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comment by Quatrarius
Quatrarius  ·  83 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: March 15, 2023

I'm quitting my job. i put in my two weeks notice on friday, but really i said I'd work until the end of the month if i had to to give some time to find somebody new. i can't stand my boss and I'm happy to be gone. i have nothing in the works for a new job.

the mood of the season is sour grape jealousy. the phrase of the season is "things are alright, but..." i wish i had some cash on hand to burn on some dumb shit. i wish i was having wild adventures. the steadier i start living the more my skin crawls for something new.

I'm having relationship struggles. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. i love him and i want to stay with him. i turn into a piece of shit when he's not around. when he's gone i feel like I'm caged up. but I'm 23 and he's 21. i feel stupid when i think about the future or the long-term, but i want to. i really want to say my "let's be together forever"s, but I'm scared. I'm scared that either we'll change and not be right for each other, or that we won't change and will stunt each other's growth. we're both depressed underachievers with dreams that don't feel in reach, and i worrry that we feed into each other's bullshit.

honestly the proximate issue is that we don't have sex. i think we average maybe once a month or every 3 weeks at most. when i get unhappy i want to have sex. when he gets unhappy he doesn't want to have sex. there are stretches of time where i stopped trying to initiate sex because it made me feel like a creep - but i can't wait for him to do it because the difference in drive is the way it is. it just builds resentment in me towards him and it sucks. this is the only issue in our relationship, but it's big enough that it drags it down. everything else is legitimately wonderful. it just hurts to be rejected over and over, and it hurts when i can't enjoy the time we spend together doing other stuff as much because I'm wishing we were fucking

i like writing. i never wanted to make it into anything beyond a hobby. i was good at academic writing, or good enough to be graded well, but i can't stand the thought of going into academia. making money as a real author looks like hell, but i thought it would be fun to write some erotica and make some scratch on it on the side. every time i try to write something sexy it's all blood and guts and machines churning and chunks in the woodchipper. i keep trying to write porn and i keep getting body horror. so i think my niche has found me

Foveaux  ·  83 days ago  ·  link  ·  

On the sex/relationship struggle. I feel you. My partner and I have wildly different drives, mine being lower, hers being much higher. She'd happily have sex every night or so, I'm happy with once a week or so. It took some good conversations to get that sorted, because there was the inevitable "Don't you find me attractive?" query, coupled with my personal, and irritating, combination of being very tactile, but not hugely sexual. I like it when she touches me or I touch her, but I don't often have it leading into anything. I just like contact. Rubbing my back is a guaranteed way to win an argument with me, cause I'll just doze right off. She however saw it as an initiation, and so when I stop the contact or start a conversation, she felt it was a rejection.

We compromised, essentially, with her being okay if some times just we focused on her, and other times I'd be in the mood too.

We had some lengthy talks about it, and unfortunately I don't have any advice you haven't already considered, I can only offer understanding. It's much better now, but I know without a doubt she felt similarly towards me, as you do to him. Sick of the rejection, knowing it's not personal but still hurting anyway, thinking about it when we're doing something else.

dublinben  ·  76 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    we're both depressed

is likely a significant contributing factor of

    we don't have sex

It's worth doing everything you (both) can to fix that, because it is slowly killing your relationship. Once you're on the other side, you may be amazed just how much better everything is between you two, inside and outside the bedroom.

Quatrarius  ·  83 days ago  ·  link  ·  

i have a new bit where i connect a few big words and big concepts together in my head on my way to work and then google them on my phone when I'm at the front desk when nobody's around. there's always somebody with some thoughts on it, a paper on it, a book about it, etc: you just need to know the right words to summon them up. my latest ones today are "necropolitics of homosexuality" and "queer phenomenology".

i've been having a slow-motion crisis of faith that i still have no resolution for. it's a crisis of belief in all its forms. i haven't talked about it much outside my own head and it's ourobouresque so bear with me.

i don't know what truth is. i don't know where morals come from. i don't know what's real. i know there are methods of figuring out what's true, but functionally, they all feel no different to me. there's a whole chain of thought you can go down about perception, is it the same as reality, etc, but I'm not smart enough for it. i don't understand the difference between the physical and the mental. if thoughts are electrical impulses in the brain, it seems like everything is physical on a certain level. are numbers physical? are morals physical?

i get twisted up about a lot of silly stuff like this, but when you keep questioning things you end up with the silly questions at the end. i have a bone to pick with the kind of assumed that try to evade the silly questions.

my problem is with science, and the problem is that no matter how i slice it up, i have to rely on faith to use science. i'm not capable of understanding everything out there. even if science was able to perfectly represent everything in the perfect infinite future where everything has been reduced to its most basic principles, there'd be no way to know it all in one head. there's no way to verify everything you hear yourself. you can't replicate every study you see on the news. at a certain point, you have to trust that the person telling you that X is X is correct. for everything that you can't personally verify and see with your own eyes, you have to rely on trust (not even getting into the perception vs reality can of worms).

so functionally, what difference is there between the belief that i have in something established scientifically to be true, but which I have no way to verify, and some belief made by something else? and how do you scientifically establish a moral, anyway?

i just go round and round about it. i'm only knowledgable enough to get myself in trouble

Quatrarius  ·  83 days ago  ·  link  ·  

in summary I've been reading too much

in other news, Cumol inspired me to send my PCP some paperwork that I've been needing to send for 6 months - i got diagnosed with autism last year and the psych said that it might be worth a try to go on "a mild neurostimulant" so i might be microdosing ritalin in the gauntlet of other pills that I'm taking

i remembered the point to the previous post: basically i feel like society is a big machine that's designed to diffuse things. the doctor not treating you because you're trans is localized blame - the doctor not treating you because your insurance doesn't cover trans stuff is diffused blame. science at its core is a mode of inquiry. it uncovers truth. but the way science is used socially is to diffuse truth. it gets spread around until you can see through the cracks. communities are machines for sharing. science feels like a mechanized faith. it's truthfinding made capital m Modern. it feels like instead of pointing to god, you can now point to the machine. it's insufficiently material. and it just feels phony when it's applied to things that are socially constructed. I'm sick to death of the science of social science, where people make models to worship and indianajones-swap them with the real world

i keep losing my train of thought