This blog is dedicated to humanodon. We were having a chat in Boston about a major turn-around in his ESL classrooms.
He said, "As teachers, if we walk in the room frustrated with our students, then they'll pick up on that vibe and they'll start to become frustrated too. If we enter the room positively, with an attitude of collaboration and flexibility, students will understand that they should also be reacting in this way." He referred to a way of being called resonant leadership.
I remember as a kid a friend of mine took me aside at 5th grade camp, obviously distraught and asked me the question, "Steve, am I an asshole?" My response was "well, you can have a really bad attitude sometimes and well... yes, you can be a real asshole." I gave some specifics and I think he genuinely tried to be a nicer person. We are still friends to this day, and he is still an asshole.
As I grow older, I've become aware of a potential I have to be obtuse or too intense. It's not in malice, but I realize that sometimes people around me don't feel as relaxed as they might if I weren't in the mix. I've concluded that I can adjust myself a bit, and try to be aware of it, but to a large extent, it's who I am. Not everyone will appreciate me as much as I might hope.
ha ha ha -- funny you should say that. I've noticed over the last several months that you've been projecting more attitude on hubski than in earlier days. I honestly do not have time to verify this and since you don't care, it doesn't matter. I am, nonetheless, very very impressed with your ability to finish books. You deserve to be elitist.
Posted my other comment before reading yours... uh oh. Trends forming. Anyway lil I haven't read your post yet just the bit you wrote up there and mknod's reply, but I will come back to it soon. EDIT: okay I just read it now actually and I don't think that's what I meant by attitude (or I assumed a different definition upon reading your title) -- I think everyone has some sort of attitude, first of all, and the vast majority don't manifest themselves as 'anger', although the two words are sort of linked ... "attitude problems" etc. Blame kindergarten probably. EDIT2: I once said on hubski that I approach most conversations with the assumption that the other party knows more than I do about the topic. It's right more often that not; I'm young. Unfortunately in my daily life through some sort of self-defense I do the exact opposite. That's my "attitude." With a handful of exceptions, it's correct ... but a bit hopeless in terms of conversations. However the alternative is to subject myself willingly to mostly boring stupid interactions forever.
Yeah, everybody has attitude. I think "having attitude" though is generally defined negatively. If you have a good attitude, they stick the word good in front. Note: Teacher to Parent: Your son seems to have a lot of attitude. vs Teacher to Parent: Your son has a good attitude. I don't want to set up false expectations. I'm happy to change the titles.
am struggling to conveyI think "having attitude" though is generally defined negatively.
not in say competitive sports, or maybe some situation you read about where someone who was raised by a single mom, gangs, coke, worked his way through college etc and was able to do this because of the "chip on their shoulder" (wonderful idiom) -- synonym for attitude but often complimentary.
I have this problem. I do have an attitude. I've been told that some of the people at work are scared to talk to me, in fact my wife tells me almost everyday that she thinks I'm always angry. But here is the thing, I am almost never unhappy. I never yell or demean people, I try very hard to communicate empathy and understand things from other people's point of view. Yet I am still stuck with this label. I really think it's my facial expressions people are picking up on because that's what my wife tells me. "You look so angry" "Why are you mad?" "Is there something wrong?" but almost never am I really angry or mad. I used to try and fix this by forcing myself to smile in situations, this was both uncomfortable and exhausting. Should I be uncomfortable and exhausting all the time just because people might perceive me in a different way? Why am I being held accountable for a facial expression with no context? Humans are messy, sometimes you gotta dig a little deeper and not take things at "face" value. (That was a pun)
This is funny because from a text-based perspective, you come off as one of the sunnier people on the site.
I saw this yesterday but didn't really have anything to say about it. Now I do although it's not quite related? I dunno; this is my first touchy feely post on hubski so bear with me. I had a temporary internship across the country from my usual city this past summer; I was incredibly out of my element and felt like I need to catch up significantly to my peers and superiors. I got great feedback from a lot of people that the work I did was substantive and high quality and it will be used in future projects. However, I just talked to my internship boss's boss who is also a family friend, which I assume is why she felt comfortable telling me the following comments. She led by telling me the above-- how hard I worked and how much I contributed. She then reported without naming names (but naming job titles which gave away just enough that I knew who she was referring to) that people had found me standoffish, aloof, unengaged, and possibly snobbish because I was quiet and "not as engaging as they would have hoped" (???). There was also apparently a case of confusion where someone reported that I didn't thank them for giving me a ride (which I'm CERTAIN I did because I wasn't raised in a barn??) and I know how it could have been construed differently because I was trying to dash off to another appointment and wanted to confirm where the office was, so I had run into my office and back out to chat with them (which is when I am certain I thanked them). She also mentioned that I may have made comments that were interpreted as flip. I'm very sarcastic and like to joke around in a way that is perceived as negative when I really mean it to be affectionate ribbing. I am concerned because I don't know how to fix this. I will observe silently until I feel comfortable and I would rather not make a scene until I know what I am doing. I'd like advice? Or reassurance that this isn't causing me future blockages? I have a career path that is pretty dependent on networking but I don't want to make an ass of myself by jumping into conversations before I know what I'm talking about. I'm very frustrated by this whole thing.
Hey, thanks for sharing. I wonder if you have ever had such feedback in the past? Does this come out of left field or, if you are totally honest with yourself, does it not surprise you? When I was in college I had a roommate tell me that I was an "arrogant bastard" in anger. The nickname stuck and years later he would send me this as an affectionate joke. The thing is he wasn't the first or the last person to call me something like that. After a while I had to assess, am I actually an arrogant bastard? Arrogant - Well, I'm not exactly humble Bastard -Well, my parents weren't married when I was conceived. He nailed it. But now I actually know that this perception can exist about me and I take effort to quell any urges towards self-bragadocia etc. It's hard when you're this awesome. (DAMN.. I did it again) Thing is, when you have one persons perception of you to be "aloof or snobbish" you can write it off to misunderstanding, but when an entire group of disparate individuals has mentioned it, it's cause for self reflection, which you are doing it seems. That said, it could be that one persons perception of you colored the rest of the peoples. -Does that make sense? First impressions, first stories about someone tend to build momentum. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you can come across as "snobbish" or in my case "arrogant" and modifying your interactions/behaviors to change that, so long that you don't compromise your authentic self in doing so. If you have to bend so far backwards to appease people that you are no longer YOU, then fuck it... be a "snob." But if all it takes is a more concerted and immediate, "Thank you very much for the ride" (while looking directly in their eyes and experiencing acknowledgment that they heard your sincerity) -then step up your game. For what it's worth, when I met you in DC you seemed nothing but gracious and kind. But, that was brief and I hadn't driven you anywhere :) Good luck!
uh actually I did receive an arrogant bastard beer glass from a very close friend...SO...we're in very similar boats haha This is the first time I'm hearing this directly in a work environment, although I have had suspicions that others found me standoffish at other jobs in the past. So now that I'm aware of it, I'm taking steps to move beyond it. i also posted this on r/2x just to hear from other women because I was concerned it was a sexism thing (women that are quiet are aloof snobs but quiet men are mysterious and brooding). I'm seeing that it's a little of both. I'm going to write to my direct boss tomorrow when I've cooled down to see if I can't triangulate this information, especially since she and I are very similar. I'm hoping she has more insights for me. thanks for taking the time to respond and come back to DC soon!
Good idea to write the direct boss. You might also want to copy it to the boss's boss who gave you the feedback. Make a point of thanking the b's b for the feedback -- even though it was hard to hear. When you thank them, it creates the possibility of more valuable openness. If you react badly to feedback, people might stop telling you stuff. Ask her if she has any specific suggestions of how you might seem more engaged around those specific people who complained. The complaints don't mean you are that way. It just means that those people were uncomfortable. The boss or boss's boss might have hired those people and know specific things about what they need or want. Good luck!
follow up time! I talked to my boss and she said she totally disagreed with her boss's comments. she had to be as political as possible about it because she still works there, but she thinks people were unfairly comparing me to the favorite intern (who is admittedly amazing but the position was directly related to his skillset, interests, and course of study) and that she isn't worried so much about the people who purportedly made these complaints because they didn't see that I produced twice as much work as was asked of me originally. I also think there's an element of east/west coast culture clash. My primarily serious jobs have been in DC where people are more to the point and less worried about feelings and charm than in CA.
the take away is that I will try and be more inquisitive in my future endeavors so as to project that sense of engagedness that seemed to be lacking. it will be tough because I like to ruminate on things for a while before asking questions which usually doesn't fly as well in a meeting scenario. i also found this today which I wanted to share because hellooooo relevant to my life http://www.fastcompany.com/3034895/strong-female-lead/the-one-word-men-never-see-in-their-performance-reviews
Interesting article. If a direct boss "totally disagreed" with her boss, you may face more contradictions in the future. Try and be warm, competent, and consistent towards everyone and let your record of achievements be your witness. It is better to ruminate, if that is your tendency, than rush into statements. But questions can always give you more information and asking them might show that you're engaged - good luck!
People have told me I have an annoyingly positive attitude. My wife, best friends, co-workers, etc. I try and make light of any shitty situation, and a lot of people seem to hate that. My wife even said to me at one point, "Why can't you just get pissed and be mad this one time? Just once!"
I'm with you. Let other people get riled over this or that. I sometimes wonder whether people who rarely get riled understand that the real pain of life is an underwater current that we swim. We may swim with it or against it; but our knowledge of it keeps us afloat.
Most people say I'm the most laid back person they've ever met. I don't feel like it mentally, but that's how I come off.