Fortunately it's not clinical depression. It's purely circumstantial. When I'm talking to friends on the phone, I feel great. When I'm out in nature, I feel great. Shoot, when I'm doing chores around the house, I'm not exactly having fun, but I don't feel awful about it either. My about work, the frustration and despair, solely revolves around that place and just how absolute garbage it is.
I genuinely try my best to try and focus on the positives, I really do, by focusing on the positives that I can control. I do my best to make sure it's a safe and healthy workplace, both physically and emotionally. I do everything I can to make my coworkers feel appreciated and supported and genuinely valued every time I'm there. I love training new people, sharing what I've picked up over the years, in fact, I think training new people is probably my favorite thing to do. But it all only goes so far.
The advice helps, it genuinely does, if only to have another sounding board. Philosophically speaking, I guess, I don't know, as difficult as all this is for me, and it has been for years, I think the negative emotions focused around my job are good. I mean, on the one hand, they keep motivating me to just keep trying to get the fuck out. But I think more importantly, we can't live blindly to the fact that to a large extent we are what we do. I mean, part of the reason the world is so messed up is because people say and do messed up things without ever giving anything a second though, without ever realizing the impacts of their choices, or worse, realizing and not caring. My work is crumby, the role my job plays in society is crumby, but at least I know it and am trying to do something about it. It's a small comfort, but there's still comfort in being able to say "at least I'm trying."