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comment by daltonslaw
daltonslaw  ·  3268 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Today's writing prompt: The Middle

  I wake up in someone else's bed. What surprises me here is that I'm fully clothed, I didn't even take my sweater off. I look to the door, and remember a bit more about the night before. There was a girl,  I think her name was Françoise, she was very nice, we ended up talking until somewhere around 4 a.m. Poor girl. Her parents are away right now, so, as anyone she's making a mess of the house. I get out of bed and once again look around the room. There's a couple of posters here and there, I see one of La Femme, a band I really like, one of a modern art exhibition in the Musée d'Orsay, and one of a corrida de toros in Mexico City. I giggle a little at that one, since it's my father's hometown. I remember going there as a kid, having lots of fun, cheering the toreros along, and then going to eat birria, made from some of the bulls.

  She comes in the room. She already showered, so most of her make-up is already cleared away, apart from some of her eyeliner. She actually looks better that way. I smile and say "Good morning." She smiles back and calls me to breakfast. We have cereal in silence, but she still grins. I ask her why. "It's the first time I've ever spent the night with a guy, you know, all night." I blush and smile back. "Did we, you know..." I ask. "No, I don't think so, we would probably have woken up naked then, wouldn't we?" I nod, and look around. The house is oddly tidy, with a couple of cigarette burns here and there. I look back at her, and notice her face a bit more. She has bright green eyes and strawberry blonde hair, not too rare down here, but certainly appreciated. I ask where she's from, she says she's from Caen, hence the accent. I say I'm from Lyon. She asks for my last name, "Fierro," I respond. She asks where it's from. I say my dad's Mexican. 

  She gets up and tells me to come with her. We go back to her room. She takes off her clothes. She tells me to do the same. I comply. I ask her what she's getting at. She tells me to come by her. I lay down with her. She puts my arms around her waist. She tells me to close my eyes and my mouth, and just enjoy the silence.




Isherwood  ·  3268 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Great, I like this one much more.

    We have cereal in silence, but she still grins. I ask her why. "It's the first time I've ever spent the night with a guy, you know, all night." I blush and smile back. "Did we, you know..." I ask. "No, I don't think so, we would probably have woken up naked then, wouldn't we?" I nod, and look around. The house is oddly tidy, with a couple of cigarette burns here and there.

This is a nice little passage. We get to see the characters a bit more, what it feels like to spend the night with the other sex for the first time, made all the more meaningful because it was just that shared experience of the night. I also get a bit more feeling about the space, which was cleaned by some good samaritan but, for those who looked, was still forever changed.

It's actually a neat little parallel to your character, Fran (I don't have the fancy C). It's not a big change she's going through but it's certainly a milestone in her life and a few of the other people who have passed may notice she has as well. This is the kind of thing I like to read and put into stories, hooks that tie settings to feelings. It's also how I add that emotion I'm all about, in my life I'm a little emotionally distant so I'm always relying on parables to try to get close to what's going on inside.

You definitely have a start writing style, simple language and short sentences, and I think it works for you. I also think you can use that style to dig deeper into people, cut through the flowery language and really get down to some core truths.

Great job, I'm glad to have you as a writer.