My father is a pretty self contained guy who also follows his sense of whimsy. He's not as adept at social stuff as I am. I might take after him in a way. My youth was intellectually stimulating in that I was expose to a fair amount of art, culture, news and had access to a lot of literature. My friends were pretty diverse and had broad interest all the way from when I can first remember until now. Many of the neighborhoods I grew up in were a bit callous. Kids could be mean spirited and violent in their play. It bread a thick skin. My mother was out of bounds harsh and controlling from about age twelve to the point escaped her clutches at nineteen. I think it was pretty formative, building up a wall between who I was and what people try to impose on me. There was a hardness and resilience in me before this point but this time in my life hardened my heart to the opinion of others. I was pretty socially inept until I waited on a few thousand tables in my twenties. I learned that most people don't really care who you are aside from how you make them feel or what kind of energy you push at them. Punk rock probably helped me live for me and care less about the world and it's expectations. You wrote about an incident where you refused a gift from your peers. Next time accept. Accept because it's the kind thing for you to do. By accepting you would have given a gift to your peers. Your energy would be that of acceptance. Every time one of them looked at you they would to some small extent feel their own generosity reflected back at them, you would be to some extent a bigger piece of their world than before. I should have said this at the time you wrote it. This pain tires me, it hurts me, it's my shame when I don't try to help it to smooth it, to make it avoidable. This pain is my pain and I hate it, it's my shame and so I didn't say something at the time. All my most shameful moments are rooted in not facing the these pains. So next time accept the gift. None of your peers care who you are, they care about how you make them feel. They feel that you are apart from them, it's painful an awkward for all of you and they gave you a gift to make it less so. They care about the energy you give to them and how you make them feel, so next time accept the gift.
I gave a thought to the last paragraph. The spirit of your message is something I agree with. It is something I aim to practice because I believe it as well. However, I don't believe it's applicable in this particular situations. Yes, it must make them awkward that I'm so left out. It is, however, because of their attitude that I am to begin with. I believed that my group is supposed to be my second family, and so I tried very hard to blend in, to make contact, to build bridges. None of it mattered much: I was still that weird guy who keeps talking weird shit. I know that because whenever I said or did something that went against the group's idea, I was lashed out at and made a scapegoat out of. Despite providing my best help and advice, I was never respected or even accepted as a member of the group. My friends and people I care about will always receive my kindness, as much as I can afford to give, whatever the circumstances. My uni group has lost this privilege with me over time. The moment of refusal was me acting on my convictions. I've extended my hand for too long and got it bitten too often to want to reconcile. I can't afford being kind to those who are unkind to me. I have too little energy for that, and I still want to live.
I have many questions about your comment... What does that mean? In what way? How did you escape? How did your mother react to that? Any particular ideas that crossed your mind as you were waiting the tables? Something you can share? In what way? As for last paragraph... I feel like I have a decent response to that, but I've been feeling antagonistic over the last couple of days - not towards you but in general - and I feel like I'd rather wait a while to respond to that. I'll reply again once I have a well-enough-formed response.My father is a pretty self contained guy
He's not as adept at social stuff as I am. I might take after him in a way.
My mother was out of bounds harsh and controlling from about age twelve to the point escaped her clutches at nineteen.
I was pretty socially inept until I waited on a few thousand tables in my twenties. I learned that most people don't really care who you are aside from how you make them feel or what kind of energy you push at them.
Punk rock probably helped me live for me and care less about the world and it's expectations.
My Dad doesn't need or want many other people in his life. He mostly just quietly goes through his public life, lives in his home and his mind. I defied my mother, even if I meant that I was ruining my life and happiness. I moved out the house around age 19 and only landed back at home twice once for a month and the other time for a handful of months. My parents were pretty cool with me being gone, it wasn't a happy house with me living under their roof, defying their rules. While waiting table I tried to figure out what people wanted from me. does that person need something, is it napkins, another drink? Bring them napkins without having them ask, go up to the table and ask the person if they are ready for another drink than ask the rest of the table if they need anything. Do they want a silent hand? Do they want to chat? What section of the news paper do they have on top? Sport, cool I could give a fuck but I read it before my shift so I could carry a decent conversation about it. So they like some sass, hell I'll make fun of you if that's what your looking for. What part of who I'm pretending to be is working for what types of people, work on my one liners, work on my chatter, be fucking natural about it. Can I talk these guys into a round of shots? Would the guy who looks like he's going to pick up the check be happier if he gets to be the big man getting everyone sloshed and spreading his money around? Learn to never show that a mean or rude person is getting under my skin, never take a bad to tip the next table, my bad attitude will kill that table as well. Get to the point that I'm not worried about showing it because it doesn't bother me anymore. Try to focus love at each table, watch them respond better, they are loved and it feels good, they give me their money. Think about how boring the whole act has gotten start working at bars where I can tell assholes to fuck off, enjoy myself more and make better money than I did before. Punk rock is anti-authoritarian, anti-consumer society, anti-propaganda, bohemian. It helped me understand that many of the constraints with which society tries to enslave us and the approbation of our peers for not towing the line are mostly self imposed prisons that we can choose to be fettered by or not. Sorry for not responding more quickly, i didn't notice your response in my in box or I would have.
Don't worry. We're not chasing anyone. Thank you for replying in such detail. So, you played a character while at work? How did it affect your life outside it?Sorry for not responding more quickly, i didn't notice your response in my in box or I would have.
What part of who I'm pretending to be is working for what types of people