You are now playing the worst version of Zork
You enter the garage. It is oddly silent. You realize the pool pump is not working.
CHECK DISPLAY
The display is dark. While it is not likely to get below freezing again, if it does you run a substantial risk of burst plumbing under concrete, and it will be expensive.
CHECK BREAKER
The breaker has not cycled.
CYCLE BREAKER
The pump does not start.
CHECK OUTLET
The outlet, which you put in, is a hard-wired armored whiptail.
LOOSEN OUTLET
The screws are very long. You turn and turn and turn, cursing whoever standardized on slotted head screws-
CANCEL
LOOSEN PUMP COVER PANEL
The panel is off.
CHECK VOLTAGE
You measure zero voltage between either leg.
STARE, WOUNDED, AT BREAKER PANEL
The panel stares back. It is a Leviton Smart Panel, so it stares back with intelligent malevolence.
CALL ELECTRICIAN
She does not answer.
CALL LEVITON
Leviton puts you in a call queue.
REMEMBER THAT MY 2.4GHz SMART HOUSE NETWORK IS NOW LIVE
It is! You could actually put these breakers on the network! Maybe that would allow you to diagnose the problem!
ROOT AROUND FOR SMART BREAKER INSTRUCTIONS
You find them. In Spanish.
SEARCH INTERNET
You discover that you have to press a button. The button is under the cover.
PULL COVER
It nearly falls on you.
PULL ALL THE COVERS
None of this is fun but you get through it. Leviton is calling.
ANSWER PHONE
They tell you that if the breaker is dead you should replace it. Also it doesn't matter what order you enroll these devices in. They do not make fun of you for having six of them. They mention that pulling the offending breaker and putting it back after a minute may help.
PULL AND REPLACE BREAKER
Nothing happens.
CHECK VOLTAGE AT BREAKER
you measure nothing.
CHECK VOLTAGE AT SUBPANEL
you measure nothing.
CHECK FOR POPPED BREAKER AT MAIN PANEL
You see no popped breakers
FLAIL AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT FOR HALF AN HOUR
Who are you shouting at, exactly?
CHECK FOR POPPED BREAKER AGAIN
There are no obviously popped breakers. However, you have two labeled "cooktop". Both are 60A. One is off. Perhaps this is because there's raw wire in the kitchen whose purpose was never clear.
FLIP COOKTOP BREAKER
You hear the sound of a pump! Hooray! You are reminded that none of the breakers were labeled logically, and when the electricians replaced the panels they transliterated a number of things!
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT LET'S LABEL THEM
I don't know how to do that
DOWNLOAD LEVITON APP
sign up for an account!
SIGN UP
have you pressed the button? Do you see a blinking green light?
YES
How big is your breaker?
42 SLOTS
Would you like me to search for breakers?
YES
Congrats! I just found every breaker in the house! Shall I add them all to this one panel?
FUCK
I don't know how to do that
LET ME SHOW YOU MUTHERFUCKER
You are standing in front of a Leviton 42-inch Structured Data Center. It is full of seventeen points of CAT5e and CAT6, fiber-fed, UPS-powered, with an amp in it. You have laboriously connected this thing but it is now time to terminate everything so that it can be clean. All of your connections have passed QC with the exception of the one that read "SHORT" yesterday.
CHECK AGAIN
It still says "short", dumbass. What were you expecting?
CUT CAT5 JACK
The recently-crimped end of a CAT5 Jack falls to the ground with a satisfying "snip."
RE-TERMINATE CAT5 JACK
You arrange your orange-stripedorange-green-stripedblue-blue-stripedgreen-brown-stripedbrown extravaganza as you have a hundred times before. You hear a knock at the door.
ANSWER DOOR
It's the electrician. She wants to talk about moving a bunch of wire, per your request.
TALK TO ELECTRICIAN
Looks like this is all happening Tuesday. Oddly enough the breaker that popped is 100A, which is troubling. The electrician assures you that adventures will commence shortly.
GET BACK TO WHAT I WAS DOING
You terminate the CAT5 Jack.
TEST CAT5 JACK
It still says "short."
EXAMINE KEYSTONE CONNECTOR
Definitely not shorted there.
STARE DISCONSOLATELY AT THIS MISADVENTURE TO CONTEMPLATE PULLING MORE FUCKING CAT5E
The wire stares back mockingly.
TUG ON WIRES
The connector that is shorted is clearly not one of the ones that goes in the direction it should.
TUG ON WIRES FOR ANOTHER HALF HOUR ANYWAY
You have failed to transmutate the wire you need into the wire you want. Do you want to continue?
TUG ON WIRE FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION
Congratulations you have created 18 inches of slack. The wire you are attempting to re-run is not the one you are testing.
WTF HOW
I don't know how to do that.
HOW CAN I CONNECT TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CAT5 CABLES AND READ "SHORT"
You... ARE running a PoE to 5V Adapter one one of these bad boys, jackass.
OH FUCK THAT'S WHY IT THINKS THERE'S A SHORT BETWEEN PINS 2 AND 7
Is that a question?
YOU'RE NOT ZORK
And you're not really playing. Shall we call it even?
