Brian is at a table talking with Karl. Brian notices God eavesdropping on their conversation from the next table over.

Brian: Hey Karl, did you hear God is going to end the world tomorrow?

Karl: Of course I did. It's all I've been thinking about. Why do you think he's doing it?

Brian: I honestly think he has to. I don't think he is powerful enough to stop it.

Karl: But I thought he was (makes air-quotations with his fingers) "all-powerful."

Brian: Yeah, he's done a great job of fostering that image about himself. Nah, I don't buy it.... an "all-powerful," (exaggerated air-quotes this time) God wouldn't let us all die.

Karl: I suppose you're right.

Brian: Hell yes I'm right. In fact, if God were here right now I'd say it to his face, "God, I bet you the beer in my hand you can't spare humanity."

With that, God walks over to Brian and snags the beer from his hand.

God: It's done. Humanity has another millennia, but the beer is mine. Take that sucka!

"It'd be a real shame to go out on such a low note, sir."

"So is this gonna go down how the Catholic bible has it going down because I've always wondered if the four horsemen were a metaphysical thing, or like actually horsemen?" I asked trying to mask the tremendous fear of standing before an entity that could sneeze me out of existence by accident.

"Honestly? There are literally an infinite numbers of ways this could go down." She said in a rather quiet tone.

"Do any of those possibilities have us living through this?" I asked hoping my job would be easier than I thought.

"Nope. In every instance the world ends no matter what." She said looking off into the vastness of space. It almost seemed like she didn't care. "Believe me I do. I care about every single thing I create, but this is the biggest issue with human beings. You think you are the center of everything that there isn't some grand plan that exceeds your short span of life," she said.

She was right, we had taken a very selfish position in the universe, but in our defense we had no proof to say otherwise. "Are we all just expected to die, and that be the end then?" I asked only being 21 I had a lot of life to live.

"Again you assume that your life as it is, is the only thing that exists. That when it ends it's over just like that. Honestly I'm more keen to end the world just to show you what comes next." She said as she swirled her finger in the emptiness of space to create another galaxy.

"Well how were we supposed to know there was something else after, it's not like you gave such trustworthy source material?" I asked being slightly upset by her words.

"You weren't supposed to be so caught up in death to be completely honest. At least I'd hope you would simply live the lives you were given," she said taking a more somber tone.

"You say that as if you didn't know what was going to happen," I said sounding curious.

"A lot of the time human beings assume being able to do everything must mean I choose to do everything. I know all paths that humanity can take, but I choose not to see which one you all will end up choosing," she said with a smile on her face. Maybe the world ending isn't so bad then.

"I haven't done a good job convincing you that keeping us alive is a good idea, have I?" I asked feeling more and more comfortable with the end.

"Nope not in the slightest, but I can tell that I've convinced you that in my vocabulary "end" doesn't mean the same thing it means for you," she said still gazing out at her creation. She gestured to me that it was time to head back.

"So technically I did convince you to save us right?"

"Not really... Tomorrow was never really the end. Death's just another path," she said giggling.

"Did you just loosely quote Gandalf?" With a flick of her wrist I was back standing before thousands of people who were waiting for my return.

"What happened?" the crowd roared. I wasn't sure what to say besides, "She quoted Gandalf to me."

There was this deep silence before the crowd in almost perfect unison said, "SHE?!"

I wrote this on my phone so excuse any mistakes haha.

I know why they picked me. Because I'm just a guy, and you're not going to powerplay God. Send the President, or the UN Secretary General, or the Pope, you done fucked up. But send me, and I'm going to get a little bit drunk and then get to it. So that's what I did. And it worked, or you wouldn't be reading this. Or you might be, but we may all be dead and this is what being dead is like. You wouldn't know really. Just because God said He would spare us, doesn't mean that He did.

That pisses people off most of the time. That I assume that God is capable of lying, but that really foregoes the obvious statement here that God was about to murder all of us. So you think that He would kill us all on a whim, but that he's straight with you all the time? Do you tell your dog the truth all the time? Honestly, to think that you have any idea of what God wants begins with the conceit that you have the capability to understand even small parts of how God thinks. Which is the conceit that you are in someway God-like. So what's more conceited: thinking that God could be a liar, or thinking that you know what God wants?

But to your question: What did I say to God? I'm not overly tactful in general. I just told him that I didn't want to die, and that many other people didn't want to die. So he shouldn't kill us. That was it really. I kind of assumed that no matter what I did that I would fail anyway, so there wasn't going to be a lot of effort put into this. I was kind of pissed in the first place that I had to do this because everyone else had the day off from work, it being the last day ever and all, but here I was schlepping back and forth to heaven on humanity's behalf. It worked out though. I haven't had to pay for a drink in a long time.

God doesn't talk, at all. It's fucking weird. Dude just looks at you like you look at the drunk guy at the party who is standing in front of the person you've actually come to see. But his angel, Jimbo, he talked to me and told me that God would spare humanity, but that God had one question. Why do so many kill themselves to escape living if they don't want to die?

And I couldn't help it, blame the booze or blame me. I don't really care. My eyes filled up and I yelled at Him, "Because you make life so fucking hard! You asshole! You make a world where our loved ones die, and cruelty is rewarded, and justice is a fleeting concept, and you don't know why escape is a viable option? How dare you even ask that?!" I started crying, and I didn't know why, but I know why now. I figured it out when I stopped going to church, though I'm sure He didn't notice that anyway.

I had just realized that God was so far beyond us, that He simply couldn't understand our concerns. God is so omnipotent that his understanding of our existence does not involve how we perceive its challenges and horrors. God is not capable of helping us, because He will never be able to realize that we need help. So yeah, He exists. I've met Him. He doesn't give a shit about you.