Today is a very dear and old friend's birthday.

For a long time, he, a female friend (FT), and I were extremely close. We called ourselves "the trifecta."

Unfortunately, things between FT and me have fallen apart recently. FT repeatedly acted towards me in a way I initially found off-putting and eventually intolerable. Over time I aired my feelings and, ultimately, FT's actions became more intense and my reactions more vocal until finally I unequivocally stated they were not acceptable and I would no longer tolerate them. I felt FT should change her course. I also felt due an apology.

In lieu of apology FT has sub-tweeted at me, drawing me into a brief spat during which we both threw middle-school level insults, and which I believe she is now using as justification for her lack of apology or attempt to make amends. That's fine. Me calling FT fat does not negate or justify her behavior, nor does it mean I'm not due an apology for her actions. She may emotionally feel that way or decide to feel that way, but that doesn't mean she's right. It just means she has her excuse to not own up for her actions.

Sadly, old friend (OF) has been caught in the middle of all this. I think we both have been rather good about not forcing him to pick sides or in fact sharing much of the conflict in general.

But today is his birthday. And he invited me out to the bar where he's celebrating. I respectfully said no. I apologized, but said that if FT and I were in the same place, it wouldn't go well: either I'd ignore her the whole time I was there and she'd have a dramatic emotional drunk breakdown when I left, or I wouldn't ignore her while I was there and there'd be an altercation of some sort. OF understood, agreed with me, and doesn't want me to feel bad nor does he really blame me for my choice.

I still feel bad. I still wish I could be there.

On the other hand I feel if his birthday celebration is to remain about his birthday and his happiness, it's the right choice not to go.

We've talked about privately celebrating together and so on. We'll find a way to commemorate it and the length of our friendship (since high school) together. It doesn't stop me from feeling - badly? negatively? poorly? guilty? though.

Hubski, how do you deal with people who are friends with people you aren't?

We could get into an ideaological discussion about how, depending on how heinous FT's actions were, he should choose not to be friends with her. But relationships are long and complicated. FT's actions are heinous but there is a nuance to them, and a reason they are directed mostly at me, that is hard to explain and not worth it, to me, to justify or backstory with the whole internet as an audience. So let it be said I do not blame him for continuing to be friends with this person, nor do I think he should not be friends with her, nor do I think "stop being friends with those who are friends with shitty people" is an answer. I have multiple friends who are friends with people I do not like or even cannot stand. It is not my place to say who should be friends with whom. It is not my place to judge another person for those relationships, mostly.

I would just like to know how to wrangle situations that arise from such tangled interrelated webs we weave as these. Or at least, some advice. And to not feel so bad or to worry that I've made his birthday more about me and my conflict than him and his happiness.