Sir, you win. Everything. Forever.

That said, I do have a tale told to me about a friend of a friend (no, really). He met this lady at a bar, they hit it off, and she invited him back to her place. He's very happy with this because he thinks he's going to get laid. When he walks in, the place has this eerie mood lighting and he can't see shit. He goes to sit down on the sofa when he realizes there's something already there. He jumps up and as his eyes adjust he makes out someone hooked up to feeding tubes and a ventilator. The lady must have noticed his surprise because she said, "What's the matter, haven't you seen a special needs child before?" It turns out she had this kid who she was keeping alive on all these machines so she could collect a welfare check from the government.

At this point a trucker randomly shows up at the door and the lady lets him in. Our man is thoroughly freaked out at this point. As if the "special needs child" weren't bad enough, this trucker has turned up and it was never supposed to be a three-way deal. So he makes his excuses and gets the hell out of there, but as he's making his retreat the lady calls after him, "If the noise from the feeding tubes is bugging you, I can turn them off!"