I carry a lot of anger and resentment in my heart. Often, and often in very frustrating ways, the man that I am and the man that I strive to be do not line up. I am not saying these things to make excuses, I am saying these things because they’re a reality that needs to be acknowledged.
Sixteen days ago, give or take an afternoon, I was a harsh and angry man and I was careless with my words. I was extremely mean to kleinbl00 and lashed out at him. To make matters worse, before I even typed a word I knew that my desire to lash out at him was wrong. As I was typing out my reply, I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I knew, and I did it anyway. I lashed out, I walked away, and I sat out back and started reading The Quran to cool off and in my readings I came across this passage . . .
“And even if thou has to turn away from them in pursuit of the mercy from thy Lord which thou dost expect, yet speak to them a word of easy kindness.” Surah 17:28
This seems a bit vague, but to the best of my understanding the literal interpretation is that if someone comes to you seeking charity, but you must turn them away because you yourself are currently in an impoverished state and are waiting for your own poverty to be addressed, turn them away with kindness. Like so many things, there’s an extra layer of meaning, where charity doesn’t necessarily have to mean something financial, but immaterial things such as friendship or even just the time of day. Reading this? Well, there’s knowing you did wrong, and then there’s knowing you did wrong and being brought face to face with it as clear as day.
My shame was overwhelming.
God’s really good at making sure we can’t hide from ourselves, huh?
At the time I was lacking in patience and at the time I was lacking in compassion. Like I said, at the time, I knew that I was angry and I knew that what I was doing was wrong, and I said what I said anyway.
So I want and need to apologize.
I want and need to apologize to kleinbl00, for my words that were not just unkind, not just harsh, but cruel. What I said was unacceptable.
I want and need to apologize to @klienbl00@, again, for publicly expressing private grievances. Harsh feelings between people should never be expressed in public, for a multitude of reasons. What I did was unacceptable.
I want and need to apologize to rrrrr for blowing up in their thread. I’m almost positive they didn’t post on Hubski in hopes of having their thread turned into a flaming mess and by doing just that I was being disrespectful. What I did was unacceptable.
I want and need to apologize to mk for blowing up on his site. For a man who has created a corner for himself on the internet in hopes of hosting thoughtful conversations, I’ve been far from thoughtful. In fact, I’ve been far from courteous. I’m ashamed to add, this wasn’t the first time. What I did was unacceptable.
I want to and need to apologize to Hubski as a whole. The behavior I displayed is not the behavior you deserve to witness and shows a lack of respect to Hubski, both the individual users and the community as a whole. Once again, what I did was unacceptable.
Lastly, I want and need to apologize for taking sixteen whole days to apologize. I would like to hope that if I was both stronger and more humble, my apology would have come a lot quicker. I’ll add it to the list of things I need to work on.
Like I said, the kind of man I am and the kind of man I strive to be, don’t always align. Clearly. I’m trying though, and I know it’ll be a long, never ending process. I also know that in the process of working on things, I need to find the strength to own my mistakes, more importantly though, I need to find the strength to keep from making mistakes that I know are mistakes while I’m making them.
Please know that my apologies are sincere and heartfelt. Please also know that I’m as frustrated by having to make frequent apologies as you all probably are to hear of them. I’m working on things. I swear.
That said, you won't have to read an apology like this again. mk has a good thing going, Hubski is a wonderful place. However, it's not a good fit for me and I think, it's quite clear, I'm not a good fit for it. So I think it's time for me to exercise some self restraint and step away for good.
Please know though, that I truly and deeply believe that every last one of you is so very beautiful and I know you all have so much you can give to the world. I see it. I really do. I hope you do too. Be good people, Hubski.