ON HOW I'VE BEEN, PART TWO,

or WHAT'S NEXT FOR HUBSKI'S FAVORITE BAD BOY

Despite all my worries, Georgia has been welcoming to me. Older Georgians (those born in the Soviet Union) spoke Russian to me no problem, and with the rest of them I got by with English. There were a few anti-Russia graffiti and stickers here and there (something something "we don't want Russians here, even the good ones"), but overall, it was a great place to spend some time in. I would absolutely like to visit the country again at some point in the future.

But my stay there was short: there were documents I had to collect for the work permit (the part of the process Jerome had to organize on his/Belgium's side) which I could only get in Russia. By late April, Putin's three-day war was starting its third month, so Jerome and I figured it would be better if I were to stay in Russia until I can go to Brussels.

(If my storytelling around Georgia seems bland, it is assuredly not because my experience was such: it's simply because I've told about my observations about a dozen times now. The country and its people had a lot to tell me without ever saying anything to me. The streets of the Old City area of Tbilisi are beautiful, the views from the mountain are breathtaking, you can get Georgian street food on basically every corner... Nevermind the strong support for Ukraine, including from people I could identify as Russians.)

So I went to Saint Petersburg: one of the major cities in Russia where I could both get the medical certificate necessary (from the American Medical Clinic, of all places: a coincidence which tickled me in all the right places) and apply for a visa after the permit would've been issued (via the Belgian consulate).

And then... things slow down for two and a half months. I have no more documents to get, so all Jerome and I have left to do is wait for the decision from the government of the Brussels-Capital Region. (You have to apply to the region where you seek to be employed in Belgium, since 2019.) So I just kept taking long walks about the city, and working on my personal projects in-between those.

(I thought 2022 would be a special year for me, I just felt it, so I started writing a small-time magazine about New York City for the Russian-speaking segment of the Internet. I'm still very proud of the magazine, though the fucking timing jesus christ)

So right now, I'm waiting for the permit to be finally issued "tomorrow" (a week ago). The catch is: the consulate can only issue long-term visas (which a work visa counts as) and only if the recepient aims to get into Belgium before September the 15th.

(Long story short: Russia had spies in the Russian Embassy in Belgium. Belgium expelled those. Russia retaliated with the same, on their side. So now, the Belgian embassy and the consulates around Russia are understaffed and cannot process short-term visas – e.g. tourist visas – and had to put a time limit on processing of even long-term visas until a brighter future settles in.)

All we have to do is pray that the "tomorrow" the Brussels government'd promised us is not two weeks from now.

ON HOW I'VE BEEN, PART ONE

Long story short: after leaving the uni, I've been in a rut for a long while. No prospects within reach, surrounded by a toxic family, doing nothing much at all. I've been perpetually exhausted, emotionally and creatively, and the rare glimpses of a promising new project broke down one after another – because it's easy to light a spark, but it takes effort to keep the fire going.

I thought my big break would come after I'd met Jerome, on another small Internet forum. I've been low-key advertising myself there, trying to find some way to provide for myself. Jerome gave me a set of freelance jobs, with a prospect of off-contract consistent work in the same area in the future: jobs that were relatively simple and technically within my skillset, but also either not exciting at all, outside of my expertise (like describing in captivating detail what a "data lake" is), or downright draining (like writing marketing drivel in order to promote the company's experience to the potential client).

Jerome paid me my first real money for a freelance gig, enough for me to buy myself an IKEA computer chair that cut a good balance between quality and price – and still have enough to keep myself fed for a month afterwards. Still, I flunked out eventually: while the money was good, I simply didn't have the energy to keep at it. After than, it was same shit, different day.

Then, the war happened.

Up until then, like many Russians, I tried to stay out of politics. You stay quiet about the shit that the government continuously subjects its people to, and you get to breathe a little, you know? Maybe also not get beaten and tortured by the police. After the war, I just couldn't sit there and watch the absolute bullshit happen around me. So, that same day or the day after, I reached out to Jerome – we haven't exchanged a word in months at that point – asking if he knew anyone willing to take in a Russian nobody for a job.

Long story short: after a short while, Jerome promised me an on-premise job at a VR arcade he had vague plans for before, in Brussels, Belgium. It took me about a month to get a passport. After that, Jerome and I figured it would be best to stay over in Georgia until he can set up all the organizational stuff on his end. A lot of Russians had settled in Tbilisi, Georgia, after the war broke out, even though (1) Georgians were still pissed at Russians for the 2008 war, (2) all of Georgia stood firmly with Ukraine. I figured it's the better place to be.

ON WHAT THINGS ARE LIKE IN RUSSIA RIGHT NOW

If you read the Western sources alone, you'd be excused for thinking nothing's really happening here. It's like there is no war at all. People are partying, people are living their lives, going to work, raising children etc..

And on the surface, it's true. Plus, it's a convenient story to tell about a nation that has already shot itself in the foot, in the eyes of the international community. But it would be myopic to suggest that this is the entire picture.

To be clear: I don't follow state-sponsored or -owned channels. (In Russia, they're the same thing. Opposition to the opinion of the state has been thoroughly suppressed since the start of the war, and it hasn't been all that healthy before.) But I do read a lot of Western coverage, including that by other Russians, and I also see what's happening around me. Consider this the level of informedness.

Back when the war's started, I kept seeing a lot of zwastikas (the pro-Russia/pro-war capital-Z) in my hometown in Siberia. It's a relatively poor, relatively small city (of about 500k pop), so it's not all that surprising it stood behind Putin and his stupid fuckin' endeavor into genocide and international humiliation. (How is it even fuckin' possible to have both on the same achievement card?)

I vividly remember looking for ways to express my anger in subterfuge or public damage. I wanted to put a rock through every fucking Z I'd seen, without a single fuck about who or what was presently behind it. (There were a lot of Z's on public transport.) The only thing that kept me from doing something was the promise of a job far, far away, where I won't have to deal with that shit anymore.

Even in the early days of the invasion, prices spiked ten, twenty, thirty percent, even in the middle of Siberia. You'd think that's not something you can dismiss as a citizen of a major country: you'd think Russians would start asking questions. But this notion hides the two truths about Russia that most Western observers either don't notice or overlook on purpose, as a way to push Russians to "do better":

First: Russia (in whatever historical shape) has never been a democracy. Its people have been perpetually abused into submission – a generational trauma of tremendous proportions – and could not all of a sudden stand up and take pride in themselves. (There are protests, of course, but the protesters are arrested, beaten, abused, traumatized, and tortured. Putin's made a big deal out of showing how much of a grip he has on the throat of the country.)

Second: Russians are a nature of survivors. They persevere the adversity, rather than seek to ameliorate the conditions of their livelihood, because that's what they're conditioned to do. Harsh geographical conditions tend to give a people that sort of a mentality. In this case, it's easier to keep your head down and not rock the boat too much, and maybe you get to bring a loaf of bread to the table one more day. Like many a thing about national psychology, it's a multifaceted aspect of a nation's "personality": it presents itself both good things and bad.

Saint Petersburg, by contrast, is a much more liberal city, one where you can't plaster citizens with zwastikas and posters of "military heroes" (without ever specifying what their "heroics" were) and expect things to go smoothly. You still see these propaganda moments here and there, but they're exceedingly rare for a such a large, populous city. You'd think there would be something at every other corner. I think that, for every pro-war symbol, so far I've seen one anti-war/pro-Ukraine symbol here. It's still not a great ratio, but it's miles better than I would expect from the Western coverage alone.

(Highlights include:

— a young woman wearing a Nuclear Disarmament/peace symbol, where the semi-circles on each side of the middle line are colored yellow-and-blue, as in the Ukrainian flag

— "What can be better than fresh water?" (a local anti-alcohol campaign); written just underneath, in red: "REVOLUTION"

— a "military hero" poster, with "MURDERER" written in the same red across his face

— in black ink, on the side of an apartment building: "While you were staying apolitical, millions of people died in Mariupol")

The propaganda machine keeps working its magic, of course. Ever wanted to buy a G-string with a Z printed on it? Now you can! Mmm, sexy sexy warcrimes!..

(Can you tell by this bitter humor how fucking pissed I am at all of this bullshit?)

People are clearly worried. All of that above is not even quarter of what's going on. Zwastikas are getting defaced, destroyed, and otherwise desecrated. Military commissariats (where men report to for conscription or to sign a contract) are getting set aflame all over the country. The protests, of course. Conversations take a very different tone now. All in all, you can never really trust anyone unless you know them well in this climate (but people of liberal ideals tend to stick to the same, in my personal experience).

A single personal example I can give you is my sister. (Technically she's my... cousin? The daughter of my mother's sister. She's only ever been like a sister to me, so whatever.) She's ten years older than me, and is married to the father of her son. (The kid's three years old.) Despite being a more liberal member of the family, she clearly believes all the bullshit the state media promote. She thinks that Putin did the right thing for attacking Ukraine 'cause otherwise they would've attacked first.

Why? Because she's scared. She has a son and a husband, both of whom she loves. They have nowhere else to go: the man has a job at an IT department of a large comms provider, a position you can't exactly do remotely. They can just afford having some goals in life, like setting the kid up for a good school and having a dacha. You don't just uproot and fuck off, at least not from her perspective.

And that's a whole lot of people in Russia right now. Nowhere to go, no prospects of leaving any time soon, so either you double down on the mental defences (and hopefully don't go mad) or you double down on the bullshit you're being fed by the spoonful.

I can't sympathize with my sister's outlook, but I can certainly empathize with it.

(Of note is the fact that her husband, the hard-working and caring man that he is, is also a big fan of the fictional Rus': a historical grouping of Eastern Slavic ethne from the Medieval period, stuffed with magic and Slavic pagan deities. It is of note because this image has been appropriated by the Slavic neo-Nazi groups, including the Wagner PMC. Before the war, it was just a local taste of the fantasy genre.

I'm not saying the man is a Nazi, but it's hard not to draw some conclusions right now. He does, however, see his son's future as being in the Russian Armed Forces. I'm not all the confident he'd consulted the three-year-old boy on that one.)

ON HOW I'VE BEEN, PART THREE,

or HOW THINGS ARE RIGHT NOW

I suppose I should clarify the state of things in general on my end.

I'm well. Jerome, in his infinite generosity, has been taking care of me financially all the way through these mad six months. (Another friend of mine, from the US, has been instrumental to the success of this whole affair as well. Without them, I would likely be permanently stuck in Russia to begin with.) I'm not struggling for anything, which has been an incredible relief opposite the previous years of depression and minimal income. I'm not swimming in money, but I no longer need to worry whether I can put food on my table by the end of the week.

I've been able to engage in several of my personal projects. None of which can make me any money (as was the goal I've been chasing for years), but I enjoy working on them, and that's crucial.

I have one Russian-language magazine about New York in production for over half a year, and another about the US in general to begin soon. Both feature long-reads about a particular subject: 30 minutes or more per issue, because it turns out I don't like editing out cool stuff I'd learned during research. The first magazine has 100+ subs already, and even two patrons.

I've also been working on some of the fiction: popular tropes critique, and a (planned) episodic series. (All in Russian because, up until this point, I'd given up trying to reach an international audience in English and started focusing on the segment where I'd already started picking up momentum. what fucking timing eh)

Honestly, I'm pretty sure the full-time job is going to be boring. It's probably gonna be exhausting. But at this stage, I'll take anything short of licking someone's boots clean, and this might just be good enough to start something. I have a somewhat-lofty goal of celebrating the 2023 → 2024 New Year in New York, and this might just get me there. Doesn't pay a whole lot, but then it's not a tiny paycheck either. Just hoping that my Russian passport is not going to lock me the fuck down, ultimately.

Welcome back dude. I rummaged through reddit to reply once upon a time and found the account deactivated. Sorry I went dark in our conversation!

Life does like throwing curveballs, doesn't it? The sure way to make life throw you a curveball is to make a plan... then BANG! Curveball.

So... any chance you could rent the house out? You and your girlfriend could relocate somewhere else, make enough on renting the house to pay the mortgage, and try settling somewhere else?

Then, if things don't work out (and even if they do!) you still have the equity and home to leverage or return to.

I hear ya on the food thing... ever since I did the keto diet and lost 40lbs several years ago, I've been very thoughtful about my food. Almost nothing comes in a package; everything is fresh from the meat market or produce stand. Portion size is about 1/3 to 1/4 of what a plate at a restaurant contains, and I am comfortable, happy, sated, and eating delicious food.

But this bout of ennui recently has me going back to old comfort foods from years gone by. Pizza. Burger King. Taco Bell. Big hoagie style sandwiches. Grocery store deli shit. Etc.

And I feel like crap. Sure, the food has some sort of sensory tastiness (or nostalgia) that is good at the moment ... but then the heartburn kicks in. Or my "regularity" is adversely effected. My energy levels are down, because none of that is "food" or quality calories to keep my body (and mind) powered.

My Dad's Alzheimers and old age (86) have basically robbed him of any real sense of taste, so he's down to basically being able to sense sweet and salty, and that's about it. So when we were at the park the other day and there was a desert food truck, I figured we'd get an ice cream or something.

Turns out dude was selling a scoop of cookie dough with a scoop of ice cream on top of it, covered with chocolate chips.

Dad and I had one.

I was up all night, sick and sugar buzzing, unable to sleep or puke... but just be miserable the whole night. Previously, if I wanted something sweet, I'd literally break off a SINGLE SQUARE of a super fine chocolate bar, and nibble that thing for the length of an entire TV show. To have such a sugar bomb all at once was ... destroying. Blech.

Food is important, man. So important. Gotta give the body the right fuel to operate, or shits just not gonna go right... but there's the social element that is so important...!

I would prioritize this lateral move above all else. Execute as quickly as possible.

You are currently a problem she needs to solve. You will become an enemy she needs to destroy faster than you think. As soon as she's had time to figure out how to skunk you with minimal blowback to yourself, she'll do it. You getting out from under her in as prompt a manner as possible will burnish your reputation and harm hers; you're going to want to be in a position to give two weeks' notice as quickly as possible because she'll reject it if she can.

The clock is ticking down and your peril increases.