Here's a bit of the background:
1) I have already received a BA (Linguistics, baby). I did not have to write an essay for that school, as my SAT/GPA was high enough to be automatically admitted.
2) I am considering a second degree from St. John's College (Santa Fe). In reality it depends on what their financial aid offering is, but I am willing to take on more debt, because I like being in school and the experience would be worth it.
3) Since I'm against posting an unfinished product publicly online (perhaps I'll save the rough draft as it), message me if you would like to read it.
4) I wrote it in the last two days while nearly intoxicated on caffeine.
And feel free to totally criticize this plan if it seems to you untenable.
I think people would be able to help more if you would share your paper. I would be, and I'm sure the rest of hubski would be mature and not disrespectful towards your work.
I'd love to help, but you'll have to explain a bit better what you are trying to do here. If I understand correctly, you want to pursue your masters degree at a different school than your BA and you need to write an essay for that? Weird Americans :P
Is your only reason for getting the second BA to stay in school "because you like it"? If you have to go into debt to do it I would say don't, absolutely don't. A second BA is pretty unheard of; most people when going that route simply choose to double-major the first time around. I would hope that whatever the second degree you are pursuing is something you would be looking to parlay into your immediate career because it also doesn't make sense to go, get another degree, and then try to get a job in your first career choice. Potential employers are going to look at that quizzically. Set the document up on a Google Doc with a revision history, ala the proof-reading subreddits. It's probably the best bet you have for getting feedback. Expecting people to individually PM you and ask to read your essay to then edit it essentially equates to asking a whole bunch of strangers to do additional work in order to do you a favor in the first place. Try to make it as easy as possible for someone to do you a favor when you ask.
I don't know about the US, but it is not done in the Netherlands. One just continues with a masters degree, unless changing career paths. From arts to engineering for example. (Also, BA is worth nothing around here, MA is pretty much required) So, why not continue with a masters degree instead of pursuing a second BA?