I always make the offer to split. However I’m not often taken up on it. I went on two first dates this week — at the first, the bar put us on the same tab (which I didn’t expect) so when the guy closed, both our drinks were on there. I offered to pay and we ended up agreed that I would buy us a round. This wasn’t even financially but honestly I think the guy was assumed he made more than I do (which maybe he did — he said he bought his truck in cash, which is pretty substantial after all) and also this is the guy with the gun who I suspect buys into more stereotypically masculine/feminine “norms” or tropes of behavior. On the other date we were on separate tabs. The guy did say he expected us to be on the same but I told him not to worry about it and offered to buy one of his two drinks.

What I would say is it seems typical for the guy to expect to pick up most of the tab for the first date. I think if that happens it’s good behavior of the counterpart to at least offer to contribute.

Insisting on 50/50 splitting the bill for every date is like the other side of the pendulum. For me such insistence would be a bit of a pinkish flag; unless you know you’re both in the exact same financial situation, a 50/50 split isn’t necessarily really fair, just equal.

I went on a match.com date earlier this year to a movie and we split with him buying tickets and me buying drinks and popcorn.

For me, I’m very financially comfortable and I don’t expect everyone I go on a date with to have that same comfort. I also feel uncomfortable expecting a man to pay for everything (because then I feel like there’s an unspoken sense of obligation). On the other hand a person who insisted dates be split rigidly 50/50 would probably make me feel a little uncomfortable too. I like the middle ground where I always offer to pay my part of the bill or part of the bill or where both of us are contributing to the date (like the movies example). I guess I would call that “splitting the bill in spirit without whipping out a calculator to do it.” In my experience, guys generally seem to prefer paying at least 50% of a bill to a majority — but I’ve had some bad luck with dating partners in that realm, aka some guys who seem insecure about money/a woman paying. I wouldn’t expect that to reflect actual social norms or I would hope it didn’t.

I do feel like the expectation should never be that the guy or masculine person is going to pay for the entire bill and a good standard of “being a decent person” behavior as the non-masculine person is to at minimum offer or make a token payment. For instance if the guy wanted to cover the dinner bill I’d say “here let me get the tip.” I don’t mind being treated and I’m not gonna fight a person who wants to treat me, but I’d never go on a date I couldn’t pay for. In the pat on rare occasions when I have, I’ve made my financial status clear to the person beforehand and we’ve agreed on who will pay and what activity we will do.

It’s honestly a super complex subject from my experience. I have definitely known guys who liked to always pay. To me that strikes me as an uncomfortable power imbalance I don’t want to be a part of.