and learning to accept the things you can't change. I think the latter becomes more difficult the more educated one becomes. But not impossible.

This is something that's actually been bothering me. My interests don't really line up with everyone else's. Yet, I keep finding media that has characters, settings, etc. that match them almost perfectly. I wish I could just jump into one of those worlds and just live out my days in there, instead of in the one I find myself in currently.

Incidentally, I used to think Nihilism and Solipsism were the same thing, until I started looking into them a few months ago. Apparently Metaphysical Nihilists actually reject cogito ergo sum, arguing that existence may not be distinguishable from nonexistence. I get Solipsism, but Nihilism is a little too left-field for me. But still intriguing.

I can't decide whether solipsism or nihilism describes my thoughts better. Maybe neither, maybe both. It's not quite just one person, but it's not nothing either. As nothing can't exist logically, so nihilism must be false. I had this thought a while back that nothing is simply everything. Like we are all just bits of nothingness. Data perceived in a certain way. Or rather, nothingness perceived in a certain way. As if we are all looking into this nothingness, and this is what we see.

Solipsism itself is close to how I see consciousness, but not quite. It's not just one observer viewing a world. But rather a single observer from every observation point. You aren't just nothing to me, you are me. I watched this atheist radio show once (I think it's in texas or something, they are popular on youtube). And they kind of just laughed at a solipsist who called in. I found it amusing what they said. They stated that they guy shouldn't have bothered since he doesn't believe they are real anyway.

But really, what is real? Are dreams real? Is this real? What about media? Are fantasies and thoughts real? What about alternate worlds? Is the past real? What if this is a dream? Just made for someone's sleep.

Or perhaps we are in a computer simulation. I hear some researchers are working on seeing if we are. Or perhaps a computer simulation inside of a dream? Whose to say what's what?

cogito ergo sum seems flawed. I can't stand the thought that I exist. It's not logical. It doesn't make sense. The whole system would work a lot better if I didn't "be". But I know I am because I am. It's not just thinking. I can think separately from my "am"ness. So I really have two trains of thought. My "am" thoughts, and my "not am" thoughts. The thoughts that kind of just flow out of me without me being able to review them. I hate these thoughts. They slip out, and I can't stop them. And they usually cause havoc. It's like a different person but not. To the outside observer these are the same. But to me, or rather my "am", they are clearly different.

And then there's the stuff that forces itself into my head. What's that about? That's a third, yet separate, train of thought completely. It mostly is just music or something, but sometimes it's silent. I can't really recall if it ever did anything insightful, but it's there anyway.

Are these all "me"? Which one do I need for "cogito ergo sum" to be true? The "am"? Or the "me" that doesn't get reviewed?

There's been a few studies that show that the "am" is actually a few seconds behind the decision making process. So that really means I'm just an observer, correct? And I suppose that means everyone else goes through this "am" thing as well. Again, all observers. Which would explain that third train of thought as well. Things pop in, we review them, say which are good, and then send it to the actual "me". And the actual "me" only sends stuff it thinks it needs to review.

I'm wearing myself out now, so I'm just gonna stop. I don't think Nihilism is right, but I don't think solipsism is right either. It's some sort of weird mix. Or perhaps neither.

I raved and frothed a bit below after I wrote this. I'm thinking a bit.

That image is supposed to mean that we as a species are capable of greatness unparalleled, because we are. I think I'm special. I'm human. Humans wrote Principia. Humans split the atom. Humans can believe in things against all evidence, and sometimes they're right.

I haven't been alive very long, and I've seen some pretty awe-inspiring things. I trust I'll see more. And if the meaning of life reveals itself somewhere along the way, that's just gravy: if I died tomorrow I would feel pretty good about what I've experienced. I'd like to hang on to that feeling.