We only matter as much as we manage to make an impact. We can literally are not more worth, more important or relevant than any other pile of carbon atoms, unless we make ourselves heard or seen.

The world is inherently unfair, privilege is a real thing. Put a lot of effort into digging yourself out of the hole you were born into.

The only cosy place I can imagine there is, the only way to find a place to shape and influence the world, unless you mange to be the next Bill Gates (or similar) is in establishing meaningful relationships.

I'll take that as a compliment. But I don't think I'm that alpha.

Avoiding co-dependence is probably healthy.

The problems are probably located somewhere between career and future plans, problems in organising daily lives and related habits, causing a lot of irritation.

More than I need feedback on my/our specific issues, I need to understand and learn how to ask the right questions myself to figure out what to do - thanks a lot for your help so far!

Good points. I've never planned five years into the future, ever. So I need to think about a lot more than the relationship. But your looking-the-same-direction advice sounds very useful. Thanks!

I agree, from a philosophical point of view, the promise given in a marriage is on a very weak basis.

There might be a difference in importance and value we have though. I will add this to my list of things to remember.

Thanks, that is helpful!

Thanks a lot for your (contrarian) answer!

Do I love her the right way? I deeply care about her. I'm not sure I can identify what it means to marry for the right reasons.

But yes, I need to talk to her. But I feel so lost. I wanted to know what questions I should ask myself and be able to answer. After I have that, I can put myself in a position where I need to now some answers for my side of the conversation.

She's a catch, it's not like she wouldn't have other options (from my POV).

You are right, I don't understand the difference between breaking up and geting a divorce. I don't understand what it means to be married and seeing myself as part of a relationship.