This is an alternate account for me, I do not like talking about this stuff under my actual account.
There has been a recent trend in researching and discussing mental illness especially on Hubski, probably triggered by Robin Williams' death. I would like to throw my experiences into the ring and resurface from an AMA I did 5 years ago (if you need proof it is me, I still have access to that account):
5 years ago I submitted this AMA to reddit. In particular, please read my acute delusions, a short follow up, medication discussion, and a short discussion of insight.
So what has happened in the last 5 years? I successfully graduated college. I have an extremely stable job doing data security work that is extremely demanding yet flexible, which suits me perfectly. Statistically speaking I probably make more money than you do, I say this to show how high-functioning I am not to brag. I have bought a house and am now living on my own. I work from home a lot, and that can help me manage my stress and personal space issues.
I have relapsed multiple times, yet still nobody I work with has any idea I am clinically psychotic. I went from 95% stable to 40%, all the way back up to 95%. I am currently on no continuous medication as well, though I take clonazepam still to control panic attacks. I was taken off of everything to see how I was doing, and I was doing great for about 9 months, then it came back hard. I could hear my neighbors insulting me through my walls and 20+ feet of empty space between our houses. I could hear my coworkers' thoughts, all extremely violent and negative against me. I disowned friends, I distanced myself from a lot of people that I still feel deserve it.
After a short realization of my insanity, I called my doctor immediately just like I initially went to the ER the first time. I was put on Fetzima, a new-ish SNRI that pretty much solved everything. I then had some insurance issues* and wasn't able to continue use past 30 days, but after about 20 days I started to experience strange sexual dysfunctions such as premature ejaculation and pain during ejaculation, so the insurance issues were moot. I have been off Fetzima for about 2 weeks now and feel relatively fine, but I am going to call my doctor to put me on something related as he instructed me to do if I felt like I might relapse again. I'm at about 80% right now, and I can feel it dipping. I should be fine, if I can survive the 10%, I can survive a temporary dip.
I want to also address a controversial look at why I was able to get off all medication. During the period leading up to my feeling better and getting off medication, I started regularly (once a week or so) doing doses of psilocybin for what I feel is necessary medical use. For those familiar with psychedelics, you can feel how it kind of takes control over you and is overwhelming. Now imagine that experience 24x7 without ever being able to stop it, feeling trapped that you will not come back ever and feeling that way for years, then add 10+ panic attacks every single day. That is what insanity feels like. It is unfathomable to even those who experiment with psychedelics even chronically, because the issues are not with the hallucinations nor delusions themselves. It's the prison your brain puts you in, the fact that you cannot ever get out from the madness (which you can just stop taking the drug in chronic use). It's a feeling of hopelessness that sets in and drives you insane. Nowhere you go is safe, because it is your brain that you are trying to escape. The periodic temporary loss of reality brought by psilocybin use has medically improved my condition. Why? It's a reminder that it can end. Psilocybin trips end, and when they do, I sit there in a complete state of calm and relaxation knowing that yes I can fight this illness. It is empowering, it drives away the feeling of hopelessness and despair.
I want to stress a few words of caution for people with psychosis thinking of trying psilocybin or LSD as a treatment option. Don't do it without a ton of research and a few words of advice. Find a way to be stable for 6 months or so before trying it. Get to that 95% through conventional means (antipsychotics and other psychotropics), and DO NOT LIE TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR USAGE OF IT. It's fine to lie to the nurses, they give you strange looks sometimes, but after the doctor enters they will need to know about your usage for drug interactions. For instance, LSD and Lithium do not go well together, I experienced this first hand and then looked it up and found, yes, it is in fact a known interaction.
To be honest, I have a strong opinion of the medical profession, medical research, and legislation in regards to these currently illicit drugs. Psilocybin is being studied quite rapidly now. Unless you are experienced, do not try them without going to someone who is. Trip sitting is required in the early stages, and make sure the person you are with is not a douche. I also want to say that I feel that I am a human guinea pig in regards to psilocybin and psychosis, so please don't put yourself in that situation. It's hairy without proper guidance, so just hang on a bit longer until it becomes medically legal and regulated. The regulations will ensure that you are in good professional hands at the proper time in your treatment, they will prevent anything from getting worse as a result of your usage.
I also want to make a public endorsement of the TV show Homeland as the first and only proper representation of someone who is mentally ill without portraying them as a villain, homeless, and/or mentally challenged. Morality, intelligence, and mental illness can all coexist. For me, Carrie represents the half of my brain that cannot regulate emotions and reality. I however have a second half that rules the other with an iron fist, so it never leaves my head.
Carrie is no saint, but neither is any other person on this planet. If you think you are on the "righteous" side, you are incorrect, there is no such thing. Everyone is a shade of grey. I feel this show represents this extremely well especially in regards to the complicated situation that Brody and the CIA are put in.
I would like to open the floor now to any and all questions you have in regards to drugs (legal/prescribed and illicit), psychosis, bipolar, depression, and coping mechanisms. I feel my experience can help numerous people and I in fact know that it can. I administer a small mental health community and in my time there I have prevented a number of suicides, and witnessed a few tragic ones that I was not present at the time to help talk down. People I called friends.
* I do not want this thread to turn into a discussion about health insurance. This is a discussion about mental illness. Plus, without all the details, you actually have no idea what the situation is. It kind of makes sense the decision they made, but then again, it kind of didn't. Another shade of grey. Either decision they made would have been difficult to judge them for.
PS: Some pedantry: There is one depiction in Homeland that I find erroneous, and that is her medication use. It appears she takes clozapine and lithium, which are not to be taken as sporadically as she does for efficacy reasons. Clozapine also requires weekly blood tests to make sure your white blood cell count does not drop, and is not safe when used the way Carrie uses it. Lithium is toxic and the levels must be monitored (less frequently than clozapine), so that too is a bit troublesome.
Thanks for tagging me, I guess it's known that I'm dying to get Hubski talking about drugs. I like that. Nobody is saying psilocybin will cure your psychosis, you're simply taking something that gives you psychological reprieve from a psychological conviction, and it works. I'm curious about the fact that you're pretty much literally using shrooms as an escape. According to the "research" I've googled, taking it with the mindset of trying to escape from something is a surefire way to get bad trips. How have bad trips affected your treatment?It's a feeling of hopelessness that sets in and drives you insane. Nowhere you go is safe, because it is your brain that you are trying to escape. The periodic temporary loss of reality brought by psilocybin use has medically improved my condition. Why? It's a reminder that it can end. Psilocybin trips end, and when they do, I sit there in a complete state of calm and relaxation knowing that yes I can fight this illness. It is empowering, it drives away the feeling of hopelessness and despair.
I don't have bad trips very often, but when I do I feel the same way afterwards. Glad it's over and confident that I can get through anything. Also keep in mind that your research is based on people of normal mental capacity. I have a feeling that it's not as big of a deal to have a trip when you've experienced much more severe experiences with dark, imprisoning depression. Psilocybin elevates mood when you are on it, so that helps I guess. My personal experience is that if you are nervous about taking psychedelics, you will likely have a bad trip, so make sure you are prepared.I'm curious about the fact that you're pretty much literally using shrooms as an escape. According to the "research" I've googled, taking it with the mindset of trying to escape from something is a surefire way to get bad trips. How have bad trips affected your treatment?
What ever happened to your short stories and book? Do you still have that girlfriend? Is the name "purplemagic" a meaningful name to you (or was it just chosen randomly?), and if so, what does it mean to you? It's interesting that you have the opinion you expressed in http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/9gypk/i_am_a_highfunctioning_psychotic_person_ama/c0cu6y4. I've always thought the same thing. I have no doubt that true reality is stranger than is imaginable.
Wow I can't read, I missed another question. That girlfriend dumped me, and I've not had a relationship since. I haven't spoken to her in about 4 years, but I recently discovered she got married about a year ago. To be honest, I'm not hurt by that. We had a clean break, I got over her, and I hope she's happy. She honestly deserves that. I think Alfred Lord Tennyso was on the right track in regards to his statement about love, but I think it should actually go: "'Tis better to have been loved and lost, than to have never been loved at all." I owe her my life. I hope she realizes that.
Looks like you edited in that last statement. I personally don't think the human brain is at all capable of understanding the universe fully. We might come close and produce a way of understanding (science) that is massively generalized (think how Einstein showed Newton's laws were just slightly more complex than previously thought or the mere fact that entropy calculations are pretty much guesswork), but ultimately the equation of gravity for instance might actually take up 500,000 pieces of paper to properly calculate instead of the current simple equation that it is.
My book is in exactly the same state it was, but I do intend to finish it. I actually hit a wall where I realized that I need to do some more research after realizing the universe I created is massively exploitable to discuss a multitude of psychology, political, and security issues that I hadn't foreseen initially.
How does your psychiatrist feel about you using psilocybin? I would imagine he/she/they must be pretty leery since they can't delineate everything about it as they can with anti-psychotics. What is 95% to you? A rare persecutory delusion that passes by as a single thought? Do you always keep hold of insight throughout episodes? Do you still believe your delusions were 100% true in retrospect, despite the rational part of you knowing that they are delusions? I kind of dislike asking this question... but... there was a post here a while back (which I cannot find) which said, essentially, that the NSA was harming the mentally ill with programs that live up to their fears. Did Snowden's confirmation of what many paranoid delusionals fear affect you at all? Aside from possibly bringing you more work :) Why don't you like talking about this stuff under your actual account? The stigma?
It's kind of a subject we don't really talk about. I make sure he's aware of it, but he doesn't really say anything about it. 95% to me is about 3 panic attacks a week which can cause some strange thoughts and I need isolation, I take a clonazepam, and in 30 minutes I'm normal again. I'm to the point that I no longer believe any of my delusions were true. During episodes, I will bounce back and forth between believing them and not believing them. Once it's over, I'm fine. I am doing remarkably well at hiding my insanity from friends and coworkers. In fact, only my immediate family knows anything is wrong. My extended family which I talk to regularly has no idea as well. Some of those people (specifically friends) are on Hubski. I don't want them to know because when I initially told my immediate family and them going through all the craziness, shit got serious for them. They feared I would be permanently hospitalized, would commit suicide, etc. I don't need nor want people thinking things like that when it's pretty obvious that's never going to happen. When Robin Williams died I mentioned (stupidly) to my mom that he had bipolar. I think that freaked her out, again fearing I might commit suicide like him knowing I have similar issues. I want to make it clear to anyone who does discover this account, that's just plain not going to happen. It's impossible, I wouldn't be able to do it nor would I ever want to. I've already experienced the worst of my illness and I didn't do it then. So, it's more to protect friends from freaking out and also to prevent them from trying to protect me from myself or something when it's unnecessary. I did a search because I remember reading that as well, this one? It has affected me minorly, but not extremely. It more affected how I address data security at my job more than anything else. My mental health community has a no politics rule (it frequently agitates people who are mentally ill), so I have no idea about them since they are not allowed to talk about it. My delusions never involved the government, so as he said that "aliens and government" conspiracies if one is confirmed, the other is brought back. Without the government conspiracy theories ever being a part of my illness I guess I was never affected in that way. During my illness I thought the government was incompetent. I can imagine it being true, however. If someone confirmed half of what I took years proving wrong to be correct, I have a feeling I might relapse.How does your psychiatrist feel about you using psilocybin? I would imagine he/she/they must be pretty leery since they can't delineate everything about it as they can with anti-psychotics.
What is 95% to you? A rare persecutory delusion that passes by as a single thought?
Do you always keep hold of insight throughout episodes? Do you still believe your delusions were 100% true in retrospect, despite the rational part of you knowing that they are delusions?
Why don't you like talking about this stuff under your actual account? The stigma?
I kind of dislike asking this question... but... there was a post here a while back (which I cannot find) which said, essentially, that the NSA was harming the mentally ill with programs that live up to their fears. Did Snowden's confirmation of what many paranoid delusionals fear affect you at all? Aside from possibly bringing you more work :)