I'm realizing that you get to make every mistake you want after you've sold that first book, after you're repped, after people are trusting your instincts rather than the instincts of every professional that disagrees with you. Still doesn't mean it's a good idea, but nobody is telling you "you can't do that because I said so" as if you were a toddler. Fleisch-Kinkaid on the above passage is 8.9. F-K on my last chapter was 7.6 or so. I aim to keep it under 8.
simply-written books sell better. Thing of it is, you don't need Byzantine sentence structure to convey complex ideas. In fact, the more you edit and proof the more clearly you can express yourself. There's a place for complexity and there's a place for voice, but it's also super-easy to confuse the fuck out of half your audience and that's no way to make a living.