Things are rough, I can't but admit. I have no friends to turn to, and all relationships I've had so far have been destructive and self-sabotaging. I firmly believe myself not to have achieved anything of importance so far, especially seeing how others have done a lot so far. I'm prone to being my own enemy, which is not something that's easy to fight alone, and my neediness makes me an unattractive person to spend time around - and I have no idea how to deal with it without some sort of a support.

But things are getting better ever since the declaration I've made to myself. Things are more honest, and I have less and less incentive to hide away from what bothers me. Even on the bad days, as I binge over food and TV series, I'm more honest with and accepting of myself than ever. I've started making stuff happen: those I'm interested in slowly turn in m head from objects to gain affection from to real people with their own needs, desires and beautiful details about their lives. Things, in general, turn from stuff that I want to change to stuff I appreciate for its difference.

I don't have support systems - which is what led me to this position in the first place - but I'm finding strength to do something about it. I'm making contact with other people instead of hiding away. I'm building up more and more stable workflows for things that matter to me, like writing and programming. I'm expressing myself in the blog instead of keeping things neatly echo-chambered - which has served me ill so far, and I no longer find it appealing, however strong the urges are. Thanks to the few things happening in my life, I'm starting to see world as a brighter picture - and perhaps, with time, I shall see it as an interactive piece rather than a static one, which will help me tremendously.

We all are on this crazy rock together don't be afraid to ask for a hand.

You see, that's what my fucking problem is: I don't know how to do that without appearing a submissive slag, when is it appropriate, whom is it appropriate to ask - and so on ad infinitum. I still have a lot of things to learn, and so far, I have to do it on my own; I don't see how things should change if I ask for help: so far, it has only pushed people away. There's no guide to follow, no general rules to look up to, no code to honor that I know of. I know there are ways to do better, but I haven't encountered those ways yet, and I have no idea whom to ask for it.

Perhaps I'll learn it someday, but right now it's just damn frustrating.