Perhaps this question is best saved for a post of it's own, but I'll ask here first to see if anything worthwhile comes of it. I hope this makes sense. Lil, in your opinion, is there anything we can do to avoid "contributing to [our] own sadness". I've been talking and thinking a lot about unrealistic expectations (in regards to new relationships, mostly) and I feel that there are some specific, minor things we can do to avoid specific minor circumstances. But overall, what things can people do to avoid this self-inflicted sadness or, at the very least, turn it into something somewhat positive? Is it simply a matter of reflecting on ourselves, our situation, and our surroundings to be more aware the next time around and try to inspire change in ourselves?
Hi Insom, sorry I didn't get to this sooner, but I think the community responses are good. Being sad, angry, disappointed, and frustrated are all part of life -- I subscribe to the theory that emotions evolved, along with the rest of evolution, to protect us. We learn not to touch the stove by burning our fingers. We learn not to fall in love with predators by getting burned. It's important to learn from our negative feelings. If I know someone is unreliable, but I let that person get my hopes up again and again, then I am not learning from my disappointment. Eventually we learn to protect our heart (as I've said before). It's much more fun to wildly follow our passions and hope that finally maybe this time, maybe this time we'll win. Sometimes it will work out too. We lose out on those wild coincidences when we learn to protect our heart. On the other hand, protecting our heart also opens up endless possibilities for wiser decisions.
How can we avoid contributing to our own sadness?
Look at those sadnesses and notice the times when you jumped in, head first, knowing full well that you were in the shallow end. Reflect on those times and learn from them. That's how we can avoid contributing to our own sadness.I've been talking and thinking a lot about unrealistic expectations (in regards to new relationships, mostly)
The essential cause of sadness and frustration boils down to two modes of thought. The first is "I want things to be different" (resisting) and the second is "I want things to stay the same" (Indulging). Strip back almost any thought in the brain to its essence, and it'll be one of those two. By doing this, we set ourselves up for inevitable sadness. Everything we experience is transient, including the experience itself. The first mode places you out of the moment and into the future, and second into the past. You're attaching yourself to feelings and experiences that don't exist, or wont exist in an unknown amount of time. Once you start practicing mindfulness you can learn to see your thoughts more clearly. You can catch yourself resisting or indulging certain thought patterns and then let them go without judgement. In essence, your last sentence is spot on. Through reflecting on ourselves in an objective way (as much as that is possible) we can become more aware of who we are and what we do. And with that new awareness becomes inevitable change for the better.
I can relate to the first point and can agree with the second. My newest habit is making a list of positive things that have happened that day, both in moments that I have spent with the girl that I am currently talking to, and in general. I have a habit of finding negativity in everything and everyone, including the small stuff, and I feel like this curbs some of that. Minor things like: "She makes hilarious jokes" and "I felt productive at work today." Someone on Hubski said something along the lines of "it's easier to attack things than defend them, unless that thing is Fort Knox", and I think that applies here as well. It's easy to get caught up in the shitty stuff, and being conscious of the awesome stuff makes me feel awesome.I've been talking and thinking a lot about unrealistic expectations (in regards to new relationships, mostly)
Is it simply a matter of reflecting on ourselves, our situation, and our surroundings to be more aware the next time around and try to inspire change in ourselves?
Relatedly, it is far easier to disprove a unilateral statement than to prove it. A single negative vs. an "all cases" scenario. It would not surprise me if these things are related. A single weak point in an argument or fortress is all it needs to fall, given a patient and sly opponent.
I think that positive thinking (instead of "I'm an idiot" think "I made a mistake and it's fixable," for instance) is one way we can do this. I also think that having an awareness of our own faults and flaws, and revising our expectations based on them, and our actions as well, can help. For instance, to revisit the topic of the bartender I like, I mentioned to my sister that one reason I'm worried about liking him is because it could ruin my bar/third place. My sister, ever succinct, said "Well ref, just don't be a bitch like usual." - The point being, I have my own flaws that contribute to poorly-ended relationships, and maybe if I approach this situation like an adult and set expectations for communication and adult-ness going in, I can avoid [some] fall-out if we were to date and things were to go south. I think having uncommunicated expectations that then, unsurprisingly, go unrealized, is a big factor with new relationships.