how it might play out
October Surprise
In October 2016, voters in the United States find they can choose among:
• The Blue Team: A career politician, former Secretary of State, and longtime Washington insider, with all the baggage such a resume entails. It is widely believed that the candidate has a congenital variation in the 23rd chromosome unknown among previous presidents. Most commentators consider this genetic irregularity irrelevant to the office, but the candidate sometimes implies that it confers advantage.
• The Red Team: A real estate developer who attempts to bankrupt the opposition's propaganda machine by providing attack ad material faster than anyone can process it.
• A mountain climber.
• Someone else.
The outcome is uncertain.
There are no further surprises.
November 4: Approval ratings for the mountain climber soar by 50% to mid-single digits after video circulates online showing his response to an interview question about Updog.
November 5: Someone using a social media account with the name D. B. Cooper II, representing a group called "Power of Strength," claims to have abducted a number of "illegal citizens" and threatens to kill one every day until a package containing 1000 unmarked bitcoins is delivered by unmanned drone to the coordinates 44.44N 111.1W. The real estate developer declines to condemn the act, describing it as "plucky."
November 6: The vote-swapping site makeminecount.org promises to "teleport" 24,500 votes to swing states.
November 7: Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary Sergey Ivanovich Kislyak offers to provide Russian inspectors to ensure a fair election.
Election Day
1:42 p.m. The governor of Colorado asks voters to "think twice, vote once" and tells CNN that anyone who sent a mail-in ballot and also votes in person is "just making it that much harder for democracy."
4:19 p.m. A Florida election official issues an "urgent request" that any citizen with a Zoom Pocket Modem contact the Florida Elections Commission immediately.
7:00 p.m. Internet traffic slows to a crawl as the domain name system is attacked by an army of baby monitors.
10:17 p.m. makeminecount.org claims to have "saved" Ohio by importing thousands of Blue votes from other states.
11:24 p.m. A Florida election official announces that the state will "probably" go to the Red Team. Asked about reported irregularities in some precincts, the official says "We have a hand in it—a handle on it."
November 9
1:21 a.m. A representative of the National Popular Vote Interstate Compact announces that votes in Florida "don't count" and instructs members to "initiate the plan."
2:04 a.m. Google Trends show a spike in searches for "faithless elector."
2:40 a.m. Texas secedes from the United States, announcing that it is now the Lone Star Nation State. D. B. Cooper II requests asylum.
3:45 a.m. The president claims "I am in control here" in a White House press conference.
4:28 a.m. The real estate developer makes an unannounced landing in a Boeing 757 at Joint Base Andrews outside Washington, D.C., escorted by F-16s. A live streamed video depicts him shouting "make way for the commander in chief" as he departs in a motorcade.
5:00 a.m. Agitated crowds around the White House boo Secret Service officers who refuse to open barricades on Pennsylvania Avenue. The motorcade proceeds past the Ronald Reagan Building and International Trade Center to 1100 Pennsylvania Avenue.
5:12 a.m. Blue Team officials launch a fireworks display over the Hudson River.
5:30 a.m. The real estate developer appears with a bullhorn in the 315-foot clock tower of the Old Post Office Pavilion, throwing cigars to cheering crowds on the street.
8:00 a.m. Google Trends show increased searches for "CIT 0001."
How about "the 427 becomes impassible as fleeing Americans begin walking to the city centre, already in a daze from the election and now stunned by the lack of subway access to YYZ."
Edit: it's been a couple years since I've been to Toronto. Has the metro been extended?
Kind of. We now have the UP express or the PU express , depending what direction you're going. Yes, finally rapid transit over and underground from downtown to the airport.
The train didn't attract the millions of riders that they expected so
- A new fare structure was introduced on March 9, 2016, which reduced the one-way ticket price between Union and Pearson from $27.50 to $12.00 cash, and from $19.00 to $9.00 with a Presto car.
Trivia and Easter eggs
The mountain climber, who fumbled the interview question by responding “What's Aleppo?” was of course Gary Johnson, but I forgot that the “someone else” was Green Party candidate Jill Stein, running with Ajamu Baraka who described Bernie Sanders as “media-driven pseudo-opposition” and “an ideological prop… of the logic and interests of the capitalist-imperialist settler state.” Instead of him we got Pence.
D. B. Cooper was, of course, the hijacker. “Power of strength” was part of a notorious quote: “When the students poured into Tiananmen Square, the Chinese government almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but they put it down with strength. That shows you the power of strength. Our country is right now perceived as weak.”
Bitcoin was about US$700 at the time.
44.44N 111.1W is just off a National Forest Development Road inside a small sliver of land where Yellowstone National Park overlaps Wyoming. According to a Michigan State University law professor, any crime committed in this area could not be prosecuted.
The site is gone now, but MakeMineCount.org (motto: “Everybody wins. Except Trump.”) was a real site where one could arrange to swap votes with another voter, to try and push swing states toward the desired direction.
Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary is a real title.
There were a handful of double-voting incidents in Colorado.
A 2015 report said that Florida election officials had to buy Zoom Pocket Modems on eBay to keep voting machines in order.
- Ken Terry, from Allen County, Ohio, told us that he feels like he is living in a technological time warp. When he ordered “Zip Disks” for his central tabulator, the package included literature that was more than a decade old. “When we purchased new Zip Disks in 2012, they had a coupon in the package that expired in 1999.”
The Internet of Things meltdown in October 2016 was apparently caused by a Minecraft scam.
The National Popular Vote Interstate Compact is, to my amazement, real. Participating members of the Electoral College pledge to be faithless when it appears that the popular vote will not be decisive. “I’m afraid the election is going to be rigged, I have to be honest.”
The Republic of Texas was a soverign country from 1836 to 1846. The Six Flags amusement park is named to recognize the various authorities in Texas over the years.
“I am in control here” was the famous claim by Secretary of State Alexander Haig when Ronald Reagan was shot.
From the White House it is a short drive down Pennsylvania Avenue to the Old Post Office which, after years of neglect, was converted into a Trump-branded hotel at 1100 Penn.
The Clinton campaign cancelled a fireworks display scheduled for 9:30 p.m.
CIT 0001 is the application for Canadian citizenship.
Is this original material? Awesome. You may want to write for The Onion.
Oh yeah, I heard as a gesture to demonstrate allegiance with the Real Estate Developer, Justin Trudeau denounces Detroit as "Canada's Tijuana". The Ambassador Bridge is removed and the Windsor-Detroit tunnel filled in.