I tried doing a self-designed MDMA therapy session last Sunday- but I'm not Cumol, I'm just an idiot who once tried pushing MAPS at his university once when he was a psychology undergrad. I do not recommend trying something like this. Don't rationalize yourself into doing something like this without proper guidance. Some notes. =============== - I have vastly underestimated how depressed I was going to feel the days afterward. Maybe it was a lot easier for me to handle when I was still at 135 pounds instead of 200, or just younger in general. - I had been saving this dose of MDMA for about three years now. It's hard to keep something like this without romanticizing it in someway. In Milan Kundera's The Farewell Waltz there is a character named Jakub who keeps a poison pill on him because he believes that it is a right for a person to decide when they should end their own life (somewhat satirically). I've kept this dose on me because I joke to myself that it is a right for a person to decide when they should be happy (somewhat satirically). - I told my therapist last week that I was planning on doing this, and he strongly discouraged it. I did it anyway and just finished debriefing with him on it today. - I've spent the weekend reading and attempting to apply The Joy of Tidying Up to my room, anticipating the life changing effects of the trip. The hardest part was giving away a lot of books that decidedly, don't bring me any joy.. - I asked a friend to record and ask me questions and interview me. I had a list from the MAPS MDMA therapy guide, a bunch of notecards I wrote to ask myself, and my friend wanted to ask the 36 Questions to Fall In Love. - The trip? Heh. I'm still thinking about it. I have a snippet from the recording that I was about to share, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate- I am peaking and asking my interviewer if she wants to cuddle and talking about how I want to meet kleinbl00 for lunch. It's embarrassing as all hell. - Big note: I've decided that this will be my last piling onto pubski for pity purposes- a big (duhhh) insight that has come from my trip is that I tend to approach topics through my problems first, seeking conversations where I can rattle on about myself and get relief from my self-loathing. It's a terrible habit. I'm gonna try to journal these things instead.
I think through a year of hubskis and pubskis I've gone from working at a startup to NEET to starting an online literary journal to employed at an agency to freelance web designer bordering NEET. It's kind of a messy backstory, but I think burnout, ADHD, and internet addiction are the main themes? I did it because it felt like a good time to finally try it out. The days afterward were terrible. After the trip I slept for 12 hours, and the next day I couldn't bring myself to do anything but play Legend of Zelda BOTW for the whole day (which is kind of interesting, because I find gameplay in it intrinsically rewarding). The past three days not only have me fatigued and easily irritable, but also as if my ability to feel joy has been muted, instead only feeling states of relief from being not-hungry and not-bored. My original tripsitter was going to be an old friend from high school, but they couldn't make it. I asked someone else I had slight romantic intentions for to replace them, which may have been a bad idea. I'm pretty sure I would have asked both to cuddle. The craving for physical interaction while on MDMA is insane. In the recording, I compared the inability to cuddle to an extreme loneliness, almost feeling like a sunburn. Negative thoughts tend to spiral in that state though.
What does did you take? How "healthy" do you feel (more physical than mental)? The choice of a tripsitter is important. The denial of cuddling/hugging/touch on MDMA can spiral out into negative thoughts that can reinforce pre-existing anxiety. I figured you guys were in it romantically because you mentioned the 36 Questions to Fall In Love. Did she deny you any contact? Was it your first time on MDMA? Was it MDMA at all (did you use a test kit?)?
Oh man. Now I feel really bad about not being vigorous with it, haha. Hm. I don't remember the dose, because it was saved from my college years. I remember it being very strong having word from the person I got it from that it was pure. That's not the best, I know. My tripsitter was someone that I trusted, which was the most important thing to me. We're both very open and flippant about intentions, and we both knew going in that it wasn't a romantic sort of thing. We've also talked about the 36 questions before- they're just really good talking questions. She was professional about me wanting contact, gave hugs, but knew not to give me too much credit as an irrational actor. She handled me really well, and after the trip I was really embarrassed but she assured me today that I was fine. An aside, the cuddling thing, reminds me of this page from a manga that's kind of parallel to how I am right now. Oh, no, it was not my first MDMA at all. I believe I've taken it... 6-10 times in my life? I considered myself a psychonaut for a few years. How far does your interest go? The last thing, on reflection, is that there was this feeling of closure that I usually expect from MDMA, but it didn't come to me this time. It was the most disappointing aspect of the trip, I believe. I think it's because I wasn't successful in connecting my state of bliss to my current life. Note that this doesn't mean that the trip was a failure.
Sorry for the late response, I missed it somehow... weewooweewoo I know the feeling of wanting to be hugged very well. My first MDMA experience actually changed the way I hugged people for ever. I didn't notice it at first until my best friend from home said to me: "You hug for real now. What happened?". I embrace and go into full hugs more often now. Before I would do a quick greet hug without actually thinking that people need a proper "holding" hug. And I also found out I need those hugs too. A friend did a workshop at the burn and showed people how to hug more fully. Basically doing a heart-to-heart hug, adapting you body to the person you are hugging :) Good luck with your process. If you ever need to talk to someone from far away, let me know <3
Fishing season just ended, and it's starting to get dark before 10pm here. I haven't traveled this summer and would be totally down to do the opposite trip. Just let me know!