- Soon after Jay Z welcomed his first child, Blue Ivy Carter, last year, a poem the rapper had reportedly dedicated to his new baby girl zipped around the Internet. “Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich / I didn’t think hard about using the word B----,” it opened. “I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it / now with my daughter in this world / I curse those that give it.” The poem turned out to be a hoax, but a spate of recent research backs the idea that close relationships with women can dramatically sway men’s attitudes and behavior, at home and at work, for better and for worse:
I have a daughter and I can say without a doubt that I am more aware of the sexism in society than I was previously. I grew up with strong women in my life and still it took having a daughter to realize that women are up against a somewhat stacked deck in life.
I recall a while back that there was a woman trying to be on the mens PGA tour. Turns out that the overwhelming majority of the men that were critical of this did not have daughters, while those that were in support of it did.
It makes a big difference.
Any of you fathers of daughters, how has it changed you? Has it? cgod, mk, kleinbl00, steve, mike and any others..
I try to curse less. "try."
Primary change is that all my life, I knew I'd be a terrible parent since my parents were such terrible parents. As it happens, I seem to be doing okay. She sure smiles a lot, anyway.
There's a pervasive trope in society that "children will change you." I think it's unhealthy - it cloaks "parenthood" in this gnostic veil of mystery and suggests that only those with kids have truly achieved enlightenment. It's bullshit, through and through. If you had no self-awareness before children, kids might just wake you up, yeah - but if you're clear-eyed about the process you'll find that most of the drama associated with kids is directly related to the foibles of the histrionic while most of the good stuff is directly related to your most basic assumptions about parenthood.
I stopped by the Monterey Aquarium in 2009 and knew beyond a reasonable doubt it would be much cooler with a kid in tow. I didn't have a kid for another three years and lo and behold, seeing stuff through my kid's eyes is every bit as cool as I thought it would be. Joy? Certainly. Surprise? None. Other than the fact that I'm not a terrible parent, everything else was a standard deviation or less from predicted results.
…and I'm still expecting to fuck this up royally somehow.
- There's a pervasive trope in society that "children will change you." I think it's unhealthy - it cloaks "parenthood" in this gnostic veil of mystery and suggests that only those with kids have truly achieved enlightenment. It's bullshit, through and through.
- …and I'm still expecting to fuck this up royally somehow.
- While I don't think there is any veil of mystery surrounding being or becoming a parent it certainly does change people in my experience. It changed me.
I agree. It definitely enlightens you in certain areas. So do other things in life, of course, not just parenthood. But I think it's fair to say that only those with kids - and perhaps also those that care for kids - achieve enlightenment in specific related areas.
I think it's disingenuous to assert that such a massive, life-changing experience as parenthood wouldn't change you.
Obviously not coming at this from the perspective of a parent, and you probably know this already, but just:
make sure she can talk to you about anything. Because in this world, especially if she's attractive, she's going to get fucked over at some point. And I personally believe it's way more important to feel that you can trust, turn to, and rely on your parents than to feel that your parents are always happy with your life decisions.
Now, I don't think that's necessarily something you'll have a problem with, considering this is you we're talking about and you're pretty good at cutting the fat off of things and getting straight to the point and, well, conversing directly. Emphasize that no matter what she does you love her and that her happiness is more important than material "success" in life.
It's probably a really hard tightrope to walk, but I do feel that those parental/child relationships where the child knows that if they fuck up, they can go to the parent and get help first, judging second (or not at all, but we are not lovely angels) then they're going to go to the parent - which then builds the relationship - as opposed to, say, knowing they'll get judged first and maybe help somewhere down the line - are better.
Also, talk to her about sex. And body parts. And all of that.
This, my unsolicited $.02. It's what I believe is fundamentally most important for a good parent/child relationship, good communication and trust, so I can't help putting my nose in here a little bit. Hope you don't mind. I think the earlier you start to do these things the better. Once you set a habit of how you relate to the child I would expect it would be hard to change.
You're right. Generally, I think ugly people get treated worse. There was just that article about how more attractive people get promoted more than less attractive ones, and yet people around them don't even realize it. We, as a society, are definitely biased towards attractive people even if we don't realize it or want to be.
What I'm really referring to is the ugly mess of sexual harassment and men taking advantage of women. Of course, women of all appearances experience this, and it's awful.
I think attractive women become targets of very subtle sexual harassment and I think attractive girls, especially if they mature on the early side, often become targets of harassment and even just plain attention long before they are able to realize what is going on, let alone how to handle it. I think it's easy for young girls not to know what is going on or even why and become confused, blaming themselves and their bodies. I think it's possible for their perspectives to become so warped they don't find themselves attractive or understand why others do. I guess part of what I'm talking about is men/boys hitting on girls long before they're ready, and call me wrong if you think I am, but I think more attractive girls experience this more. And I think it can really screw a young girl up, especially if she doesn't know why it's happening, especially if she turns it against herself.
No matter what kleinbl00's daughter looks like she will have beautiful qualities and she should know that and be told that. She should never feel bad for the way she looks, regardless of how attractive she is by common standards.
My opinions about how girls should feel and be raised are complex and not well put into words. I would have a lot of sorting out to do before I felt I could approach raising one well. Best, best, best of luck to kleinbl00. Make her feel valued and loved and I think you'll have a great foundation.
Kids fuck up. They always do. You've just gotta be there to help them bounce back.
Yes it has. As a young redblooded man, I'd regard every woman as a potential mate with thoughts appropriate to that goal. Now that I have teen daughters, I view young women very different. Especially if the young women are sexy-looking, it raises my hackles and rather than triggering a "mate with her" response, it triggers a "protect her" response. I immediately regard any young males in the vicinity with suspicion, as I know what areas of their brains are lighting up.
I think having a child changed me in lots of ways, I'm not so sure the fact she is female made much of a difference in terms of how I viewed the world. Perhaps it should have but I grew up in a family with strong women (strong as in educated, successful business owners, employers, home makers) and I don't necessarily agree that women face a stacked deck right from the start.