Similar things happen to me. People tend to have a harsh reaction when I undermine their emotionally-charged beliefs with an effort to understand a situation. To me, it seems like two different ways of dealing with the negative emotions from a frustrating situation are at odds with each other. I've caught myself doing both. Fuming, "that guy is just a dumbass"-type rationalizations quickly patch me up and let me move on. Hatred is kind of cathartic. Maybe in your mom's case it was something positive, having faith in a system and emotional attachment to that faith. Like learning to love something after living with it so long. On the opposite side is trying to fit the situation into a bigger picture, really trying to understand why it's happened, and using that information to calm yourself somewhat. Understanding that people have habits, and aren't totally 100% in control of what they do. Or that an imperfect system that our society is based around could stand for improvement. I feel a great sense of calm when I rationalize things this way (or at least feel like I have). Almost...a smugness. I don't think you're an asshole. I do think the way you rationalized those situations brought you closer to the truth. But also to a disagreement with your people. Perhaps their reactions made you feel like an asshole because you brought a conflict where they thought there wouldn't be one.
This. I always hear (Because I'm in treatment for depression) life isn't all happy all the time, there will be conflicts. But then I also hear that I should go out of my way to avoid conflict, just be smooth and agreeable with all people, be 'pleasant' (I use quotes because someone being falsely agreeable with me I see as unpleasant.)Perhaps their reactions made you feel like an asshole because you brought a conflict where they thought there wouldn't be one.
Well, saying commands like "avoid conflict" or "engage people" is kind of worthless. The point is to develop your emotional intelligence to the point where you can distinguish between situations where you should keep your mouth shut and be supportive or perhaps swallow your pride, and those when you need to be heard. Emotional intelligence, so I'm told, is more common in leaders and correlates to life success better than traditional intelligence (e.g. problem solving capability). The key is to be sensitive to others whenever possible, even jerks who you don't think are worthy of your empathy. Everyone has a unique and unlikely story, and everyone who's in a bad mood has a history that has put them there. There are no directives about how to engage people that will work in life, because no two situations are the same.
Exactly! My mindful response to a stressor is what I stated above. If I can do something about it, do something about it and stop worrying. If I can't do anything about it, stop worrying. So when I see someone who is just stressing themselves (And me in the case of Ex 2) out, I can't fathom why they can't just let it go, it seems toxic as fuck.