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comment by bhrgunatha

I don't know what advice to give you. I've learned in recent years how insidious depression can be and that many (most?) people seem to think you can just think your way out of it. Here I mean depression as diagnosed by experts.

First, a very serious point here.

Have you seen a doctor/psychiatrist/professional about depression?

Will you if I ask you to?

Brain chemistry is crucial. A couple of hundred micrograms of acid can seriously fuck up you mind for 12 hours, what to say about a natural mis-balance over months or years?


"But... big pharma?"

Fuck that. My niece slashed the fuck out of her arms and torso and was later diagnosed and treated by some relatively mild CHEMICALS, MAN. Her whole outlook changed because she had a complex mis-balance of chemical made by her own brain.

It took several adjustments to the medicine she was prescribed, but it worked.

Having said that and if it's not depression or similar, I'd make a couple of counterpoints in the hope they might be useful to you.

    I see so much wrong in the world...

Yes, there are massive global problems that (as individuals) we can't control. If you can't control it, don't focus your attention on it. You always have a choice of what to focus your attention on and we're addicted to focussing on the negative. When you pay attention to anything it grows in your mind. Don't feed the mental monsters. Easier said than done, cvhangin your mental habits is a long, slow process. The only way I know to do this is to consciously choose to focus your attention elsewhere - whether that's through meditation or some new activity or when you catch yourself focussing too much on those things beyond your control, focus on something else. It takes a lot of time and mental effort, but you're giving your subconscious instructions what you want to think about and it will respond, but not immediately.

    I just don't know if it'll ever end.

Our attitude and mental state do change naturally. External conditions change too even when we have no control over them.

That doesn't make them any less dangerous or serious, but it's all in flux of varying degrees.

It can be very hard to see that when you're affected by it though, whether it's a positive state ("whoo life is great - I've never been happier, I've discovered the meaning to life...") or a negative state, like the one you;re in right now. Sometimes just knowinf that gives you a boost to see you through. Sometimes not, but it's mostly true.

Sorry, I'm not very good with practical advice, more namby pamby philosophical shit.

And I'm just a liberal wanker on the internet, but I hope it helps.

user-inactivated  ·  121 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Fortunately it's not clinical depression. It's purely circumstantial. When I'm talking to friends on the phone, I feel great. When I'm out in nature, I feel great. Shoot, when I'm doing chores around the house, I'm not exactly having fun, but I don't feel awful about it either. My about work, the frustration and despair, solely revolves around that place and just how absolute garbage it is.

I genuinely try my best to try and focus on the positives, I really do, by focusing on the positives that I can control. I do my best to make sure it's a safe and healthy workplace, both physically and emotionally. I do everything I can to make my coworkers feel appreciated and supported and genuinely valued every time I'm there. I love training new people, sharing what I've picked up over the years, in fact, I think training new people is probably my favorite thing to do. But it all only goes so far.

The advice helps, it genuinely does, if only to have another sounding board. Philosophically speaking, I guess, I don't know, as difficult as all this is for me, and it has been for years, I think the negative emotions focused around my job are good. I mean, on the one hand, they keep motivating me to just keep trying to get the fuck out. But I think more importantly, we can't live blindly to the fact that to a large extent we are what we do. I mean, part of the reason the world is so messed up is because people say and do messed up things without ever giving anything a second though, without ever realizing the impacts of their choices, or worse, realizing and not caring. My work is crumby, the role my job plays in society is crumby, but at least I know it and am trying to do something about it. It's a small comfort, but there's still comfort in being able to say "at least I'm trying."

bhrgunatha  ·  121 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I feel you. Seriously.

You've clearly considered many, many options, but I've had analogous decisions to make in my own life and there are times when an unusual and radically different approach works well.

A lot of times those huge differences arise because of external circumstances, sometimes we're forced to endure them, other times a decision you make has profoundly unexpected consequences. And sometimes you have to make a conscious choice to make a severe change yourself.

Perhaps it's time to make a radical, conscious change in your work.

An anecdote. A close friend of mine divorced which ended up being the best thing for him.

Weirdly, not long after, one of my private students broke down in class. She'd been battling for some time to save her marriage. I explained about my friend's situation but she was vehemently opposed to divorce. A few months later, she and her husband were working towards reconciling. Actually seriously considering divorce somehow spurred her into finding a way to compromise. I've left out all the details but it was thinking the unthinkable that seemed to be the catalyst she needed. Something radical,

Sorry I can't offer anything concrete, only vague unactionable suggestions that are probably unfeasible.

user-inactivated  ·  120 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Perhaps it's time to make a radical, conscious change in your work.

I might have an in on a job though. I was discussing this all with a friend and it turns out their brother works at one of the garden centers I got turned down for the other year (small world of hours, huh?) so he's gonna ask him if there's anything that can be done. Put a good word in for me. It would be awesome if that was the case, cause it's literally my favorite garden center, if only because they have tons of artisan pots and lawn ornaments and to be surrounded not only by plants and weather, but hand made art? Dude.