This is my new blog. I want to make it a resource for other people with mental illness. But sometimes I also want to write 150 pages in a day, clean the whole apartment, make dinner, go to two support groups, do laundry and watch the 15 hour Berlin Alexanderplatz miniseries all before bed. So we'll see how much blogging I actually do.
Know what sucks about bipolar disorder? When you're up, it's so fun why would you treat it? And then you aren't treating it so you go down and take everyone you love with you. I've been depressed. I've never been manic. My mother? She's been institutionalized three times for mania. I had a social worker friend tell me that selfishness is a hallmark of bipolar disorder and it's not fair to blame my mother for being a selfish bitch. I told her that it's also not fair to expect me to interact with a person whose primary input into my life is injury and disappointment. All that to say: if this is what you're noticing about your mania, odds are good you've been dragging your family through abject hell. Cut that shit out.
I'm aware of these things and others. But when I feel good people think I'm doing good. I don't get full on manic. My step dad told me how good I sounded recently. After I told him I'd been up for somewhere in the 30-40 hour range. Then I crash and no one expects it or understands it. I didn't even notice hypomanic episodes until years later with retrospect. I'm sick of this shit too. But I've had to fight, often alone, for help and it's pretty awful.