Interesting. I have been in two places since 2007. As such, the onus was on me to visit friends when I was coincident in space and time with them. No I can't come to breakfast I'm a thousand miles away thanks for thinking of me. Yes let's absolutely get together the next time I'm in town. From a friendship perspective, COVID has been more of an extended business trip than anything else - no I can't get together with you because obviously I can't we'll get together when we can. My methods for keeping in touch with people are fundamentally unchanged because the added impediment of COVID is functionally identical to the added impediment of business travel. We have a couple friends in their 60s and 70s who we used to see regularly and we don't now because my wife is a vector and they have compromised health. That sucks. But we did two full hours of Zoom over Thanksgiving which really served to highlight how much we miss them. Frankly, I'm closer to several people now because there's no impetus to get off the phone - we won't talk about this the next time we get together because we can't plan to get together so sure I've got 20 minutes for you to tell me about reselling your house. And frankly, I appear to be a "leading health expert" as far as lots of my acquaintances are concerned so plenty of people call or text me far more often than they used to. Attempting to exist in the Hollywood ecosystem teaches you (often explicitly) to treat your friends transactionally and view each interaction as an opportunity for advancement. It's terrible and mercenary but if you strip away the awfulness you're left with "if you want something out of your friends you need to call your friends" and also teaches you "if you call up your friends without needing anything out of them you move to the head of the line because nobody remembers how to do that anymore." You never regret lunch. Since we can't do lunch right now, you never regret texting. Or just reaching out. Or just answering questions. I appreciate you bringing this up. It's given me a thankfulness for my situation.
What you say about "transactional" relationships is interesting. Since I rarely want anything from anyone and I'm not currently looking for "advancement," my desire for interactions has certainly decreased -- but thinking back to earlier in the fall, I have been called by a former co-teacher several times. She asked for advice, a letter of recommendation, and opinions on the changes in the program. It was transactional, but since she's also a friend, I didn't see it that way. Aware of my lack of reaching out, I wrote someone yesterday. I'll do more today. Like this! I will not let Covid turn me further inwards!!And frankly, I appear to be a "leading health expert"
I read that and I thought, you're a leading everything expert.Since we can't do lunch right now, you never regret texting. Or just reaching out. Or just answering questions.
This is an annoyingly-common mistake. Fundamentally, I enjoy sharing the stuff that I know and strive diligently to STFU about stuff I don't. If you look at relationships slightly askance you'll recognize that they're all transactional. There's a certain dirtiness to the word, though, that also implies they're zero-sum or negative-sum and they're not. I surmised a couple decades ago that friends are people you can obligate because it's those obligations that make a friendship. It was about the time I stopped saying "hey wanna see something" and started saying "hey can I show you something" because it puts the onus of the ask on the asker. What's the phrase? A friend will help you move, a good friend will help you move a body? Graeber argued that the favor economy predated the money economy by thousands of years and is fundamentally healthier for everyone. If you look at it as an economy, the whole purpose is to generate revenue. A bunch of people doing favors for each other create a surplus of favors. A former co-teacher has called you several times to ask for stuff. You welcomed the opportunity to help her out, demonstrate your expertise, accept her accolades and thanks and further cement the bond between you. I say that's "transactional" but also highly desirable, virtuous and the fundamental basis of most of the good stuff in life. I stopped talking to my best friend about a year ago. I have effectively cut him out of my life. It has never been a symmetrical relationship but he demonstrated that the potential positives for interacting with him were really sparse and utterly unpredictable while the potential negatives were a cliff-face of loss. If I think of the betrayal I get angry. If I think of the costs-benefits analysis I dispassionately cut him off. interactions and favors allow both parties to demonstrate "this is why you matter to me." Healthy relationships generate surplus goodwill. What I've noticed is that I'm seldom rebuffed for reaching out, which makes it easier to do. It's still exhausting sometimes but I never regret it.I read that and I thought, you're a leading everything expert.
That's an attitude that I appreciate and what makes the things you do say more reliable. Meanwhile, I went and read the situation with your friend and his wedding. I totally agree that all relationships are transactional in the sense that we should examine whether a friendship makes our lives better or worse and to let go of the ones that make our lives worse -- or, if not let go of them -- not feel trapped in those friendships: understand that we're making a choice to continue. Re two things you wrote: I love the difference between, "hey, wanna see something" and "hey, can I show you something." and this line from the "stopped talking" story: I love both those statements because they show an awareness of the many ways we conduct our transactions and that awareness makes us more in control of our responses to interpersonal difficulties. It's so important, I think, ultimately for happiness. "It" meaning awareness of the impact our transactions have on others and on ourself. Anyway, As I've said on this website before, there are friends who are your friends and friends who are your caseload.I enjoy sharing the stuff that I know and strive diligently to STFU about stuff I don't.
I was in the process of drafting my response, as carefully and concisely as I could, when it boiled over. I was doing the thing that had the least impact for him, not for me. So I called him up . . .
It's the why of the caseload that matters. Maybe ten years ago I started yearning for the chance to talk to fifteen-year-old me. Tell me it was all going to work out, tell me that the problems I was dealing with resolved okay, tell me that despite it all I fuckin' made it. It took me another eight years to realize that every orphan I'd taken under my wing as Reddit/Hubski's Father Confessor wasn't benefiting from my altruism, they were serving as proxies for my teenaged self. Which is not to say they didn't benefit. I doubt these relationships would exist if they weren't mutually beneficial. But the benefit to myself was obscured in a heavy blanket of adolescent fog-of-war. Explaining to others allows you to clarify your ideas for yourself. Tending to others can be a form of self-care. There are probably social workers who aren't emotional basket cases but I haven't met them; ultimately I have an easier time caring for others because their value is self-evident while my own well-being is near zero.
I don't quite understand the last sentence. Do you mean that you have an easier time caring for others when you are feeling shaky about yourself -- because what you are saying to them or helping them with helps strengthen you -- if that's it, then, yes, I see that. I also agree that we do get something out of the friendships that seem like work. On some days, that person might be just the one to get us out on a walk.