism, but at the same time I'd consider them self help books, because at the end of the day, they are about a "better" way to approach life and keep your thoughts focused. He really opened my eyes up to such a novel way of viewing and approaching life, that it has indeed changed my life and the way I live it.
What is it about Alan Watts' writing that interests you? I ask because a friend has been having . . . I think he's too young for a "mid-life crisis" but he's going through something. He's going bananas with yoga and all kinds of writings related to zen, particularly Alan Watts and who-knows-what-else, but it's gotten to the point where I've been thinking about my own experiences with Buddhism. I am hesitant to read the books he recommends though, because honestly, from the outside it looks like he's losing his mind.
Hah. Been there done that. People said the same thing about me around the time I started reading Watts, but it wasn't just Watts. I was lost and looking for some answers, somewhere in my early to mid twenties. I called it a "quarter life crisis". Turns out Watts didn't have any answers, but he told me there probably never will be any, and that I should just enjoy what's what, and that the answers aren't really important anyway... but in a much more eloquent and lengthy way. I started shaving my head around that time, meditating, and I even have a tiny shrine with a Buddha and a water dish and all that jazz. I had some friends who probably though I was losing it, but honestly I was "finding it". I'm not religious at all and consider myself agnostic, but Buddhism gives me something to kind of focus on, and help hone my thoughts and keep myself on the path that I want to be on.because honestly, from the outside it looks like he's losing his mind.
Hmm. I think I can understand that. My friend is 39 though, so maybe a "quarter life crisis." He seems really attached to the idea of no attachments, even though he just bought a house and is doing renovations himself. I don't know what it is about engineers, but the ones I know seem to think they can fix anything. If I've learned anything from him, it's not true. Anyway, his idea of no attachments results in him pissing a bunch of people off when he tells them not to care about what are to them, very real problems. This in turn, makes him feel alienated, or so he's said to me. In the interest of helping my buddy out, any ideas on any self-help type books that might help him appreciate the human tendency toward giving a shit about things?
Sounds like he might have taken Buddhism and Watts horribly wrong, lol. It has little to do with not caring. The only things you are not supposed to care about and really avoid are things that lead to pain and suffering, and those are entirely personal things that people need to assess for themselves. Watts is far from telling people off, or "not giving a fuck". It's more like "Give a fuck, but don't give a fuck about the future, give a fuck about the now, and the future will unfold good as a result". If anything it promotes kindness to all; friends, family, those in your community, and even strangers. If he's pissing people off, and read Watts, I'd say he misinterpreted it entirely and missed the points of his teachings, and those of Zen Buddhism. No attachments also isn't very Buddhist, sure, again, attachments that lead to pain and suffering need to be eliminated, but good attachments should be nurtured. Hobbies, your routines, your home, your family, your friends, etc. Things in your immediate present than are meaningful and bring rewards to your own life. I have no recommendations, because I think he would probably just interpret anything else helpful to suit his already odd attitude towards life and others. Nobody likes the "I don't give a fuck about anything" guy. More than likely he's that guy just pretending he doesn't care because he thinks not giving a fuck is cool... but it's not.Anyway, his idea of no attachments results in him pissing a bunch of people off when he tells them not to care about what are to them, very real problems.
In the interest of helping my buddy out, any ideas on any self-help type books that might help him appreciate the human tendency toward giving a shit about things?
Thanks for the list. I have a book called Focussing (in another city). I wonder if its the same book as The Power of Focus. I have a friend who was very much helped by the Seven Habits.
Dale Carnegie was right in 1936 and he's still right. Amazing book.
Tolle is very good for reducing anxiety (about the future) and despair (about the past). I'll have to dig out my Alan Watts... it's been a while since I read that -- but I remember agreeing with his perspective.
Hi Korey, I'm familiar with the colours theory. It's based on the Myers-Briggs theories. If it helped you understand that people are motivated differently and led you to listening better, I'm sold. That's exactly the way it should be used. People are different and it helps to have tools to understand these differences. Thanks for describing the impact it had on you so clearly. I'll be writing on my books this weekend.
Does Epictetus count? There are a lot of mnemonic books shelved in the self-help section of bookstores. I find the undeservedly condescending tone of them too irritating to actually read them, but the techniques they're teaching are legit. I'd point anyone interested to Frances Yates and Mary Carruthers instead though.
Trouble with brilliant and pithy statements is that their wisdom is the end goal, not the method. For example, Epictetus said, "The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best."
How do I turn this into a to-do list? 1. Ask myself whether my friends uplift me or make me feel worse. 2. Make a list of people I spend time with, our activities 3. Think of the people whose presence calls forth my best. That is, when I'm with them I feel smarter, braver, and more loving. anyway, you get the idea. I should turn Epictetus's sayings into a self-help book. Thanks for the pointer to Frances Yates. I'll take a look.Does Epictetus count?
Epictetus totally counts. Probably most self-help books just update the things he said. Marcus Aurelius too.
Pierre Hadot argued that the aphorisms were part of an exercise, reformulating their lessons over and over in different ways as a way to keep them fresh, so that it wasn't just the words they remembered. He was an ex-Jesuit and saw spiritual exercises everywhere in ancient philosophy though. He's well worth reading, he just goes to great lengths to find what he's looking for.Trouble with brilliant and pithy statements is that their wisdom is the end goal, not the method. For example, Epictetus said, "The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best." How do I turn this into a to-do list?
It's been done. Well, an attempt at reviving stoicism has, anyway. I was given Tad Brennan's book as a gift a couple of years ago, but haven't gotten around to reading it. Reddit was pretty excited about William Irving's for a while after an interview with him got posted. It looks like some of them maintained their interest.I should turn Epictetus's sayings into a self-help book.
I suppose they would have to be helpful to some people, right? How else could the number one most popular book ever be a self help book? The only "self-help" book that I've read that I can think of is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I enjoyed the read immensely and it was/is extremely helpful. I've also read the bible, which is the book I was referencing as the most popular. It too was helpful in many ways. This said, I've gained insight from any number of books, both fiction and non that would never be classified as "self-help."
Sure. I was sent to catholic school in HS and I spent a healthy amount of time contradicting and challenging my theology teachers. I was adamant that it was all a bunch of hogwash. It wasn't until I was 29 years old that I decided to take a year long bible study course to truly dive in to the text and study it without any mockery. The class was at a United Methodist church just a couple of doors down from the home I was living in. Every Tuesday night at 8pm a group of about 12 of us would meet to discuss the bible as we read through it chronologically. I learned a great deal about myself and I made some friendships that have been amazing. In short, what I learned from the bible is that the teachings of Christ would be a fantastic guide for anyone to adhere to in life. What I've also learned since is that any of the bigotry or fear-mongering that is done in the name of Christ, is done so only where ambiguity in the text exists. If people were to stick to the lessons of Christ that are obvious and non-subjective, we'd live in a much nicer world. In short, after reading the bible I developed a strong affection for Jesus Christ and his teachings and I am able to separate Christ from Christians. Two very different things. Often, on Hubski I will criticize christians for hypocrisy or attempting to push public policy based on religious precepts. I hope that this is never misconstrued as me criticizing Christ. I love Jesus Christ and his teachings. I am a fan of Jefferson's approach to the new Testament. I also use metaphors often when trying to convey complex ideas in both my personal and business life and I do think hearing Jesus' parables from a young age helped to instill this tactic in me. The bible can be a beautiful thing, especially the New Testament. It gets scary when people see it as an absolute directive, especially the OLD Testament. The New Testament, for believers, is supposed to be a new covenant between man and God. A new contract so to speak. Still, so many people use the Old Testament when it is convenient to pursue policies of fear and bigotry. These same type of people used it to pursue the policies of racism. I've actually spoken to someone that admits their father was a racist and used the bible to justify it and agrees that this was wrong. This same person now uses the bible to say that homosexuality is a sin. -The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. So, I have a greater ability to have discussions with religious people and know both sides of the argument and, more importantly, I am able to completely respect Christ while often having little regard for "christians." Hope that explains it. Kind of all over the place...