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comment by user-inactivated
user-inactivated  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: September 28, 2022  ·  

I’m always honest with you guys, so I’m gonna be upfront here. I tried creating another account, baseballninja, but I have no idea how to activate it. So I found the password to an old account. I wrote all this last night, but here I am now. It’s been what, two years now? I don’t know. Time has lost meaning.

I’m here to pontificate about baseball, maybe cartoons like Ninja Turtles or some shit from time to time, but mostly baseball. I fell in love with it last year. Twitter is a cesspool of angry people and so many bots it’s not funny. Reddit is a hell hole. I don’t even fucking get discord, so here I am, because I’m lonely, my life is a disaster, and every day I go to bed alive is a small miracle.

If you want to know where I’m at, here’s a dump for you. It’s greyed out, cause shit gets really real, really quick.

Mental Health

I think dimensia is starting to kick in. I get confused and lost easily, have a hard time remembering words and events, and other shit.

I suffer from OCD, real, fucking, bad. We’re talking losing on average 2-4 hours a day just to hand washing and showering and shit. There’s times where I lose an hour just to a single hand washing session cause I just can’t get it right. The doctor I went to see for it, cause he was free at the time, accidentally made it worse. The coping mechanisms he taught me were for PTSD, a way to rationalize through your fears. Turns out, doing that shit makes OCD worse. Now that I know better, I’m trying to find a specialist for OCD here in the city, but wouldn’t you know it, no one is taking on new patients. Ever. No matter who I call, I get told to check back in three to six months. I’ve damn near given up.

My friends and social life

One turned into a red piller. Another is about to be homeless and there’s nothing I can do to help and I don’t know if I can bear to watch. Another is, I am starting to suspect, in some weird white nationalist uber conservative church and doesn’t fucking want to admit it. Another I’ve stopped talking to because they went shit crazy. Another lives literally 10 hours away. The Baha’is around here rarely do anything in person and the in person events they do are often when I’m working. Everyone else works when I’m free and vice Vera. My own fucking family never calls or texts unless I call or text first. I text friends memes to stay in touch. Outside my coworkers, my only socialization is with my wife, and for so many reasons that puts a strain on our relationship but we’re trying to manage.

My Career

I work at a pet store now, cause I can’t get a job anywhere else, and you’d think being a germaphobic animal lover who hates corporate America would make it hard enough, but worse, it’s in a baaad part of town. We’re talking having to have locks on our bathrooms because people use them for drugs and prostitution. We’re talking about witnessing people beat their own pets and children in front of God and everybody. We’re talking about a murder happening literally right next door cause two shoppers got into a heated argument during the holiday season. We’re talking serious tragic and fucked up homelessness. On and on I could go, the stories I could tell, you wouldn’t fucking believe me. They happen, I tell people about them, and no one ever fucking believes me except my coworkers, cause we’ve fucking seen it all. If one of you guys got a text from your roommate that said “Hey, you can’t come home right now. There’s an active shooter situation at our apartment complex and the police won’t let anyone in or out” you’d probably think it’s sensational or some shit. For the people I work with? That’s like the fucking weather report.

For real, I’m as kind as possible to as many people as possible at work every single day. Partly because I’m in so much pain, it brings reality into a new perspective that I want to do everything I can to keep other people from feeling what I feel on a daily basis. But also? I kind of don’t wanna get shot in the face cause I pissed off the wrong customer.

I’m in a dark, dark, dark place. There’s been some storms I’ve had to ride out and my m sure there’s more to come. I’m only here cause honestly, I don’t even fucking know what to do anymore. I’m not looking for help though, I don’t want sympathy or pity or support. I literally just want a safe corner of the internet to say shit like “This series between Boston and Baltimore has been insane and I can’t wait to see what happens next” or”here’s a list of catchers I think are amazing” or “I love that The Pirates give up on seasons so early, cause then they bust out the rookies and I love watching rookies hustle.”

So I’m back. I’m sorry and not sorry. I’ll warn you though, a lot of days, I’m just a ball of emotion. Put up with me or don’t, I don’t care, I’m gonna ramble about baseball anyway.

And if you’re blocked, it’s cause I barely have the energy to make it through the day, I don’t have any to put up with you. Doesn’t mean I hate. Doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person. I’m just really, really tired.

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I’m literally watching tonight’s Baltimore/Boston game while I wait for the ability to post. So here are thoughts.

Adley Rutschman is amazing. I have a special place in my heart for Jonah Heim and Tyler Stephenson though.

Boston’s City Connect Jersey is hideous. It looks like it belongs to some European Team. The Padres Jersey is worse. The Brewers and Angels have some cool ones though.

I’m surprised that Boston and Chicago White Sox both had seasons that fell apart. After Baltimore’s rough previous few seasons, this one was so fun, even if they don’t get a wild card slot. Can’t wait for next year for them. Or The Rangers.

I don’t care about pitch clocks, but I’m so glad they’re banning the shift. 4 men outfields and such were just stupid. Why even call them positions if they’re not gonna stick to them?

Players I love to keep an eye on. Jonah Heim. Oneil Cruz. Jonathan India. Keston Huira. Ryan Mountcastle. Way too many. On I could go.

Shohei deserves MVP.

Mancini being trade to Houston was a tragedy. Him being a bench player is a literal crime.

Is Kansas City even a real baseball team? I don’t think I’ve ever paid them even the remotest attention.

Fucking baseball. One of the few things that make sense. I’m glad I found it.

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Woke up to use the bathroom and the wife’s Angels game was just starting. I sat down to watch a bit. Logan O’Hoppe is making his major league debut. He’s a catcher. I’m a sucker for catchers. I love catchers. So much ride on them. Watched a few innings. His first MLB at bat was a clean single, maybe he’ll be okay.





wasoxygen  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I went to a game Monday with one of the Little League dads and the boys. The home team trails the league, has been eliminated, and was shut out. We mostly talked about trains. It was great.

user-inactivated  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  

It’s awesome you had a great time. There’s something about discussions during a baseball game that make both more memorable.

Next year, I hope to go to more live games. No more major league games though, cause even when tickets are a deal, $10 hotdogs and $8 pops are just stupid prices.

Which is fine, cause the college, independent, and minor league games all have their own distinct energy and are just as fun, if not more so, than Major League games.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Just wanted to say:

You've been kind to me in this tiny corner of the Internet, many years ago, under a different username. I don't forget that.

It's hard to say anything to that, so: best wishes. Hope you'll be okay soon. Hope you'll find a better path to walk on.

user-inactivated  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  

It’s been forever since we talked, but I still think of you from time to time. When the news comes on Anout Russia, I think about you. I hope it doesn’t offend you when I say sometimes I pray for you being over there and all.

I read your post on here and hope you’re staying strong.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  

A show of support does not offend me in the slightest.

Things are looking up lately, so I'm feeling that much more envigorated about my prospects again. I could use a prayer about things staying this way, if you have any.

elizabeth  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I’ve never been into any sports. But as I’ve heard on the Internet once « soccer (or any other sport) is the most important thing out of the unimportant things ». I know we’ve got some rugby fans around, and surely someone is into baseball too. F1 has been picking up in my periferal circles just cause of that Netflix special.

It’s not something that was part of my upbringing or family, but maybe one day I’ll find a sport to root for. One of my very valuable memories I haven’t recalled for the longest time (that came to mind thanks to your post) was visiting my grandfather in Belarus in January because it was on the way, being stuck in their tiny apartment and spending most of my time there watching the Winter Olympics together. Slalom and shit 🤘

user-inactivated  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Witnessing sports with others, especially if they enjoy the same sports you do, is an amazing feeling. When you get the moments where something awesome happens, or awesomely disappointing, and you get to share it with those around you, there’s no feeling like it.

And Winter Olympics is fun. Curling is strangely addictive.

user-inactivated  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  
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elizabeth  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  
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user-inactivated  ·  65 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Came across this. Dude was me in a different account. He ain’t seen shit yet. If only I could have warned him.