Months after I had promised to share Chapter 1 of my novel, I am ready to share it. Please let me know what you guys think.
...the village of Kalyanipuram. The government announced today that it would be unveiling the flagship infrastructure project in a couple of weeks. What do you think Sri, is this...
Ashwin Ram lay on his back, struggling for breath. He turned to his cellphone.
...It's a great opportunity, Sam. Chennai's water troubles have been in the news ever since I can remember... Alarm snooze, Ashwin said. Sri's voice faded out. Ashwin rolled to his left, buried his face in his pillow and faded back to sleep
*
Now put your little hand in mine; there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb. Babe. I got you babe. I got you babe. That was Sonny and Cher with their 1965 hit, I Got You Babe. 1965 homies, a… Alarm off, Ashwin said, turning the radio off. Ashwin heaved himself out of bed and looked at the screen of his cellphone. 9:45 am.
Fuck.
Ashwin jumped out of bed, picking up the pack of cigarettes as he stood up. He shook the pack, empty. He picked up his phone, swiped around for a few seconds before selecting a podcast and pressing play. Hey there, this is Cinema Hour and we are your in-house cinephiles Rob and Jay. We have something different planned for you today, take over Jay. Thanks Rob, today we will be joined by Mike Fagan, critic, director, actor, podcaster, et cetera et cetera...
Ashwin disappeared into the bathroom. The thoughts of Cinema Hour’s in-house cinephiles filled the white spaces of his studio apartment as he got prepared for another Friday at work.
…Over twenty years ago, Joaquin Phoenix starred in Spike Jonze’s modern classic, Her, as a lonely writer who falls in love with his operating system, voiced expertly by Scarlett Johansson. Typical of Spike Jonze’s…
When he re-emerged from the bathroom, he walked up to the clothes cabinet next to his bed, picked out his clothes for the day and through repeated glances at his cellphone, rolled up the sleeves of his sky blue shirt, fought his way down the legs of his black trousers, and struggled into his argyle socks and vintage DMs. He took one final look at the screen of his cellphone – ten, fuck – before slipping it in the right pocket of his trousers, stuffing his wallet in the left, slinging his black satchel over his right shoulder, and plugging in his earphones. He slammed the door to his apartment shut; the apartment fell silent.
…Released in the same year, Ben Stiller’s film was initially met with a lukewarm response from critics who complained that it was too cutesy…
Ashwin jogged into his parking spot, jumped into his car, and slammed the door shut. He unplugged his earphones, placed his cellphone behind the steering wheel, and started the car. The car stereo leapt into action and his phone’s screen lit up.
25 minutes to Work
Slow-moving traffic on Jogeshwari-Vikhroli Link Road
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking Friday morning traffic jams. Ashwin drove out.
…based on a classic short story of the same name by James Thurber. The film deviated significantly from the story. Like fellow winter release, Her, Walter Mitty represented Hollywood’s attempt to recalibrate its understanding of technology’s power to dehumanise to the age of artificial…
Ashwin’s phone buzzed.
Call from Singh
He tapped the screen.
Oye Ashu. Oye, what’s up. At work? No, driving there. Late? Yeah. Listen, tonight, scene at my place, Arun and Sunayna will probably be there quite early, Arun’s not going to work either. Sunayna’s in town? Yeah. Listen, Singh said, I’ll be at home all day, so – Yeah, sounds good, I’ll let you know when I’m off work, should be done on time. Sure, sure, you sound like you’re in a hurry? Yeah, dude, I’m pretty fucking late. Oh, god, (nervous laugh), ok, cheers then. Cheers.
…the winter of 2013-14. You have to remember, Jay, that that was the precursor to our times. The zeitgeist then was very similar to…
Ashwin's phone buzzed again.
Call from Boss
Shit. He honked, fuck, fuck, and tapped the screen.
Yea Joe. Ashwin, I need you to get the reports I asked for by noon. Yea Joe, that can be done. I won't be coming in until one today, so if I could see that in my mailbox for review before then, that would be great, I trust you have started. Yessir I have. Mona says you aren't in yet? Traffic Joe, you know how it is. Hmm. (Silence). Great, I'll look forward to seeing the reports by twelve. Yea Joe, you'll have it by then. Thanks Ashwin, bye. Bye.
Mona says you aren't in yet, Ashwin said, mimicking Joe's lazy baritone, thanks Ashwin, bye. Ashwin drove into the traffic jam he was worried about, glancing out of the window, then the windshield, then back out of the window.
...join Mike on his podcast where this week he'll discuss cinema cliches: from the mind-opening gay bar experience, to the nobility of poverty. Heavy stuff you've got there, Mike...
Between jerks of the car, Ashwin saw a hoarding by the road.
Feeling down? It's not your fault. Get help. Call 1800-438-4357 now.
...for this week's edition of Cinema Hour. Next week, we'll get back to standard operating procedure with a strange little film from India, Fight Maar, and Hollywood's big releases, before discussing the history of protest in film with our secret special guest. Goodbye.
Ashwin's phone stared blankly at him as he struggled to manoeuvre past traffic.
10 minutes to Work Slow-moving traffic on Jogeshwari-Vikhroli Link Road
Play next, Ashwin said.
This is Radio Buzz with the Week in Focus. This week, it's Ari Durent with the latest in Deep House Revival....
Stop, news, search archived, Kalyanipuram, Ashwin said. News items loaded on the screen. Sort by earliest, read news.
Artificial Lake to End Chennai’s Water Woes? Vishnu Varma | HTN
Chennai: The Government of Tamil Nadu has announced plans to construct an artificial lake on a site 100 km away from Chennai in an attempt to fulfil the city’s steadily growing water needs. The lake will be constructed on a site that was once in the village of Kalyanipuram…
Ashwin was sixteen when he learnt of the planned inundation of his father’s birthplace. At the time, he had never visited Kalyanipuram, and was certain that no-one in his family had since his great-grandfather died there twenty-odd years after the birth of Ashwin’s father. When his father returned there with his family a few months after the news broke, Ashwin found himself confronted, for the first time, with the land he was told drove his great-grandfather insane.
…Kalyanipuram, is one of many villages in Tamil Nadu that have gradually ‘died out’ due to mass migration to nearby cities. It is believed that this migration is one of the primary reasons for Chennai’s water shortage… In the black-and-white history of the paternal line of Ashwin’s family tree, the tale of his great-grandfather was a black one. When he died in Kalyanipuram, returning from the temple in which he had spent much of the previous five years, it was discovered that he had bequeathed all of the family’s meagre estate to the temple. Attached to the will was a note in Tamil that when translated read: “That which man covets as his, is not.”
…The construction of this lake is unlikely to draw protests from organizations such as Gaon Bachao Andolan (GBA) and Tamil Nadu’s own Namma Graamam Namma Veetu (NGNV), due to increasing concerns over the insufficiency of Chennai’s water supply and Kalyanipuram’s status as a dead village. In a rare display of bipartisan support for the move, members of both the ruling party and the opposition formed a…
Every Indian family has at least one story of madness to serve as a cautionary tale to eccentrics who are perceived to have lost their way. This posthumous affront sealed KG Ravichandran’s reputation as the family madman. His story was passed on from mother to son and son to grandson in the same oral tradition that had kept stories of god-kings and demon-kings alive for millennia.
...End of news story. Read next?
Yes, Ashwin said as he sat motionless in traffic, staring out of his windshield at the traffic light in front of him.
60 59 58
The Lost Lives of Kalyanipuram Sunayna Varma | HTN
Stop, open podcasts, play.
Hey guys. It's me, Ari, with the latest in the world of Deep House. Exciting month, with the release of dubbb's latest single, Charmed. Great track, with an appearance from rock stalwart...
Ashwin glanced at his cellphone. 10:36 am. Ashwin looked out of his window as red turned to green and sped away to the pounding beats of dubbb's Charmed.
Okay, so I read this, went for a shower, then read it again, here are my thoughts. To treat this as fairly as possibly I considered it like any other book. If it was a sample I had just download on my Kindle, would I buy the rest of the book and read on? The answer was no. Here's why: 1. Too much meaningless content. The snippets of the film podcast do absolutely nothing, as far as I can tell. They're written well enough and sound legitimate, but I can't seem to figure out any relevance from them. Ashwin even just nonchalantly throws it out his mind after it's done. No thoughts, no meaning. I get that you're trying to set an atmosphere but to me this seemed too invasive. That kind of thing might work in a screenplay, where the podcast dialogue can be the background, perhaps even muffled, whilst the main actions appear on screen. However, in writing whatever you present to reader, even if it's a background detail, is placed in the forefront of attention for however long you talk about it. You spent about two hundred words essentially telling us that Ashwin is listening to a film podcast. When it moves on to the news about the artificial lake and the deserted village it's fine because it seems important and relevant to the character. This is chiefly because you then build upon it and relate it to Ashwin, even offering some of his thoughts/experience on it. If you read something in your story that can be completely removed without any meaning really being lost, greatly consider whether it should there at all. 2. Poor formatting. The formatting of the speech is really not good. You start speech in the middle of a descriptive paragraph, using no quotation marks. You have two different characters dialogue mixed up in the same paragraph, again not differentiated with any of the appropriate punctuation. This means that as a reader I have to spend extra time and attention to deciphering what is speech, who's saying it and whether it's speech at all. This takes me completely out the story. Read up about formatting speech: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/ Those are pretty much the two biggest barriers I can spot. To end it on a positive note I can confirm that you managed to build up some pictures in my mind and you managed to get me to read to the end, which is no mean feat. Keep it up!
Thanks for your feedback. I get what you mean with both of your observations. I'll take a good hard look at my manuscript and see if I can combine what I had intended to do with the bits that you highlighted with your suggestions. Thanks for the link. I'll have a look. Edit: I also seemed to have messed up a few double enters here and there.
I'm really sad.
Please do not use "Fuck" or any cursing word in your writing ever. Your character dont sound edgy, and nothing say "I'm a 20-something white male from middle class aspirant writer" like using the word "Fuck". Do not use it. Even when people are actually fucking. Good luck with your writings. Never stop.
Hey ooli, thanks for the feedback. Not quite sure I agree a hundred percent, though. I mean, I do get where you're coming from, but is it that much of a put-off? I'm trying to stay true to the way a certain demographic speaks, the way they behave, the way they live. Yes, I know that's the excuse most of the guys in the demographic you describe give, but isn't there some truth in it? Once again, thanks for your feedback and I'd love to hear what you have to say about this.
I don't think that you need to be as cutthroat as ooli suggests. If it reflects your character and it's something you reckon your demographic will identify with then go ahead. However, use carefully and sparingly as over-saturation of any words or techniques can often cause writing to sound cheap. Swear words represent a reasonably thin band of emotions so keep that in mind too. For example: Okay, we get that he's angered by the traffic. But I don't think I've ever heard someone actually speak like that. One would've sufficed. A swearword is very much a short cut to showing an emotion. This can sometimes have a great impact or it can make your writing seem lazy. Judge accordingly.Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking Friday morning traffic jams.