Wow... sometimes these questions come up that just boggle my mind. This is one of those. The entire conversation starts too far down the track. We gotta pull the train all the way back into the station, and start from some base principles. Number one: There is nothing someone else has that is going to "complete" you. If you are not complete and whole, you can never be a true partner to someone else. You cannot look to someone else to fill that hole inside of you, because then all you are is a suck. You aren't a partner, you are a leech. Number two: If you are not whole and comfortable with yourself, why are you even looking for a partner? How can you be fully present for them, and participatory in the relationship, if you are mentally spinning on your own shit? Who is the other person supposed to be connecting to? The 30% of you that is available to them? You are a human moving target, who isn't present and fully engaged in a mutual experience. You only have your toe in their pool, and you expect full commitment from them? That's just being an asshole. Everything anyone needs (short of an actually clinically-assessed chemical or mental imbalance) is inside of them already. Looking outside for solutions is just screwing someone else up. Because who are they? What are they looking for? Do they want a relationship with only 30% of you? I bet not. So if you engage in a relationship with them, you are lying to them. You are basing your relationship on a false premise - namely, that you are ready and prepared to be an equal partner in the relationship - and building upon a foundation of quicksand. I think people need to expand outside of their own needs, when considering a relationship partner. Your partner does not complete you. 1 plus .75 does not equal 2. That's why great relationships are 1 plus 1 = 10. Both people are bringing their full selves and A-game to the relationship, fully participating with their partner in a mutual partnership, and building something that is literally impossible for either of them to build alone. THAT is a relationship. Anything else is just using another human as your own personal crutch until they break. And that's just a shitty thing to do to another person.
One step further back: how does one become a 'whole' person, as well as illustrating such. I'd like to propose the idea that no single person really reaches enlightenment (sorry, definitely exaggerating, but not in a sarcastic sense). In other words, being 'incomplete' is the norm. Through engaging with a partner, each individual unlocks the ability to build upon themselves with a partner in good faith to reach a more wholesome state. This is based on the idea of one's attraction to another has a strong, positive correlation with values and upbringing - for better and worse. That said, through the 'worse,' one side can look to another for healing through compassion, comfort, and connection. Values aren't instilled in a void, they form through one's upbringing. Naturally, an upbringing calls for role models/guardians/parents. Through the rough times, your romantic interest has the power to enroll as the emotional and personal sounding board who can facilitate healing of wounds in the past as a partner in good faith. Inches by inches, wound by wound, progress can move forward towards a better being. Wait. I rambled somewhere in that second thought process. I guess my point was, I agree here: And those willing to take that healing a step further could be lucky enough to explore a better way to live and grow exponentially with others. What I'm sorta reading is a scenario where people seek out others to complete themselves. I agree that's not healthy for any relationship. I'd further argue that the other participant in this diad likely isn't 'wholesome' either. It's not unreasonable to presume that those who are not 'whole' or 'comfortable' with themselves may find that in those they seek romantic interest's with are seeking the same on some level. I think I mixed around a lot of sentences when trying to make this more fluid. I'd be more than happy to clarify if something didn't make sense.Number one: There is nothing someone else has that is going to "complete" you. If you are not complete and whole, you can never be a true partner to someone else. You cannot look to someone else to fill that hole inside of you, because then all you are is a suck. You aren't a partner, you are a leech.
Everything anyone needs (short of an actually clinically-assessed chemical or mental imbalance) is inside of them already.
Right... it's all about who you are, and who you can be for someone else. The bigger narrative around relationships is about "getting". "Getting" married. "Getting" a girl/boyfriend. Etc. The more powerful way to enter into an engagement with someone else is to BRING you to the party, and offer yourself, rather than take from others. It is riskier. Rejection can be brutal, when it is your heart on offer. But the one who sees your offering, and offers theirs in return? THAT's a partnership.
This made more sense to me after reading again. To clarify: The more powerful way to enter into an engagement with someone else is to BRING you to the party, and offer yourself, rather than take from others. This in the sense of the opposite being going to the party with intent to "get" or "take" someone way from that space? I found this insightful and a neat view.The bigger narrative around relationships is about "getting". "Getting" married. "Getting" a girl/boyfriend. Etc.
:-) There was a trail of broken women who really wanted to love me, but I wouldn't let them. After my first marriage broke up... and the fiancee after her left... and another girlfriend broke up with me... I finally started noticing there were patterns in my relationships. They each seemed to follow the same beats, and ended feeling the same way. I realized that all of these women were amazing people in their own right, and were committed to a relationship. So, in a moment of clarity, I realized the problem must not be with THEM... it was with ME. I had no idea where to start. So I simply stopped dating. Completely. For a year. Then I realized that I always had some sort of distraction going... music playing, TV on, whatever... I was never just silent and alone. So I tried that, and found that it was HARD. I didn't really like me. I didn't want to be with me, alone, with no distractions. So I forced myself to. And, over time, I discovered my actual self, deep down inside. Not the person I had always pretended to me, but the core ME. I got to know him. And like him. And I built a relationship with him, and thought about what that guy really wanted... not what the marketing machine and the noise and the consumer culture wanted me to think I wanted. But what I actually desired. And then I moved back to the USA, and it all fell apart again. So I rebuilt it slowly over time. And I have an astonishing relationship based on mutual respect for ourselves, and each other, and a genuine interest in what our wonder-twin powers can do. I think it is like walking through a waterfall... There is this hammering, scary, noisy wall of water. It's cold. And scary. And the ground is slippery. And you start into it, and you think you are going to be crushed by the sheer hammering weight of the water, or you'll drown, or maybe there isn't anything back here to discover at all... And it starts to get easier. And the water lessens. And you pass through the waterfall and find a lovely little enchanting grotto. And the sound of the water is a quiet shoooooshing in the background, reminding you of the difficult path you took, and making you love this lovely little spot even more. And you decide to stay.
So I rebuilt it slowly over time. Before I link your beautiful answer to everyone, please clarify what "it" means in each of those excerpts. My guesses #1: my relationship with myself and sense of self-worth and resolve not to fall into the distractions of US culture? #2: my resolve, my sense of identity #3: building a relationship? By the way, your answer is so relevant to my one-woman show, now under construction.And then I moved back to the USA, and it all fell apart again.
I think it is like walking through a waterfall...
#1, really. It's the peace with oneself that makes one whole and a good partner for someone else. "It" in this case is my sense of self. My identity. The thing one must defend against is the ease of slipping back into patterns that are not a part of who I am, yet may be perpetuated by the worldwide marketing machine that tells you that you are not enough. Aka - Don't believe the hype. (And YAY! I am glad this may play into your show somehow! Very curious about that project...)