my dad is an angry man. when he, you, or anybody around him has a problem, he flies off the handle. he "jesus christ"s and "fuuUUUck"s and sighs his way through whatever issue happens, whether it's accidentally overcooking dinner, getting cut off in traffic, or when your child falls behind in schoolwork or is scared to talk to the cashier. my dad is not a patient man.

one day last year i was having a conversation with him in a hipster pizza place where we were having lunch. we split two personal-sized pizzas (which were both excellent) and we were chatting about memory - i mentioned that i could barely remember a lot of my life, and he said "yeah, (name of my sister) told me the same thing." we were so stressed out and unhappy that we both either forgot or never remembered large chunks of our lives. my dad got self-reflective and told me "yeah, it's a running joke" among his two siblings (both younger) that "(my dad's name) has no memory, he can't remember a thing" but said that "when i think about it, i think the situation was the same" as me and my sister's.

my dad's parents got divorced when he was young, in former mining town, one-step-above-trailer-park sub-suburban northern ontario. my nana worked, so my dad had to take care of the younger kids - making them dinner, getting them to school, etc. nana is a manipulator and a witch - the only people that dislike her more than her children are the spouses of her children. my theory is that part of the reason my parents moved to the states was to get away from her.

after having the pizza-shop conversation, some dots got connected in my head. no wonder dad's defensive when things go tits-up - he got blamed for not taking care of his brother and sister as a little, little kid. he doesn't react well to criticism because he had to fend off his bitch mother until he moved far enough away that he didn't need to interact with her anymore. he's annoyed with the problems of parenting because he had to do that shit from 8 to 18 years old.

my dad was not a good dad. he wasn't abusive, or neglectful, but i never felt like i could go to him for help or confide in him. as a kid, i felt like my dad was a completely different person when he was around other people - social, funny - whereas at home, he was tired and irritable. now that i'm grown and gone away, and my sister is grown and gone away, my dad is a completely different person to interact with. we're not quite equals now, but i'm not something he has to parent anymore. my sister hasn't forgiven him - she got fucked up worse than i did - but she's made it out on her own, s'got a job, got a band she plays the guitar with, got certificates and artsy skills and! independence - she doesn't need him for anything anymore, and so she's frosty as hell with him without me to grease the skids. not all the time, but enough that he uses me as a middleman when he wants to invite her over. "give your sister a text. i texted, but she didn't answer."

i've forgiven him. mostly. i was closer to him than she was, at least until i started transitioning. i love him, and i love him more now that i like him.