- You always see me as something I'm not
Quiet as the grave upon which we swore ourselves
Timid like a chittering squirrel, indecisive
Like a housecat lurking about a ball of yarn
Not coiled and ready and strong
Not solemn and steady but wronged
Irredeemable
-
And I see you as an ideal
Not an angel or a princess or--
No, simply something to live up to
Something to wish for and never attain
A grail, a snowcapped mountaintop
The tallest tree in the darkest forest
Unassailable
-
Yet ... tender is the night
For all our crimes it forgives us
Time after time after heartbreak
How it beckons even now, but I am firm--
And then you bite your lip
And I am lost to your embrace
Irreplaceable
good night, hubski
'on which' instead of 'upon which'? Timidly, squirly, and indecisive"? It's a great draft. If you modify the rhythm, though, you could make the structure for a few more verses! I really do like the codas at the end of each stanza.Quiet as the grave upon which we swore ourselves
"Quite as the grave we swore on
There's a lot of things I like about it: the squirrel, the housecat, the way wronged and strong rhyme (and grail, attain, assail) (and all those hard b's in the third stanza), because restraint is hard and you bite your lip. It sounds a little unrequited, if it weren't for the embrace! ahh the embrace. Have fun flags.