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comment by humanodon
humanodon  ·  3503 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: A short poem about a journey

Mind if I share some edits with you? Just some ideas, of course, not saying that this is what you were going for or what you envisioned, just something to think about.

   I got on the bus today: no timetable, no ticket
   No cheating  
   I'm tired of cheating

   No cut corners, no round trips, no stops
   No broken-glass promises, no
   Excuses

   Sitting on a bus when it hungers to life
   Is being inside the stomach of 
   A lurching beast

   I learned to focus on buildings,
   Then the forest sliding by in 
   Time with my heart

   I learned that if you let it
   A bus ride can grow
   Dreams

   And I learned to leave some dreams 
   Behind, waiting only
   In memory

   I learned the journey will never end 
   As long as I am still 
   Moving




user-inactivated  ·  3503 days ago  ·  link  ·  

-liked the switch to present tense in first stanza

-I don't like lurching beast as much because lurching is something buses actually do, if that makes sense

-like waiting in memory much more

-And the last stanza is a big improvement.

Cheers!

lil  ·  3503 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I am amazed. Rico, I want your sweaty palms all over my poem, if I ever write another one.

humanodon  ·  3503 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Aw Lil. Thanks!