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This is great. It's like an answering machine message from a friend who's had an experience and they need to talk to someone about it. I don't know how much NPR you listen to, but Snap Judgement's Glynn Washington, and Prairie home Companion's Garrison Keillor (as well as Q's Jian Ghomeshi [Canada Proud!]) are great people to listen to when it comes to delivering a story. I'd also suggest writing down just a basic narrative structure down. Nothing restricitng, just something to help you organize your thoughts and eliminate the ums and Ahs. A lot of what you're doing here reminds me (in a good way) of Ze Frank's A Show.