It sounds like things are pretty rough, maybe you want to write about it? I'll read it and respond if you do. I've found in my own life that guilt or punishment rarely ever helps me accomplish things I want to do in life. It's much better to lean on support systems (friends, hobbies, etc) they are there to help you through. Also, I am sure you've accomplished a lot more than you're mind is willing to admit. Try to dig deep. We all are on this crazy rock together don't be afraid to ask for a hand.
Things are rough, I can't but admit. I have no friends to turn to, and all relationships I've had so far have been destructive and self-sabotaging. I firmly believe myself not to have achieved anything of importance so far, especially seeing how others have done a lot so far. I'm prone to being my own enemy, which is not something that's easy to fight alone, and my neediness makes me an unattractive person to spend time around - and I have no idea how to deal with it without some sort of a support. But things are getting better ever since the declaration I've made to myself. Things are more honest, and I have less and less incentive to hide away from what bothers me. Even on the bad days, as I binge over food and TV series, I'm more honest with and accepting of myself than ever. I've started making stuff happen: those I'm interested in slowly turn in m head from objects to gain affection from to real people with their own needs, desires and beautiful details about their lives. Things, in general, turn from stuff that I want to change to stuff I appreciate for its difference. I don't have support systems - which is what led me to this position in the first place - but I'm finding strength to do something about it. I'm making contact with other people instead of hiding away. I'm building up more and more stable workflows for things that matter to me, like writing and programming. I'm expressing myself in the blog instead of keeping things neatly echo-chambered - which has served me ill so far, and I no longer find it appealing, however strong the urges are. Thanks to the few things happening in my life, I'm starting to see world as a brighter picture - and perhaps, with time, I shall see it as an interactive piece rather than a static one, which will help me tremendously. You see, that's what my fucking problem is: I don't know how to do that without appearing a submissive slag, when is it appropriate, whom is it appropriate to ask - and so on ad infinitum. I still have a lot of things to learn, and so far, I have to do it on my own; I don't see how things should change if I ask for help: so far, it has only pushed people away. There's no guide to follow, no general rules to look up to, no code to honor that I know of. I know there are ways to do better, but I haven't encountered those ways yet, and I have no idea whom to ask for it. Perhaps I'll learn it someday, but right now it's just damn frustrating.We all are on this crazy rock together don't be afraid to ask for a hand.
I think you have a good head on your shoulders, and you should give yourself some credit. There are others who would admit to being smart, although they did not have any answers at all. I am glad to hear that there are some good things going on in your life. I am also glad to hear that the resolution you made has been helping you. For me, making those kind of resolutions makes them short lived and burn out fast. Here is what I ask when I think of how unimportant I am, maybe it will help you: Did I help someone who needed it recently? Because that's all it takes. Really that's it! If you ever feel unimportant do a small favor for someone. Helping others is a great way to realize your own potential. It doesn't have to be in a soup kitchen or money to a stranger. It can be as simple as helping a friend move, or helping your mom or dad clean the house. That is the important stuff. Those are REAL accomplishments. Here is one of my favorite quotes from Amy Poehler's "Yes, please" which I think might help your position: "Yes, please" really is a secret code that unlocks doors. Go ahead and try it. If it doesn't work, all you've lost was a couple of "No thank yous". Keep making posts and updating your progress I'd be happy to follow along! “It’s called Yes Please because it is the constant struggle and often the right answer. Can we figure out what we want, ask for it, and stop talking? Yes please. Is being vulnerable a power position? Yes please. Am I allowed to take up space? Yes please. Would you like to be left alone? Yes please. I love saying “yes” and I love saying “please.” Saying “yes” doesn’t mean I don’t know how to say no, and saying “please” doesn’t mean I am waiting for permission. “Yes please” sounds powerful and concise. It’s a response and a request. It is not about being a good girl; it is about being a real woman. It’s also a title I can tell my kids. I like when they say “Yes please” because most people are rude and nice manners are the secret keys to the universe.”
That's a really good advice. I should keep that in mind: a friend of mine might need it soon enough; maybe I might, too. As for New Year resolutions, I think you might find interesting what I've said about it in my blog. It easily applies to any moment in your life, as a matter of fact, as long as it excites you emotionally in some way. You know, it's funny how I caught myself thinking "Nah, my own hashtag wouldn't work" after reading your last sentence. Why not? Am I so much worse than, say, lil who has her own #thestateoflil (I think it is)? So - yeah, maybe I'll go for it, if I have something to talk about. I'll shout out to you if there's something interesting to look at. Thanks for cheering me up, pal. I appreciate it.
I realized at one point that there is no dignity and no achievement in complaining about reality never being perfect (which is what people believe to be "good enough" often enough). By pointing out how bad it is without producing a solution, I encourage others to do the same. This is not how we go forward as human beings or as humanity whole. Hell, it's not even that bad! "Oh, it never works" - but the idea does! It's the application that sucks, and it just happens to be something we're capable of improving. We measure our lives from a certain standpoint, when it really has to be measured from zero; from nothing. Compared to that: - we have food production and delivery system capable of sustaining billions of people; - most of us have clean water piped in and shit piped out without leaving stains or requiring work; - we have portable computers capable of introducing us to virtual realities on the fly and the international network to share our thoughts - and other important information - through. Isn't that bloody amazing? This is what we better remember at times when things seem dull. This coming from a life-long cynic and pessimist should tell you something.the cynicism of "Well nothing will ever be good enough, so I can't do anything"