"Yeah, so since you called us and said you wanted to make this deal happen, 'whatever it takes,' we've regurgitated the Letter of Intent you offered us three months ago so that everything's the same except that instead of doing $100k worth of tenant improvement, we'll handle that and instead you give us six months free rent on a five year lease. How's that sound?" "Super great. Only, instead of $14/sf/yr, I think I'm going to charge you $16/sf/year. Here, sign on the dotted line." "Uhm... what the fuck?" "Yeah, well last time I was going to gouge you on construction costs and since I can't do that, I have to gouge you on rent." "See, here in this document you created you said 'anywhere between zero and total.' We're going to go with 'zero.' So I repeat: what the fuck?" "Well, everything else in the building is rented for more, and I was giving you a deal at $14." "Well, you haven't rented shit since the last time we talked and, gentle reminder, YOU APPROACHED US. Also, we came in at $15 and you lowered it to $14. Remember that?" "Uh, no, actually." "Here. We keep documents." "Oh. Well, I'm not actually advertising the space for that little." "Oh. Well, actually you aren't advertising the space at all anymore. Remember? You came to US." "Well, I never advertised it that low." "Actually, dipshit, here's your flyer where you advertised it for $12-18. That's why we came in at $15. Because we were trying to be equitable. But fuck me, right?" "Uhm... let me get back to you." "You do that, uber-choad." FUCKING COMMERCIAL BROKERS NEED TO DIE IN A FIRE Combine that with the fact that I'm packing (and officially unemployed!) and the only true joy in my life at the moment is chasing my daughter and watching Volkswagen roast on a spit. I'll share this little joy: ring ring "Los Angeles Bureau of Street Services, how can I help you?" "Uhm... yeah, so my moving company says I need some no parking signs for the street so they can park a truck and not charge me a thousand dollars for shuttle fees and I'm trying to do that online but your "login page" has no "create new account" section. So how do I do that?" "Really? That's weird. Let me put you on hold." click. ... ring ring "Los Angeles Bureau of Street Services, how can I help you?" "Uhhh, yeah, the other lady hung up on me when I asked how to log into your page." "Which page are you trying to log into?" "The 'house move permit' part." "What are you trying to do, exactly?" "Well, uhm, move from Los Angeles to Seattle." "Okay. You don't want to log in to our page. That's a permit for literally moving a house." "Damn." "Yeah. Here, let me get you the number of the people you want - " "How many calls like this do you get a day? 'cuz Google points right at LA311, and LA311 points right at you." "Too many." "Have you thought about changing your webpage?" "You mean the webpage talking about our new business hours in 2010 in flashing Myspace fonts?" "That's the one." "Honey, if we had any control over our own webpage we wouldn't be having this discussion."