Fucking hell man, there hasn't been a day gone by where I haven't thought about accepting the offer to fight. Volunteering was able to scratch the itch.. but this is just something else. Fuck."If you ever wondered what you would have done during the holocaust, it's what you're doing now."
The discussion I had with my wife was "nobody wants your 47-year-old never-trained hasn't-fired-a-gun-in-25-years ass out there where everyone else has to worry about you." on the one hand I really worry as to just how horrible things are going to get in Russia now. On the other hand I really want it and that part isn't useful, human or good.
There's a lot not being said about the IL and one of those is that you most likely would have never been allowed into country in the first place. For the best, that is not a place you want to be. At all. Should I go it will not be with the IL. I hope that things getting worse in Russia will lead to changes. It may be a misplaced hope and we do truly see a NK equivalent, but in the meantime it gives me an excuse for having the same terrible thoughts as you.