Fuck the good stuff.

My mother blew up every bit of scaffolding around her that she could reach. Spitefully. To illustrate that she has the juice. On the plus side I managed to get her in a situation where the people who house her and feed her and do her laundry and clean her living quarters can continue to keep her safe. But she tore apart every bit of forward progress I'd made on keeping her surrounded by the stuff that matters to her in an environment she can live in.

My sister explained the situation to my father, while also observing that I was basically washing my hands of the mess. My father backed me up entirely - to her. Explained what a shitty childhood I had in comparison to her own - to her. Went over the gaps in my upbringing that weren't present in hers - to her. Twenty minutes of "kb had a rough time, actually, and this is far more noble than he has any obligation to be to any of us" - to her. To me? He picks up the phone when I call and slams it back down again. Which illustrates that he understands what he's done to me? But he's utterly disinterested in acknowledging it.

I'm back on blood pressure medication. The constant daily nosebleeds were a sign. Unfortunately my old doctor doesn't take my new insurance so I gotta figure that out.

Fresh new hell - I got hassled by a Karen for picking up garbage yesterday. This is what I do to feel better - I throw crabs back into the ocean. Walk around with a bag and a garbage grabber and police my neighborhood of trash. One grocery bag per mile every other day, in case you were wondering, and I've gotten to the point where I pull t-shirts out of puddles and leave them on trees to dry for a couple days before I collect them later. Walk around, listen to audiobooks about why the world is fucked and pick up garbage. Yesterday? Yesterday some bitch in a hair salon insisted I put the cane back in her customer's subaru. Said cane was, of course, a garbage grabber. When I pointed out that I was picking up trash in her parking lot she did this dipshit little curtsey and said "thanks!" but didn't say a fucking thing about accusing me of breaking and entering to steal a cane or some shit. My immediate internal reaction was "I drive a Porsche, bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you" but what the fuck is wrong with her is there are small-minded, shrewish humans in the world and our society protects them more if they're white.

I found myself staring at the guts of a seiko last Monday with absolutely no ability to put stuff back together again. Drama has absolutely sapped my ability to engage in my hobbies. Which I'm trying to turn into a living.

I have learned that I can absolutely keep myself a whopping ten pounds below my current weight if I never ever eat or drink carbs of any kind ever again.

My wife wants to take the kid on vacation next week. She found a cabin in a town I hung out with when I was with the ex. It was where one of her friends had a vacation house, also where the friend's brother had died in a drunk driving accident, also where I got to know the locals as the bleakest bunch of mutherfuckers I have ever met outside of New Mexico. The idea of going there makes my chest tight.

I was a good kid. I really was. My sister slept with the drug dealer while the cops released my friends to my recognizance. I'm still doing pretty well. Doesn't matter. I was apparently born to be the designated enemy.

People keep telling me to write all this shit up in a book because they don't understand that there's no beginning, there's no end and there's nobody to root for. But fuck I guess they gave Ozark four seasons.

I should stop watching Ozark.