I'm hiding most of it, often enough even from myself. I grew up in an abusive environment where being not what Mommy wants one to yields anything from a verbal backhand to childish fits of anger and/or tears. This and the part of the Russian culture that I grew up around - which is to say, the extension of what I had at home - made me a recluse and an outcast, a model of behavior which I internalized. I learned not to show any part of myself that I actually enjoyed because I was afraid of being rejected so much; still am, to an extent. It also led to the idea of me being somehow unfit to be if I think or feel this or that; I spent a lot of time in self-pity because I have little to know innate empathy (or it's just buried deep), which made me feel alien to others and, thus, inferior to them (which led to superiority complex... bad shit). Now, though, I've learned a bit of self-reliance and personal responsibility and I realize that, actually, I do have control over my life. To cut the story short, this feeling of being in control of my life gives me confidence and self-respect to follow my own better judgement and the rules I've written for myself to make my life better, and that allows me to express myself to a bigger extent even to those whose opinion I weigh high (which usually means I'd try to weasel my way into their approval in hopes of spoken compliments). This thing still persists, though. The other day I went to the university cafeteria and sat down next to my friend with the friends of hers whom I barely know. One of the friend's friends, a cheerful and open-hearted girl, asked me what my interests are. I could feel "BACK DOWN, SHE'S INVADING YOUR PRIVACY" yelling in the back of my head, which is how I react to lesser-known people being straightforward about wanting to learn something about me. I hesitated to reply and, instead, got by on the friends' suggestions. I know how to be confident - and I tried it a few times - but often enough I'm too stressed by whatever's around me (which I do unconsciously - I'm a drama queen) to go with it. Still, I'm working on it. Some days - like now, with me taking a rest from the university - are better, some days are worse; often enough, I can't even make ends meet, emotions-wise, because I so got used to bottling it up due to having no place to express myself and learn how to do it productively - which, I suppose, is the main reason why what I do sucks so much.
Hey, Fov (or was it Fove?). I appreciate it that you are checking up on me. The university thing got harder since I transfered to a different group. I'm still studying English, but on a higher skill level. One things that freaks me out is the grammar lessons, led by a nasty-ass teacher. I know I should treat teachers with respect, and I do, but this one is an asshole; not a single person in the group likes her, and we're all terrified to speak up during classes because she's got every insult in the world up her sleave. Right now I'm figuring how to deal with it; letting it go didn't help so far, because due to her insecurity I can't do any sort of proper research in the English grammar with any comfort. Barring that, I'm managing fairly well. Figuring stuff out. What I found out is that I gotta give myself free time whenever I need it; given that this interrupts my studying, this might pose a problem, because I need those rests. I gotta give preparing way beforehand a shot so that when the rest comes, I can relax. Right now there's some kind of several-days-long presentation on language and its aspects, and since it meant no studying for us, I decided to go to my hometown for a few days - those are the most refreshing and productive days I've had so far. I might want to switch for a different kind of studying, the kind whereby I study on my own for a while and come to the university to do the necessary exams (what's the English word for that?). How are you?
Good man - it's a constant battle but I feel you'll get better as you go along. Dealing with frustrating people is hard enough, even more so when they're your teachers... Is there someone above her you can go to, to at least get some concerns aired? Not too sure what the English word would be for the studying on your own and then going to University for the exam period - I did one paper by correspondence, where they sent me the information I had to learn and then completed the exam online , but that's not quite the situation here. However I think it's a good idea, if you think it would help then try it; being comfortable when studying is huge and more difficult than you'd initially think. I'm doing well thanks, work has been rather hectic - I'm looking at a bit of a change of role within the organization I work for. I'm currently a glorified Customer Service Rep, where I get paid a ludicrous amount for the work I have to do, but I don't see eye to eye with my Site Manager. She's aware I'm the best person in her team for getting the numerical outcomes she wants, but her methods of interacting with people leave me rather annoyed. Coupled with the fact that other members of my team said to me last week "We're glad you're standing upto her, we just don't have the backbone for it" had me thinking that perhaps I step backwards into a smaller role and advance into a different direction within the company. So I went and 'shadowed' someone in the technical unit last week and the environment was incredible, so warm and laid back. The manager there seems to want me on board, but he was concerned about how much of a pay cut I would have to take to join him. So some negotiating and wriggling to do there but overall, things are good. New Zealand just won the Rugby World Cup so I have been up watching the final this morning with my friends - the sun is out, might be a beach kind of day! Gym has been going well and I've started my summer sport escapades with a hiss and a roar - coupled with the art I've been working on and the odd girl in my life I've been a busy boy! Let me know how you get on with the studying plan and your difficult teacher.
You've been busy, indeed! Good things are going for you, and I'm glad for you. What kind of art have you been working on? Indeed. I've been talking with our group's curator about it. It was she that told me to try and pay no attention to it. There is, of course, the faculty dean and her committee. We'll have to wait until Tuesday to meet the teacher and possibly talk to her about it. I'm not sure if I can keep my head cool enough to have the most reasonable conversation, but I'll surely give it a shot. I'll let you know about how it went with a private message - is that alright with you?Is there someone above her you can go to, to at least get some concerns aired?
Art wise, just things for those close to me. I really like making things but lately I've found I become more inspired when I intend to give the end result to someone. I'll get a photo or two for you if you're interested. And absolutely, PM me when you know how things went.