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comment by War
War  ·  3178 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Today's Writing Prompt: Magic

He stuck his tongue from his mouth to taste the air. It was ripe, ready to move. He looked into his bag fidgeting to find his MP3 player.

Neron slowly walked towards the clearing in the Nimbus cliffs. This is where the sky met the earth, and where he could let go. He slowly plugged his ears with fast-beat dance music, and locked his gaze on the clouds. His upper body swayed first from left to right; the rhythm beginning slowly only to pick up with every moment. His call received a shy response from the wind, and so his arms called to them again. This time the wind responded in kind. He smiled as the wind ran through his hair, and now his legs joined the exchange. With each movement of his body the clouds grew closer; the wind circling him to follow along. With a final leaping turn the air lifted him from cliffs. He soared through the skies, while his muscles still moved as they had a thousand times before. The air followed every change in direction and speed.

Neron looked out over the world as he gracefully soared above with the wind at his side. He would test the wind today, push it to the very limit. With a dive forward he plummeted towards the earth, and the wind followed. It caught him, and threw him high into the air. Neron screamed in success, as the wind rejoined to finish the dance. The song was coming to an end; the clearing in sight once again. With a final twist of the body he flew high into the air above the clouds. The sun finally awake basking the clouds in light. He held there for a moment on top of the world before descending back to the surface. His feet making contact with the grassy clearing as the song slowly faded out. Neron looked to the sky once more as it slowly returned to its former activity and thanked it for the dance.

Feel free to critique. This was a new one for me because I don't know much about dancing, but I thought it would be a cool way to approach this.

Isherwood  ·  3178 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Excellent descriptions. The world, and Neron's movements in it, were clear and vivid. There's also a great use of feeling in his success. You might weave the music in a bit tighter. The wind feels like a string symphony to me, so the fast-beat dance music threw me off. You might also tie changes in the songs to different moves, a swelling of drums could make him raise the wind, a crashing of cymbals could bring him down.

Really solid though. I didn't think twice about your dance knowledge, the character was so certain and sure of his victory that the dance was just a footnote in his story.

War  ·  3178 days ago  ·  link  ·  

See that is always an issue I when it comes to writing. I imagine a scene with all these moving parts, and then when I actually write the scene I focus in on one of those parts instead the original image, but I guess that's what editing is for right haha?

As always thank you for the critiques.

Isherwood  ·  3178 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I know exactly what you mean.

My background is storytelling, I used to have to entertain very large audiences for hours at a time. Now, when I write, I try to imagine I'm telling a story to people. I try to imagine what they would look like, how they would respond. Is this the first time I mentioned the cliff? Then they'll all be confused, I should probably explain it. Is he about to take a step off the ledge? They'll be confused at that too, but this time I want them to be.

Mostly it's about taking the time to build something complete. It's like a drawing, the focus might be the portrait in the middle, but you still have to draw the chair he's sitting on and the room he's sitting in. Try to take some time to build a room with your words. You're always welcome to ignore the prompt and just to write, if you'd like.