You are now playing the worst version of Zork

You enter the garage. It is oddly silent. You realize the pool pump is not working.

CHECK DISPLAY

The display is dark. While it is not likely to get below freezing again, if it does you run a substantial risk of burst plumbing under concrete, and it will be expensive.

CHECK BREAKER

The breaker has not cycled.

CYCLE BREAKER

The pump does not start.

CHECK OUTLET

The outlet, which you put in, is a hard-wired armored whiptail.

LOOSEN OUTLET

The screws are very long. You turn and turn and turn, cursing whoever standardized on slotted head screws-

CANCEL

LOOSEN PUMP COVER PANEL

The panel is off.

CHECK VOLTAGE

You measure zero voltage between either leg.

STARE, WOUNDED, AT BREAKER PANEL

The panel stares back. It is a Leviton Smart Panel, so it stares back with intelligent malevolence.

CALL ELECTRICIAN

She does not answer.

CALL LEVITON

Leviton puts you in a call queue.

REMEMBER THAT MY 2.4GHz SMART HOUSE NETWORK IS NOW LIVE

It is! You could actually put these breakers on the network! Maybe that would allow you to diagnose the problem!

ROOT AROUND FOR SMART BREAKER INSTRUCTIONS

You find them. In Spanish.

SEARCH INTERNET

You discover that you have to press a button. The button is under the cover.

PULL COVER

It nearly falls on you.

PULL ALL THE COVERS

None of this is fun but you get through it. Leviton is calling.

ANSWER PHONE

They tell you that if the breaker is dead you should replace it. Also it doesn't matter what order you enroll these devices in. They do not make fun of you for having six of them. They mention that pulling the offending breaker and putting it back after a minute may help.

PULL AND REPLACE BREAKER

Nothing happens.

CHECK VOLTAGE AT BREAKER

you measure nothing.

CHECK VOLTAGE AT SUBPANEL

you measure nothing.

CHECK FOR POPPED BREAKER AT MAIN PANEL

You see no popped breakers

FLAIL AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT FOR HALF AN HOUR

Who are you shouting at, exactly?

CHECK FOR POPPED BREAKER AGAIN

There are no obviously popped breakers. However, you have two labeled "cooktop". Both are 60A. One is off. Perhaps this is because there's raw wire in the kitchen whose purpose was never clear.

FLIP COOKTOP BREAKER

You hear the sound of a pump! Hooray! You are reminded that none of the breakers were labeled logically, and when the electricians replaced the panels they transliterated a number of things!

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT LET'S LABEL THEM

I don't know how to do that

DOWNLOAD LEVITON APP

sign up for an account!

SIGN UP

have you pressed the button? Do you see a blinking green light?

YES

How big is your breaker?

42 SLOTS

Would you like me to search for breakers?

YES

Congrats! I just found every breaker in the house! Shall I add them all to this one panel?

FUCK

I don't know how to do that

LET ME SHOW YOU MUTHERFUCKER